Financial Issues

[wrinklyraisin]

My OH's ex wife quit work after they married, and shortly after that began "needing" weekends away, and asking for more and more cash. Then they had their daughter, and the ex demanded more "time off" as being a full time mother was "beond stressful" ... so my OH worked 50 hours a week, then came home and did all the house and baby stuff, then paid for his ex to have weekends away so she could have some "me time". Sorry for all the quotes, I am just trying to get accross the situation in her own words IYSWIM.

The issue now is they went bankrupt as she had been secretly going to gambling resorts on her weekends away, and also had become addicted to online gambling. They nearly lost their house. My OH now works 60-70 hours a week to pay his mortgage, her new mortgage, and child support, plus his ex refuses to go back to work and says it's HIS responsibility to continue funding her lifestyle even though that lifestyle is exactly why he is divorcing her!!! Her gambling addiction means her daughter goes without a lot of things, gets stuck in front of the tv for hours a day when not at school, and now is seeing a psychologist for attachment issues :(

My OH is a wonderful father. When he isn't at work he has her stay with him, does all kinds of activities etc with her. He wants full custody as she really isn't well looked after with her mother. He can't do that though as he has to work 6 days a week a lot of the time to pay for his ex's lifestyle.I'm totally supportive of the idea of his daughter living with us when I (finally) move in. I think the poor child just craves attention and her mother ignores her all the time. I want to get on with the ex wife as I grew up with a nasty stepmother. But I can see how stressed my OH is trying to keep everything afloat.

How responsible is he legally for financially supporting his exwife? Given she blows everything she gets on internet gambling sites? She has a real problem and my OH desn't want to see the mother of his child go under. I just wish she would get a job and be responsible for herself now? AIBU?

[WkdSM]

As far as I am aware, even if she goes for maintenance for herself, as well as child maintenance, it would be for a limited time.

It really is up to your OH to draw a line in the sand - if he keeps fundinng her addiction, it will just continue. Maybe she needs to get into real problems and have to dig herself out just to get her to admit the addiction and seek help.

You should not really be involved in the decision as to how far he wants to support her. I know that sounds harsh but if you get too involved it could start all sorts of arguments between the two of you re payments to ex, how money is spent etc.

I would not move in with him or start any contribution to any expenses until the finances have been resolved.

If he wants to go for full custody, that opens up a whole nother can of kick ass. Be prepared for months or perhaps years of unheaval and sols bills.

Sorry to sound negative, but you need to be aware of what you are potentially going to have to deal with. I've had to deal with a money orientated ex wife for 14 years and it has been a nightmare at times.

[wrinklyraisin]

Thanks for replying WkdSM :)

I;m not moving in for at least a year as we live in different countries currently and it takes a while to sort the paperwork. Which actually is great as it gives him plenty of time to get the divorce finalized/finances settled/custody arrangements made.

He asked his ex if he could have full custody a few months back and her response was "not bloody likely, she's my meal ticket!" :( I just find her attitude towards and treatment of her own child terribly sad and quite infuriating. And my OH is generous to a fault. But he has started saying "No" more often, when she asks for more money. He is happy to pay child support, it's just awful watching his ex blow it all online and then say to him he needs to give her more money to pay the mortgage!!!!!!!!! It was a private arrangement, the finances, and now it's all getting ready to go through the courts instead so hopefully he'll be more protected iyswim.

I know what I'm getting myself into. You can't choose who you fall in love with sadly.

[Drizzela]

Wow - I can't beleive a mother would say that out loud! (about the meal ticket) although I know that my DSds mother sees her as just that... and a trophy of course.

He only has to pay 15% of his net salary which is pro rated for any days he has his DD over night. i.e. if he has her on a saturday and sunday he pays what ever 5/7's of 15% of his net salary is.

he can elect to pay weekly or monthly. Spousal maintenance is very rare.

If she can't suppor the DD on that money then he will have to go for custody.

[Drizzela]

He shouldn't be paying the mortgage, the house should be sold!

[wrinklyraisin]

He lives in the USA so the rules are different. But he voluntarily pays 30% of his salary as child and spousal maintenance (altho in reality pays out more like 50%). I think the courts will drastically reduce this. Or at least I hope they will. I also hope he gets full custody as his daughter gets nothing positive out of living with her mother. And I should add she ends up staying with her dad at least 3 nights a week plus 3 out of 4 weekends. This is not "official" visitation but often the little girl gets dropped off with no notice as her mum is "tired". I've spent the last 6 months watching/hearing about this. I've also neen shown emails from his ex saying she'll not take their daughter to school if she (the mother) is too tired to get out of bed! Honestly its a farce. I actually want this child to live with us. She'll get so much more love and attention and security. I just pray the court system there can see everything that's going on and make the right decision. I don't fully understand the process of divorce/alimony/child support there so I'm relying on my OH to tell me. I do see he's in agony trying to do his best for his child. And he's IMHO far too accommodating to his ex financially. He knows this but its gone on so bloody long he doesn't know how to stop.

[wrinklyraisin]

He lives in the "family" home still. She lives in their second property. Thus he's paying 2 mortgages.