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Step-parenting

Him Good Cop, Me Bad Cop...

10 replies

travispickles · 16/03/2011 08:57

Hi all! Well, I finally had my little girl 27th January, in one of the most traumatic childbirth situations imaginable. I was in hospital after C section/ infections etc for 8 days and it has taken me the best part of the 6 weeks since to feel better...
So it has taken a while for the dust to settle on the blended family situation, but we are 'back to normal' again wrt weekends etc. The thing is, I feel differently towards DSS now I have my LO - much less relaxed about his behaviour. He is 10 but acts much younger, still holding his dad's hand when we go out, wants stories read before bed (whilst at the same time having the rights of a much older child wrt bedtime/ mealtimes etc). I want him to have a bedtime, as he always looks so tired when he comes to us, as well as to be reminded to pick up after himself a bit. He also has a really irritating habit of not being hungry when we are preparing food, but then being hungry later and asking what the options for food are and pulling faces until his dad races out to the shop to get whatever it is that he wants. Last weekend we had guests and were about to go out for lunch, he was (as always) playing on computer and he looked up and said "I'm not hungry. WE'll go for lunch later" and carried on playing. His dad started the usual pandering ("you might be hungry when we get there"etc) but I said very assertively "You have a choice. You can either watch us eat, or eat. But you need to get your shoes on as wwe are going out for lunch". Which he did... But I feel like I am the one who has to do assertive/ reminders (put your shoes on/ take your cup into kitchen/ get dressed etc) while daddy does disney iykwim. Again with the bedtime - I said 9.30 to go up to bed, 10.15 lights out. So he plays laptop til 10.15 then daddy reads to him til 11. A row ensued between DP and I - what is the point in a bedtime if you then undermine me by reading to him til 11? Which I consider far too late for a 10 year oild during term time...
The problem is that he is going to secondary school this Sept and will be moving to nearby and I feel that at the mo he sees our house as a bit of a holiday but if he will be spending more time with us, and the baby is growing up - he needs to have some structure and rigour to his time here. AIBU???

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Paintinmyhair · 16/03/2011 09:05

That is a SERIOUSLY late bedtime!! I would be seriously annoyed, especially with a new baby. 9pm up, 9.30 lights out is more than adequate for a 10 year old, you two need time together too.

We also have the good cop, bad cop thing. Dp refuses to say anything in a stern tone, but instead uses a kiddy whingey whiney one, and gets upset when dd then ignores him, but listens to me. He needs to back you up, and needs to know that. You must still feel unsure of where you stand with dss, especially now you have your own child, but a bit of discipline is respected by children. Your dd will also pick up on the fact that there is one rule for her, and another for him as she grows up.

Don't worry, you are doing jolly well!

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shmoz · 16/03/2011 09:25

I was with my XP for 14 years, and his DS was staying with us at weekends/holidays from 2yo so I understand a bit of where you are coming from.

Your DSS may be a bit unsettled with the whole baby thing as he's not dad's 'baby' anymore, hence the holding dad's hand/bedtime stories. He might not be at all bothered of course, maybe he just likes these things as he misses them at home when he's not with his dad? Also your DH might actually like the fact that he still wants to hold his hand etc - lets face it, it wont be long before he turns into devil-teenager and won't want to be seen dead in public with either of you!!

I do agree that he should have some structures i.e. bedtime, 11pm is too late to be up on a school night but at the weekend probably not such a big deal?

I understand the DH pandering thing, it used to drive me to distraction. Also always being bad cop to XPs good cop - but this dynamic happens in lots of households not just those with step children..I'm guessing your DH is perhaps a bit more laid back about things in general? Mine was, and if we had had children together things would have been no different on that front.

On the plus side, XDPs DS has turned out to be an absolutely lovely young man Smile

Have you talked to DH about all this? If not, then you really do need to. If you are going to set boundaries, structures etc you both need to agree on them.

Good luck!

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allnewtaketwo · 16/03/2011 10:29

sympathies travis. I guess part of the reasons these things have come to the fore at this time is also that as you are now bringing a child up together, you will want to make sure that 'rules' and 'expectations' for DSS are consistent with how you want to bring up DD. For example, it really won't do for DH to have a very lenient attitude towards DSS, yet a stricter attitude towards DD.

We had this discussion a while back in our house. DS (2) had just been told to leave the table and sit on the stair because he wouldn't eat his dinner. Meanwhile, DSS (15) was sitting moaning about not liking his dinner and pulling out all the vegetables to the side of the plate, unchastised. I said in no uncertain terms that given we have a 'no dinner no dessert' rule for DS, that this therefore also applied to DSS, and that I simply wouldn't tolerate moaning about food at the dinner table.

It's very hard though, because you choose how to bring up your own child, yet your step-childs behaviours are generally shaped around what they see in their resident home. In our case, that standard of behaviours is very different from how we both want to bring up DS.

I think the important thing is to agree with DH how you both want it to work with DD, for example, when she's older. And then somehow get him to see that it won't be possible to have 2 different sets of standards for 2 children in the same house.

Good luck. And most of all congratulations!

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travispickles · 16/03/2011 16:33

Thanks all. I know that most of this is common stuff but it can be so trying can't it. And I feel like a cow at the moment - it doesn't help that the boy is not an outdoorsy type, he likes computers and isn't very talkative. I used to feel able to cuddle him but he is now nearly as tall as me and I feel a bit uncomfortable with him sitting on my knee. But he probably sees it as being usurped by the baby.

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NanaNina · 17/03/2011 23:18

Oh the joys of step-parenting. Thank god mine are grown with families of their own. It caused so many rows between myself and my DP and I always felt our own children suffered from all the hassle too.

I wonder travis if you think your DP is taking more notice of his son than of his new baby girl. Also I think when you have your own baby and fall in love with her, you feel more irritable about the step-children. This certainly happened in my case.

Don't feel like a cow - it's called being human - we can't love a step child like our own, well I don't think so anyway. This boy sounds very immature and a bit of a loner - does he have any mates.....you mentioned he hates change - is he on the autistic spectrum as in Aspergers Syndrome.

Ah well good luck and be don't beat yourself up - remember that the male lion kills the young of the lioness that he mates, as any young that she bears must be fathered by him!

Don't forget time will pass - the boy will eventually grow up and hopefully things will resolve themselves over time. They did for me.

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pfilfaerie · 27/03/2011 12:43

I am in a similar position although baby is refusing to arrive at the moment(11 days late today). SS is here now and I am sat in a different room basically because I dont need the stress of telling him what he needs to do. He is 12 going on 5 and again does not do anything but sit in front of a screen of one type or the other. The scenario's all sound so so similar including the eating thing, he eats maybe four things bread, chicken nuggets sweets and crisps. Which usually I do my best to prevent for his good, heaven knows what his bowels must be like! but this weekend I am refusing to let it get to me.
He will be back at his mums soon and able to manifest how he likes! Once the baby is here I will return to my quest and try and fix the poor lad but just for today .... its all about me!

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crazykat · 01/04/2011 15:14

You could be posting about my DSD. She's 8 and wants to be treated like an adult but act like a baby. At home she gets what she wants (with DH's ex complaining she hasn't got any money), she goes to bed when she wants and is always tired when she gets here on a saturday. It was always me who had to handle dicipline.

Tell your DP/DH you need to have some ground rules and write them up and show DSS, things like bed time, general behaviour. Also put on there punnishments for breaking the rules and rewards for following them. It worked for us and stopped a lot of arguments between me and DH as we were mostly working to the same guidelines.

For what it's worth after I had our first child I felt differently towards DSD. I had a bond with my own child from before she was born and I feel differently towards her than I do towards DSD. That's not to say I don't love DSD as much as my own DD it's a different kind of love. I also know that I have an equal opinion in how my DD is raised, but with DSD it's like I have no say but expected to treat her the same.

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zest01 · 01/04/2011 18:56

Hi

I can totally see your point with some things but not with others. We are a blended family and it can be tough - what really helped us was to agree a set of "family rules", really basic things and we allowed the older dc's to have SOME input into them as well. It did involve compromise on certain issues - you have to decide what is important (ie bedtimes) and what is less so (ie being read to).

I think some of the things you mention are not really a big deal. So what if he wants to hold a hand or have a story read. Kids are encouraged to grow up so fast these days and 10 is an awkward age when they feel like neither a child nor an adult. Our oldest is 11 and one minute she will be holding my hand to go to the shop and the next minute she is wanting to straighten her hair and paint her nails........I think swinging between the 2 is quite normal and even more so when a new baby (esp one who lives there all the time) is on the scene.

Don't get me wrong, I don't think you are being unreasonable to expect some ground rules to be agreed and stuck to and it sounds like you all need to do this asap. However I do also think you need to cut DSS some slack in some areas and learn to choose your battles.

Being a blended family is not easy, but it is possible and now we have to got to grips with it, things are working out really well for us.

Good luck!

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RhiRhi123 · 01/04/2011 19:52

YANBU From what you have all said it seems the kind of behaviour that drives me mad at times is pretty normal. My DSS is 10 and although he has a bed time of 9pm(which it never is) - i think thats reasonable as it allows my husband and i an hourish to ourselves before i go to bed (currently 8 months preg). He also wants to behave really grown-up with regards to doing what he wants when he wants behaviour attituted etc however on the other hand he still wants to be babied holds my DH's hand wants to be bathedHmm etc. We have him every other weekend and it seems like he spends the whole time glued to either his playstation his Ds his phone his psp or the tv (Yes he is spoilt which i REALLY DONT agree with but dont really have a say in) I agree with setting house rules although i have set some and they don't get enforced by my DH so i end up sounding like a nag. DSS is also rather precious and seems to cry at the slightest thing which i don't understand. I think it's the fathers that need to man up and stop being the disney dads. This would diffuse an awful lot of things IMO

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Anushka11 · 11/04/2011 17:35

You think 10 is old to be holding hands and acting infantile?? DSDs 1/2 are 18/15, and STILL want to hold daddies hand all the time, and behave like 6 year olds at times- DSD1 in particular! The tantrums she can throw are worse then my 4 year old!
(Love the term Disney dad!)

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