Is Father in law being reasonable?

[emjanedel]

Most people on here know what is going on between DP, me and SD.

Things seem to be going well between DP and SD - meaning SD has turned up for all three meetings - which i am pleased for DP's sake.

However, its our DD's first birthday in a little over two weeks. I have organised a little tea party for both immediate famillies. We hand delieverd invitations to our guests yesterday.

We went to see DP's dad and his wife and gave them theirs. FIL asked who had been invited so we sed aunties, uncles, cousins etc. He asked if SD would be attending. DP explained that court order says that she cannot come into contact with me and DD. FIL asked why this was so it was explained that SD finds it too distressing to see us. Both FIL and his wife appeared to understand and thanked us for the invite.

Tonight Father in Law called round and explanied that he was here to tell us that he and wife couldn't attend birthday party. He explanied that he and his wife find it unfair that she is not invited and we are excluding her. He has said that they would attend if SD was invited.

I am just astounded - i am angry and confused. All i said to Father in law was there is nothing i can do and i wish things were diffeerrent and that i respect their desion.

[theredhen]

Oh dear, that just makes things worse doesn't it?

In your position, I would just get on with it and try not to let it upset you.

Sometimes I just don't understand people who seem to think the world revolves around step children only and all the rest have to get on with it, including any other children.

What does your DP say?

[Pancakeflipper]

He's ignoring the court order part ( on purpose or did he not understand the severity of what a court order is?)

I would get DP to speak calmly to him saying about the court order just to ensure the grasp the importance of it. Sometimes the vital bit gets lost in the emotions.

But I wouldn't go begging for them to attend the gathering.
If they stand by their decision then you have to focus on your child and the others attending and just enjoy it.

Sounds all very horrible and messy. Just focus on having fun at the party and don't let that event get taken over with the upset of the problems of the situation you are all in. One day of fun must be needed?

[emjanedel]

DP says that it is their choice. I can understand if i was doing it malciously - i would like my dd's half sister to be there to share her day.
To be honest when we gave them the invitation - their response was is that when her birthday was we didn't know!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

FAMILLIES.

[catsmother]

Really hope they are being thick here, and not contentious. Maybe it would be worth DP explaining once again, so there can be no doubt at all, that you are bound by the terms of a court order which prevents you from inviting SD. Make it clear to them that the issue is totally out of your hands.

If they still want to "make a stand" after having it spelled out in black and white then ignore them because they are being ridiculous. It's highly unlikely she'd want to attend anyway even if you were prepared to break the court order by asking.

[lateatwork]

You tried.

I know its difficult but i would do as others suggested, get DP to try one more time to explain and then leave it.

Hope DD has a wonderful day. Good news its going well with SD and DP.

[allnewtaketwo]

Goodness this is all you need . How awful that not only are you in this position, but now they seem to be making some silly 'stand' and making things worse. It does irk me when grandparents try to intervene in the already very complex dynamics of a step-family, particularly as in this case you have not choice whatsoever over any of it.

They are being very, very unreasonable in my book. What a way to start a whole family rift. So not only is SD and her mother calling the shots over how you and your DH/DD spend time, but they're also now impacting who is attending DD's 1st birthday effectively

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

What a load of rubbish and what a disservice they are doing themselves.

You didn't choose this situation so why would you be 'excluding' SD ? Nonsense.

Ignore them- have a nice time with your guests.

Have a fab birthday with baby DD.

[thinkingkindly]

How horrible. But it does sound like your DH isn't talking to his parents about the reality of what is going on. He should really go to see them on his own, explain what the court order is, and remind them that DD is also their grandchild. Then leave them to make whatever decision they are comfortable with.

[ajandjjmum]

I would get your DH to very nicely emphasise that you don't mess with a court order, and that unfortunately there was no way you could invite his DD.

But very lightly say that you accept their decision, and fortunately your DD will be surrounded by other people who also love her on her important day.

Don't ask them to reconsider or anything - let them think about it.

Hope DD has a good party.

[emjanedel]

Magicjamas - court order says in big bold black type that SD cannot come into contact with either me or DD - so while she is very welcome to come to the party but DD and I wouldn't be able to be there.

To all DP and i have wrote to FIL explaning that we would love to invite SD but (a) she says she does not want to see DD and myself. (b) the court order says that contact between SD and DP is happening conditionally that DD and I are not there, explaining that if DP was to ignore this then the consequences would be severe. We have said that if they would still like to come they are very welcome , if they feel they cannot it is their choice. DP even put that he hopes next year things maybe different.

If i am honest i think it may be FIL's wife trying to cause upset - she is famous for it. I think DP and his bro and sis could have a step-mother thread all of their own!!