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Step-parenting

Possible abuse - Sticky subject - opinions please

71 replies

LoodleDoodle · 24/03/2011 14:33

Without too much detail, I am looking for some advice/opinions before charging in with my size 9's.

One of my SD's has just told me that she has been away a couple of times with her mothers boyfriend, alone without her sister or mum, and that the last weekend, they spent the weekend sleeping in the same bed. She is 7.

He is quite overbearing, with us he tries to take a lot of control in parental discussions, and to be honest, the mother is very difficult indeed, and has always devolved a lot of the responsibility for the kids onto current boyfriends, although never us, however much we offer.

Other issues here are that the child in question has a persistent (4 months now) water infection, a few behavioural issues, nervous twitches etc. She used quite adult language for example she has been given ?options? as to how to spend her time, and she ?chose the best option?. When I tried to joke that surely she would prefer a bed to herself and not share with a big hairy man, she immediately explained that he is not hairy at all, he has a smooth body, and that she thinks he shaves his body.

After I had been told this (corroborated by her sister, who wasn?t there but obviously they have all discussed the bed sharing) she started to go quiet and a bit panicky, although this is common as they are constantly drilled at home to tell us nothing of their home life.

We have had some court issues and have a joint residence order in place, which they have recently been trying to change the terms of unofficially. We have contacted our solicitor who was very concerned indeed. I just wondered, in amongst all the step parents here, what the general thought was? To me, it seems really sinister, but any accusation is going to cause one whole heap of trouble, for us and for the kids, and while their safety is paramount, I just wondered whether my reaction to the bed sharing was oversensitive??

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belledechocchipcookie · 24/03/2011 14:36

I don't think you're being oversensitive. The NSPCC run a helpline, I think that you need to give them a call and seek advice from them. Sad

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belledechocchipcookie · 24/03/2011 14:37
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LoodleDoodle · 24/03/2011 14:41

I've had a look at that today - trouble is I am at work and can'r ring now. And I am also concerned about anonymity - I don't want to make unfounded accusations until I feel more that I am not being ridiculous in finding it odd.

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WinterLover · 24/03/2011 14:42

I agree with Belle ring NSPCC they will be able to give you better advice.

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WinterLover · 24/03/2011 14:44

Cross posted sorry.

Have you spoken to your DH?

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LoodleDoodle · 24/03/2011 14:48

Yes he knows all. He is concerned, but loathes the boyfriend anyway, because he is very overbearing. I am not sure he as concerned as me, but the whole topic of the kids and their mother is such a difficult one anyway, he does feel this is inappropriate, but I am not sure he sees the dark stuff quite as readily as I might.

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belledechocchipcookie · 24/03/2011 14:49

Ok, I'll be blunt. I'm trained in child protection. Behaviour problems, bed wetting, sharing a bed, recurrent UTI's would tell me that social services need contacting. Of course, it could all be innocent, I wouldn't risk it though. I would contact social service as I'd be very concerned for this child's welfare.

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TheProvincialLady · 24/03/2011 14:51

Ring social services today. There are so many alarm bells ringing that it is all the NSPCC are going to say to you. Do it now - don't make her suffer sleeping in his bed even one more time.

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LoodleDoodle · 24/03/2011 14:55

Oh God you have made me cry now. I hope to god I am wrong. I think I knew we needed to, but with everything else, I suppose I was concerned I might be over reacting.

I will talk to DP after work first, as it would be wrong of me to go in without speaking to him first I think. This set off such a horrible feeling in my stomach, and now I am dreading everything. Urk. Thank you.

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prettyfly1 · 24/03/2011 14:59

Please dont dread loodle - this little girl is lucky someone cares enough to notice. It will almost certainly cause a storm for you and your partner and could take a long time to be resolved but that is wayyyyy better then the risk that a little girl is being abused. SO many alarm bells rang in your op. Please let us know how you get on.

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SouthGoingZax · 24/03/2011 15:03

I agree with the other posters.

You are not being oversensitive.

Huge red flags here.

You must report this immediately.

Do not overestimate the power of an abuser to be manipulative, make up stories etc. This little girl needs someone to protect her and speak up about this.

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LoodleDoodle · 24/03/2011 15:10

I know. My cousin was badly abused by her stepfather for many years (she is the same age as me) and her mother stood quietly by, so I have seen the signs before. And it took years before my cousin was free. I will act, today if possible. I feel very scared for her and just hope that actually I am a paranoid maniac.

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ConfessionsOfaFlask · 24/03/2011 15:28

I would act now OP. Don't wait.

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LoodleDoodle · 24/03/2011 15:40

Just rung DP. He is at a bit of a loss really - feels like I do. We are going to ring the NSPCC together later this evening. That way, if need be, they can contact Child Protection on our behalf, then the concern could have come from anywhere. She will know it's us, but hopefully it won't have too many ramifications for the kids. I don't want them to feel they can no longer trust me, and I feel we should do this together.

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tethersend · 24/03/2011 15:47

Don't forget that it's not your job to ascertain whether or not abuse is taking place- let the trained professionals do that. As others have said, there are enough signs to suggest that trained professionals now need to be involved, so well done for caring enough about your SD to inform them.

The worst outcome here would be if you did not act, but found out years later that the abuse had been taking place.

Calling SS will not be pleasant, but the situation is not pleasant TBH, and the situation is not of your making, so please don't feel guilty.

Good luck.

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lateatwork · 24/03/2011 16:10

when i was 9, my parents lived in different countries for 3 months. my father and i stayed with my grandma and we shared a bed. nothing happened at all and i wasnt abused- so it can be completely innocent- but to many today, even this would 'sound weird'.

BUT i did not have recurrent UTIs, wasnt nervous or afraid of my father and didnt have nervous twitches.

Its up to professionals to decide whether something is or isnt taking place. I dont think you can sit on the fence and not make the call. I dont think you should accuse the BF of anything either- let others do this or it may complicate the situation even more.

i really really hope nothing has been going on for her sake and that it was totally innocent. but be proud of yourself for spotting it and stopping it if it has.

good luck.

ps i would rather be called a paranoid maniac than find out years later my intuition was correct. and i bet your SD would feel the same.

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LoodleDoodle · 24/03/2011 16:23

Mmm and so would I. I really hope I am a paranoid maniac.We know it is up to the professionals, I think just because contact and soooo very much else has been problematic for so long that we are always afraid of opening a can of worms. Not scared of her exactly, just that it has been one major drama after another for the last 5 years, and with another court case possibly looming anyway, it seems horribly convenient, for us, if you see what I mean.

But I keep coming back to the fact that we just can't risk her safety, which is why NSPCC seems the best option. Will try and keep you posted. This has crystalised things in my mind, so thank you for all the responses. MN really is useful!

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tethersend · 24/03/2011 16:44

All the best, loodle.

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TheProvincialLady · 24/03/2011 17:01

You're doing the right thingSmile I hope it is a case of inappropriate bedsharing rather than anything worse, but you have so much cause for concern that anything other than SS (whether via you or NSPCC) would be letting her down. Hope it all turns out for the best, one way or the other.

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dadsgirlfriend · 24/03/2011 17:09

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinterLover · 25/03/2011 07:33

How did it go??

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LoodleDoodle · 25/03/2011 10:29

Hmm, difficult.

We are also in talks with a solicitor and we rang her first. She feels in light of the current court issues that we should put it all in a letter already due to go today, making quite clear our expectations on future behaviour, with a mild threat to involve SS. They are absolutely excellent, and despite being solicitors have long been very helpful over welfare issues. I did also speak confidentially to NSPCC briefly, who seem to think that this is a reasonable course of action. They also said that if there is a Drs visit planned re UTI?s, which there is next week, that the Doc will likely begin any process if she has the slightest concern. I do feel better about things as I was nervous about involving SS at this stage. Were also told of course that if things get out of hand, there is every possibility that we could lose all contact until a 2nd court hearing, which by our last experience can take an awful long time, and it seems prudent to avoid that while we need to keep a close eye. I dunno. I am willing to accept what they all say, if I can, but it all still makes me uncomfortable. TBF, I don?t actually think things have escalated to an abusive level, and I am keen to make sure all this is as easy on them as possible (kids I mean) but still. Hmm

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djinnie · 25/03/2011 10:39

From my perspective (as a Stepparent) I think your DH needs to grow a pair of his own.

How is it ok for this guy to sleep in the same bed as your daughter and why is she going away with him alone? Why isn't her real father saying 'I don't think so!' and making it plain that it is inappropriate!

I can see why you have opted to go with the solicitor's advice but it seems a bit of a copout to me.

I hope your SD is ok.

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LoodleDoodle · 25/03/2011 10:47

Well, we obviously are praying she is okay too.

It is a very difficult situ, and the day we found out we looked for advice. I appreciate it is often the DP not 'manning up' but seriously, this is part of a long drawn out issue with all sorts of ramifications. I am all for the children, we both are, but firstly we deal with all these things as a family - I have my own daughter, and have been ivolved in the SD's lives since they were tiny. It was me she talked to, and me who will be breaking her trust, not DP.

It is also pointless to be paying thousands of punds for advice and then not using it, and we have taken the point about not risking a total stop on contact very seriously. The letter very clearly says exactly what you say, and we have learnt from bitter experience that everything needs to be done as properly as possible, for our sake and theirs.

Sorry, not trying to be defensive, but any thought that my poor DP who has been put through utter hell by this woman being less of a man makes my blood boil.

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TheProvincialLady · 25/03/2011 13:48

With respect, I think that was a bad decision. You don't know that the GP will pick up on abuse if your SD presents with a UTI. Her mother is unlikely to give all the information you have, eg the bedsharing.

To put it bluntly, a mild threat to involve SS is going to do nothing to prevent your SD being sexually abused. All it will do is warn him that there is suspicion, so he is likely to put more pressure on her/threats to keep silent, and to make his behaviour more secretive. If indeed she is being abused of course. Demanding that he does not bedshare is not going to stop a sexual abuser. He may stop bedsharing but it is perfectly possible to abuse elsewhere.

I really think that your solicitor was well out of line to offer this advice. Where is the child protection here? The only people who can conduct this kind of investigation are SS or the police. Given the amount of information you have, I think either of those options are reasonable. I appreciate that it will have long term ramifications, especially WRT access....but this is so, so serious that I don't think you have a choice.

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