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Step-parenting

Confused about issues regarding SD

2 replies

HypeAversion · 18/03/2011 14:43

Hi all, please bear with me as this is my first post and might be a little long (i'm a waffler!)

I want to know how i stop myself from getting upset/annoyed/concerned about matters regarding my sd, matters that don't even seem to phase her Dad, who is my fiancé. Do any of you have any advice on this?

My Sd is 4, i've admittedly found it difficult to bond with her, it sounds really stupid, but, she's just so different to my children (I have a dd with my exh and a ds with my f) but, i do try my best.

Sd is brought up in an environment where she appears to be the boss, 'sharing' to her means she gets what she wants straight away, she eats what she wants, when she wants and pretty much turns her nose up when i serve up what i'd call 'proper' dinners and tells us that she's going to have toast/crisps/biscuits after dinner anyway (not that we let her) admittedly f backs me up completely on this as, without being unkind, she doesn't need the extra junk. I guess it's her attitude that gets to me, it can be hard to put into perspective that alot of things can be a sign of her age. Sd also makes a point of telling my f that she loves him when our ds is in trouble, to me it seems manipulating, but, i could be reading too much into it.

The issues that really bother me are that her Mum has changed Sd's surname without any legal consent from my f, sd refers to my f as 'daddy (insert name)' and her stepdad as 'daddy', my f has always been in her life. He says the surname doesn't really matter at the end of the day as he knows she's his daughter, despite the fact he and exp had a conversation about sd's surname a good few years ago and he told her he wasn't comfortable with it being changed.

There are other issues that bother me, sd wears makeup, she's had her hair straightened since she had hair and a few months ago she came round with highlights! sd and i have had a conversation about hair straightening after she wanted me to do it for her, but, i told her she was too young and it would ruin her hair and now she makes a point of saying "i've got my hair straightened" as the first thing she says to me when she sees me.

My F isn't someone who likes confrontation, so none of these issues are ever talked about with his exp, his exp from all accounts has a bit of a 'princess complex' herself and is used to always getting her own way.

I know some of these things sound trivial compared to what alot of you have to go through and for that i apologise, i am just at a bit of a loss to know how to distance myself, i don't even know if i have any right to feel annoyed or upset about any of these things.

Thanks for your time x

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fairystepmother · 19/03/2011 10:42

Hello - these things don't sound trivial at all!

From the sounds of it your SD is being set up to be turned into a horrible little princess. Hair straightening and makeup just seems so wrong for a 4 year old :( It's not her fault - just what she's potentially being turned into.

It's so hard being a step-mum cause you can clearly see what is wrong, but ultimately it's down to your F to do something about this. He needs to decide if he wants to challenge his ex over these things or not. Sounds like he doesn't like to confront his ex - that could set up problems further down the line but ultimately that's his decision I suppose.

Stay constant in your own home - treat her the same as your own kids (even if you don't feel it on the inside). She'll come to learn that both houses have different rules. Kids are flexible like that.

The surname thing would be a big issue for me - does your OH have parental responsibility? He can challenge this if he does and if he doesn't then it would definitely be worth him getting PR sorted asap so he has more say.

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NanaNina · 19/03/2011 23:51

Dear Hype - I feel so sorry for you. What you have written could have been me writing about my sd when she was 4 years old. Not the same irritations, though there was always trouble about food. She didn't live with us, but every family holiday with our own kids were spoiled by sd. Just like your H, mine could see no wrong in her and never wanted to say anything she might not like for fear of upsetting her, as he didn't see her that often.

This thank god was over 40 years ago and I can say it now to anonymous step-mothers, I just didn't like the girl, and almost everything about her irritated me and caused numerous arguments with me and her dad. It never eased up and it was a huge relief when she stopped coming at around 14 or 15.

There isn't room to tell you what happened as she grew up, but she has 4 children by 3 different men and has been in constant financial trouble. My P has bailed her out countless times and we have supported the children as much as possible.

I really sympathise with you, because I used to feel horrible that I could dislike a pretty little girl (always tried not to show it) but that was it - I didn't like her and never will, ever. Fortunately I had a close friend in whom I could confide and say what I thought which helped me get through as my P would not have a word against her as a child, though his view is very different now.

Looking back I could have done better, but I was a young mother like you with my own kids andmoney was tight and sd just added to the general tension around at that time.

Sending you good wishes and loads of empathy!

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