adult sd is a nightmare.....need to vent.

[feduptrying]

Have namechanged for this , sorry but i really need to get this out before i scream and pack my bags .

I love dh dearly , but i cant take any more shit from his adult daughter anymore.

I met him when she was 11 . He was divorced from his ex.(her mum).

He moved in when his dd was 12.

From the first time she met me she was all sweetness and light when her dh was present , but if he left the room id get nasty comments ect. I thought it was because she was upset about her parents divorce and just let it go , time after time after time.

She would drop litter in my house ,empty bottles and crisp packets .No biggie , but irritating all the same. When pulled up on it , she just shrugged and said it wasnt me.

She wrote little notes and left them about for me to find... saying fed up loves mr ex .(mr ex was my boyfriend before dh , who her mother happened to know about).

She would ask for money a lot , for expensive clothes and never wear them.
She would nag for expensive (the latest out) mobile phones ,we would buy them and shed swap them two weeks later for an old battered one .

Ditto for gold bangles and earings.
She would ask dh for favours for her mother.
She never ever said thank you for anything i bought her.

I took her to hairdresser once as a treat, it cost £80 ,the next week she chopped at her hair with sissors so it was a mess and we had to tell her there was no more money to fix it.

Her 16th party which we paid for was held in her mothers house so i couldnt attend.

On overhearing i was pg ,she told her mother i was shouting at them (sd and ss).This of course was lies , but in defending me dh told his ex i was pg , who promptly phoned dh's mum to tell her the good news.

On my childs first birthday , dh's mum had organised a birthday tea for all her grandchildren with a birthday cake ect. DD phoned up and told her granny she wasnt comming because i didnt like them (the step kids) anymore (wtf? ). Dh was on his way to pick her up from her mothers house at this time. She ruined the first birthday.


She arranged to get pg ,so she was 6 months gone by DH and mines wedding .
So the bridesmaid dress for her had to be redone at the last minute ...dh and i couldnt have the honeymoon we wanted because we had used some of the money for that.
We had to wait until we saved after before getting a weekend away.

She asked for bottles for her baby ...expensive ones.I got them for her. Never seen her use them.

She asked for a buggy ..i bought her the one she picked out....then she told dh she "wanted the red one".

She needed tiny baby clothes for her baby ...i got her them too ...she never said thank you and told people that her dad got them...(i paid for them not dh, not that it matters)


The sd has organised a wedding for a few weeks , shes having it 3 hours away from where we live , to make it difficult for dh to go. I and dc are not invited.
She told dh after he gave her the money for her wedding dress.
DH couldnt believe what he was hearing and spoke to his ex and asked her if she had a problem with me ?. She doesnt know whats up with sd .

2 weeks ago , as i was waiting in car for dc to come out of school, sd came up to the car said hello and walked away. She has baby in pram so i assumed she was going somewhere. She turned around and was on her mobile. I waved to her later when i passed her at a bus stop ...had dc in car by then so couldnt offer her a lift as no car seats empty for baby. She phoned dh and told him i wouldnt speak to her. (wtf?).

SD then told DH i could go to wedding reception , but not the wedding itself. OK .
Then later that day she phones dh and tells him shes changed her mind ive not to go .


DH hit the roof and said she was being unfair and insulting to him by not inviting me , his WIFE.

Her reply is , "Im your daughter , your choosing her over your daughter
? ."

Shes sent him a txt tonight saying " i need to know if your walking me down the isle ".

So is it just me ? or is she a bitch?.

[WinterLover]

I really feel for you. As step parents we are always told we should make the step children feel like part of the family etc but surely that should work both ways. Its wrong that she plays you off against each other and is that cruel to her dad.. 'it's her or me' situation :(

I really don't know what to advise you but I didn't want you to feel alone. I hope someone come along with some advice for you.

[HarlotOTara]

I think she needs help - she seems incredibly hurt and jealous (not excusing her) and her reaction is way over the top. It must be incredibly hard for you but I think she is acting like a little girl who has lost her daddy and can't cope, which is probably intensely painful for her hence the jealous and spiteful behaviour. I really do think she needs counselling to come to terms with it all but I guess she won't at the moment. I think all you can do is keep reiterating the boundaries - ie. you are dh's wife and you come as a pair. She will hate that but what else can you do? Apart from not buying her lots of stuff.

You are not a bitch by the way but I feel sad for her as she is evidentally very very unhappy (not your fault).

[WkdSM]

My BIL had this issue.
He divorced his wife of 25 yeras as was having affair with his secretary. Please do not judge. His kids were 21 and 18 at the time. They were initially furious (understandable) but have since accepted the situation. He has since married secretary and they have been together nearly 10 years. She has been wonderful for him. She has 3 kids who are now in early 20's late teens.

About 3 years ago, his DD was getting married. He and 2nd wife offered to pay a large amount for the wedding, but DD told him 2nd wife and her kids could not attend as she did not want to be worried about anything kicking off on the day (her mum's family are quite heavy drinkers and get very lary when drunk).

2nd wife was very upset - as were her kids as they sort of expected to be bridesmaids - but she took it on the chin, encouraged him to go and give DD away. She showed a true generosity of spirit and love for him - I truly admire her for that. And since then his DD has thanked her for her understanding and they have become much closer.

It is just one day - support him in going and do not make it difficult for him - just make sure DD knows that you are being adult and understanding.

[feduptrying]

Thank you for the supportive posts.
I feel better , with the advice you have all given me.
Im not the only person who has been at the brunt of an adult stepchilds anger/frustration.

I thought she had a hard time when her parents split , mabey shes worse/hurt more by their divorce than i realised.
In the past , we sat her down and tried to gently talk to her about her behaviour .
I still dont understand why i am the focus of her nastiness. Dh and i did not meet until after he and his ex had split.
Its almost like SD is trying to punish me for being happy with DH , and him with me. Or hopes to drive me away ? . Mabey she has a fantasy that dh will reunite with her mother if im out of the picture?.
Its pointless , as even if dh and i spilt he would never go back to his ex.

He doesnt want to go to wedding now. Ive talked him into going , because i missed my dad at our wedding , (hes not with us anymore) and it made the happiest day , also the saddest. I wouldnt want that for either of them.
If he doesnt go , it will cause an unmendable rift between them and i will get the blame in SD eyes.

DH has sadly realised that his daughter has repeatedly tried to cause a fight between dh and i , her mum and i and dh and his ex.
That she is playing us all off against each other.hes both disgusted and heartbroken at the same time.
I cant make it better for him , and if i tried to talk to her i think it would only make things worse.

I feel cant even talk to my own husband about how upset i am , and how i would fix all this mess if i could.

SD has now blamed her mum ,, saying ex isnt comfortable with ME and our children at the wedding. Funny , as dh asked ex about it , she was fine with it.SD wasnt in the room , and is probably unaware the conversation ever took place.

I think shes trying to set us all at loggerheads.
God knows why ?.

[feduptrying]

Magic i dont think SD planned her pg to spite me , just more that she was hoping to have an excuse to not be bridesmaid.

I know i sound mean saying that , but you didnt see her face when we took her to get her dress altered . She looked angry.
The dress was a tiny bit too big for her when we bought it , it would have needed taken in a little bit.
Instead it had to have bones taken out and panel put into it and reshaped so it fit around her baby-bump. Lucky the dress was a dark colour , so it hid her bump really well . It fitted her perfectly and she did look very beautiful on our wedding day.

The fact the dress cost loads more to alter than we had budgeted for pissed me off as we then didnt have enough money to go on honeymoon straight away. At that point dh and i had never been away together so it was a big deal to both of us.

[feduptrying]

So its back to ignoring everything she does , in the hope that she will eventually grow up and stop doing this ?.

With my own children , if they do wrong , we stop them , and have a chat about what would be a wrong thing to do (hitting , destroying , telling lies ect) and what nice behaviour is.
I think SD didnt have the right guidance so has never really learned to respect others feelings. I didnt get involved with giving her rows or telling her to behave , because it was made quite clear that i was not her parent and did not have the right to (by her mum).

Dh im afraid is a bit of a disney dad ...he does let his kids away with murder because he doesnt want to be the "bad guy".
I guess hes got guilt issues from splitting with their mum.

Perhaps if i had stood my ground and parented SD the way i wanted too , we wouldnt be in this mess now.