AIBU, about DH's time allocation...

[emskaboo]

If I had the guts I'd post this in AIBU, but I haven't!

I am currently on maternity leave with DC2, DH runs his own business and is busy busy at the moment, he has been doing crazy hours, and kept saying that when the last project was over he would be around more. This hasn't really happened, he got in last night at 8.15 pm.

(He's been leaving the house around 9am and getting home at between 9 and 10pm, occasionally over but always after the bath bed routine

He does however always make sure that he gets home on Wednesdays and Fridays for DBD's visits (he picks her up one day I pick up another as it is a 1.5 hour round trip to get her and I offered to pick her up one day so he could work longer).

We had DBD and her half brother here on Friday and Saturday this weekend, they left at 11 on Sunday (DH left for ikea at 9.30). Dh got home at about 5pm, really grateful he went but a bit crap that we didn't see him all day.

Yesterday he left at 9ish and got home at 8.15, this morning he turns round at 7.30 and says right I'm off, and I got really cross. I told him we were all running to his schedule and it wasn't fair, that I was surprised that given he wasn't going to be home until after the DC's were in bed (he has parent evening for DBD at 6.30 tonight and is going straight there from work so he can take her out for supper) he might want to have breakfast with us and actually see DS (who is 3).

He stayed, you could have cut the atmosphere with a knife and I'm now thinking I'm being and ungrateful cow! I do really do value all the hard work he does (and tell him so a lot) but a totally gendered divide was not what I signed up for! Come on give me a kicking, I can take it!

[catsmother]

You know what, these days, with money tight and all that (as I'm sure you know), lots of us are having to put up with crap working hours meaning that one parent is burdened with kiddicare, and/or the children don't see as much of that parent as would be ideal.

However ..... from what you've written, it sounds like he's not incapable of taking some time away from the grind, just that it seems to be unfairly allocated for just one child. I don't understand, for example, why on Sunday he didn't get back until 5pm if it's a round 1.5 trip to take SD home ? Surely that means he could have been back at 12.30 to 1-ish ? If those "lost" hours were spent solely with SD, or on him pleasing himself while you looked after the DCs, then yes, he's being very unfair - both on you and on your children. It's not uncommon for some NRPs to over compensate the children they "don't see" but in your case, it sounds as if the children he doesn't see are the ones who live in the same house as him ! If he can spend an hour or two taking SD for supper, then he can take an hour or two on another evening to play with DS, and/or put him to bed.

[emskaboo]

To be fair, and sorry I wasn't clear, he was in ikea on Sunday, not fun! I know he needs to work hard, and I'm lucky he does and that I am able to take extended leave. I think I'm just feeling like I'm doing all the household stuff with little recognition, add into that him prioritising (or so it feels) DBD over our DC, and I just got grumpy! I've sent him a message to say sorry for being mardy; just hope he replies or that will drive me mental!

[Petal02]

What an excellent comment ? that the non-resident-parent often overcompensates to such an extent with the children they don?t live with, resulting in a situation whereby the children they DO live with, hardly see them. Which is exactly the same principal as when the man pays so much maintenance to his ?first family? that the ?new family? are almost on the breadline. I always used to think that the first family got short shrift in ?blended? situations, but more often than not, it?s the other way round.

Emskaboo ? could you point this out to him, or would his Bio-Blinkers get in the way?

I?m never sure of the fairest way to decide upon access when the man works such long hours. My husband works long hours, and his favourite ?trick? is to collect his son from his mother?s, bring him back to our house, and leave him with me while he goes back to work ?.. because in his eyes, he?s ?having contact? simply because he?s removed stepson from his mother?s house and placed him under our roof. The fact that he?s not actually spending time together doesn?t come into it.

So Emskaboo?s husband probably thinks that as the bio-children are ?under his roof? all the time, that this qualifies as him having contact with them, even when in reality their paths don?t actually cross very much. So in his head, he probably thinks he has 24/7 contact with the resident children, therefore any ?spare? time can go on the non resident children. I know that?s skewed l

[Petal02]

Sorry - my last sentence got cut in half. It should read " I know that's skewed logic, but that's how some men seem to think."

[Smum99]

I understand why you have an issue. My Dh was similar for a while, whatever happened at home or work he would always allocate the time to see DBS. What drove him was the inflexibility from his ex and the need to have stability of contact but he just didn't think of the impact on us a home.
I think he should recognise your efforts - like you recognise his, that's important in any relationship. He should be thankful that you manage your DCs so that he can work, have laundry, food etc and see his children so maybe do ask him directly for some acknowledgement.

However problems like this seem to happen when life has got become so busy and everyone is reacting to the 'who shouts loudest' rule. Maybe you could ask him to sit with you at the start of the week to look at diaries and plan some family time. I bet he is missing the time with you as well but just feels like he can't fit it all in. I guess he's unhappy this morning as he felt that by going to Ikea he was actually doing family stuff.

No easy solution however as fitting in everything, family life, work and step families isn't easy and lots of us struggle with it so you're not alone.

[Petal02]

I do think that when time is limited, it should be shared out fairly. But it seems that the previously planned contact arrangements with the stepchild are honoured come hell or high water, leaving only crumbs for the resident child. I?m not suggesting Emskaboo?s husband stops seeing his daughter (heaven forbid) but if life changes, due to work, new baby etc etc, it would make sense if the access arrangements could be reviewed too. (Although I suspect there?s more chance of peace in the Middle East than a non-resident-father doing this ??..)

[emskaboo]

Petal, you are so right about the middle east statement; and I don't want him to see DBD less; I just don't want to feel we are getting the crumbs from the table either.

Smum; absolutely he saw Ikea as 'family' time, I did try to suggest we got the big stuff delivered and got the bits from somewhere closer to home but that didn't work; logically for him it was simpler to go and get everything in one go and have it all there and then. Classic male vs female ways of looking at the same thing!

Thank you all so much for not giving me a slap!

[theredhen]

Well, when time restraints are put on a family, shouldn't everyone be part of that? I get this too. DP and I spend much, much less time together now we live together than when we lived apart. However, DSC now get even more time with Dad, because I am there to help with the mundane-nes of it all.

DS gets much less time with me too.

So who are the winners in our family? Not me, and not DS.

You're not being unreasonable. You and your DC have the right to have time with DH as much as DBD. Being an equal does not mean you are being selfish. Don't forget that!

[thinkingkindly]

I understand your issue with it, too. DH and I have had many discussions about 'fair' allocation of time and resources.

It's really difficult to see your biological kids losing out - brings up your most primal instincts. I think you just keep talking, arguing, discussing.

And you also need to remember that when more children come into the family, everyone has to take a smaller slice of the attention/time/money, including the DSCs. DH can't ringfence the DSC needs above everyone else's.