Bit premature but... Xmas & NY!!??

[LB1982]

Hi all,

I'm new here but have been reading all of your posts. Everyone seems lovely and I'm looking forward to getting some support here in the future. Have been learning the lingo :)

My DP and I have been together for just over a year. He has 2 children from previous marriage (1 not technically his but he has brought him up).

I enjoy being a new step mum. I have no children of my own (yet). All is going very well between us all (apart from their BM not speaking to me for no reason but I'm sure most of us are subject to this?!).

Now, I'm not after any advice and I know it's a very long way off but my DP wants to sort out Christmas and New Year so he knows where he stands. I'd just like to know how the rest of you handle this time of year? Split Christmas Day? Alternate? One have Xmas and one have NY?? I'm so used to only having to worry about myself! Plus I don't know what my family want to do until December 23rd most years and I'm so worried about missing out if I want to spend it with DP but he has the kids so I can't then spend it with my family :S

Thanks in advance :)

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

Hi LB- Welcome.

We had a thread about this last Xmas

here

HTH

[ladydeedy]

hello and welcome...

All I would say, given my experience, is not to worry too much about arrangements. The more you expect certain things, even if they are agreed by the other party, and the more you make it clear that they are important to you, the more likely it is that the other party will try and thwart plans or use it as some kind of ammunition nearer the time.

For example, we've had the situation of asking "we'd love to see them Christmas day and take them away to see family as they have spent christmas with you the last two years" and the response being "you absolutely cannot - Christmas is MINE and you can have new years eve but must bring them back before midnight", to the opposite of us saying "we're going away over Christmas and would love to have them over New Year" and exW saying " you absolutely must have some time with them over Christmas as I cannot stand having them all the time and you MUST give me some time off to go partying...".

So i would advise being chilled. Last year we said to both kids : we're here on the day anyway - there will be food enough if you're here but if you eat at your mum's that day that's cool too. We're going to see in laws for NY - come if you want to... Nothing is an issue. and that defused any potential animosity and gameplaying on the part of their mother.

I hope you can keep a civil relationship with her (well, your DP at least) and not rise to any battle... Good luck!!

[lateatwork]

we have never ever had christmas with DSS in the basis that he needs to spend it with his family (the inference of course being that we are not...)

In their wisdom, the mediators this year have left it p to DSS (nearly 7) to decide who he would like to spend Christmas with. Its rediculous. The decision should not be made by a 7 year old- far too much pressure. but hey ho.

[redfairy]

Hi,
We pretty much do what Ladydeedy says... We give EXP a list of the days we have off over Xmas and say whenever DSD wants to come she is more than welcome to join us. If we plan to visit any specific relatives we note that down too. That way EXP can feel she is calling the shots and we remain stress free. This works for holidays too and we always add that if she would like to suggest any other dates we will consider it and do our best to sort something out.

[ladydeedy]

my advice - keep a record of everything too!

For example, we checked with EXW last MAY re dates for a big holiday we wanted to do with DSSs this Easter holidays (wanted to book flights as soon as they became available as we are tied to Easter holiday dates and they go up in price).

So she texted back "ok" and then THIS MORNING she emailed DP to say, "What's this I've heard about you taking x and x away over Easter without even consulting me? Do I count for nothing? Yet another example of you continually undermining me and showing me no respect whatsoever. I know you dont want me to exist any more but I am their MOTHER and you need to involve me in any plans you make - I am not dead yet although I know that is what you want!"

It was good to be able to say, erm, actually yes you agreed to this almost a year ago and here is the text....

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

Totally agree with ladydeedy on keeping copies of texts/mails !

[Petal02]

When I first met DH, we couldn?t make any plans for Christmas, because ?the ex hasn?t told us what she?s doing yet? ? and of course the ex would never let us know her plans til around 23 Dec. So I told DH to be master of his own destiny for a change, and that he should tell the ex what WE were doing, instead of waiting on her instructions.

To be fair, it?s usually worked quite well ? we?re generally at home on Christmas Day/Boxing Day with the wider family, so we?re flexible. We?ve always tried to avoid ?split? days though ? the first year I was with DH, he spent a ridiculous amount of time ferrying SS between the two houses (the ex NEVER does lifts), meaning he had to stay stone cold sober al Christmas.

That said, I?d be a little wary about committing yourself to fixed Christmas plans so far in advance ? unless, of course, you?re booking a holiday. Other factors in your life could change, eg work patterns, other relatives etc and you could find yourself with something that?s unworkable by December, even though it looked sensible when you planned it in March.

[theredhen]

ladydeedy, that's exactly how we have to carry on. The more DP says he wants something, the more determined she is to not let him have it. If he is specific with dates, she finds a reason why it doesn't suit her, but if he says he doesn't mind, she normally fits in around what we would like. Strange logic but I think she likes to think she is in control.

[ladydeedy]

theredhen, totally get where you are coming from! We do use the reverse psychology trick a lot and it seems to work every time! . Especially if she thinks she is thwarting our plans.

So for example one year when we defintely wanted to see the DSSs at Christmas (as we planned to visit grandparents) we mentioned to her the idea that DH and I were considering going on holiday on our own and ask if she would have them whilst we went away sunning ourselves. She flipped and said that she had had enough of "babysitting them" all the time and that we absolutely had to have them - and not just for one week but for TWO so that she could be "free" of them, and see how we like it etc etc etc. Played right into our hands....

[jaffacake79]

Isn't it rubbish you need to be that manipulative though?

DD's Dad and I alternate years, so last year she was with us for xmas (eve, day and boxing day etc) and then away with her Dads family for new year. This year she's away from 24th pm until 27th am and then with us for the rest of the holidays.

We plan holidays and weekends at the beginning of the year to take into account important dates in one another's calendars. There's still some flexibility though, and as dd has got older it gets easier.

[Petal02]

Sounds like you just have to play the game sometimes - but I agree with the poster who said it's mad that you have to resort to this. There's so much bitterness in these situations.

[bonnymiffy]

Last year DSS ended up with him Mum for Christmas day and New Year, but we picked him up on Boxing day and went to my in-laws for a few days, so he had two Christmases (as we did!), but previously it's been alternated, I think. I'm like your DP, LB1982, and like to plan ahead, but like you am finding the adjustment to having to fit in with someone else who is nothing to do with me quite hard.

[ladydeedy]

We tried alternating but she would always change plans at the last minute so it was just pointless - and no way of guaranteeing any time at all which was frustrating

So yes it is manipulative but works and means we are less frustrated!

We dont really have to do this now as one now lives with us and the other is of sixth form age and therefore can act more independently.

[mdoodledoo]

We've been having the kids on Christmas morning - pick up about 9am (never ready to go) and return about midday (got to be on time). We do the transport so with a 15/20 min journey each way it cuts the time actually at our house by a fair bit.

This year we're going to suggest that they wake up with us and then go back to their Mum for lunch - because that seems to be an important milestone in the day. Not asked yet though - it's difficult because I suppose we all want the excited 'kids on Christmas morning' bit.

I'm one of those who would prefer to plan ahead a bit so that everyone knows where they are - but DP is more laid back so the arrangements aren't usually firmed up until a few weeks ahead.

There's no significant animosity between DP and ExW which makes things loads easier than many on here though.

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

We alternate each year- Much easier that way.

[ladydeedy]

We used to. one time we picked them up for Christmas with a def plan to return them on 29th Dec(DH and I had plans to go to Madrid for NY). Then we got a text from EXW informing us she was at the airport, going on holiday THAT DAY and not back till 9th Jan! Oh and could we tell the kids?

The woman still amazes me (and not in a good way)

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

lady- this is just

[ladydeedy]

I know. Still makes me feel funny, a few years on.

So we had to cancel our plans for Madrid, husband had to take additional time off work unpaid (as we were both due to be back at work directly after new year and had no alternative child care options and they were quite young), and so on.

I can laugh about it now though

[LB1982]

Hello everyone. Thank you for your kind replies. I can relate to so many of you! So nice to know I'm not alone :)

ladydeedy, that is a good point. EXW does this also. If we don't make dates important, she won't get pleasure out of taking them away! :) Redfairy, yes, I agree - giving her a list of dates is a good idea.

In your second post ladydeedy, that could have been written by me! She does this all the time and fabricates messages that my DP hasn't even written!

Petal - Hmm yes, the EXW here never does lifts either. Makes me very annoyed sometimes, merely because of the cost of petrol.

ladydeedy - you're penultimate post is just horrific! Has she ever showed any remorse? Well, what goes around as they say.

Thanks everyone. The DP has since asked (I wish he'd left it a few months but hey) and she has said she'll ask the eldest (who is 7!! - lateatwork - I agree - too young!!). So we'll see what happens.

[RhiRhi123]

Hi there,

Xmas is a bit of a night mare for us. We aren't allowed DSS on xmas day or NYE no matter what - in my opinion it should be alternated as it makes things awkward. DH and I spend xmas day with my family then we pick DSS up on boxing day and go over to DH's mums it means we have to have an xmas dinner 2 days in a row! I feel bad for DH not seeing his family on xmas day but there's not much we can do about it as it wouldn't be fair for me not to see my family over xmas. This year we will have our own DD (due in 8 weeks!) which throws another spanner in the works as i'd like to do a big xmas at our house for her first xmas with everyone. i'm just trying to think about the fact that xmas is ages (ish) away! so that I don't get annoyed about it!

[RhiRhi123]

Sorry that sounds like i'm being really selfish saying I wouldn't be able to see my family over xmas. I mean we have DSS boxing day every year so if we saw his family on xmas day aswell we wouldn't get to see my family at all. Plus I don't like the fact that we are being dictated to and have to fit plans around the witch Exp.

[fairystepmother]

When SS's mum was alive we used to alternate every year - that way we knew where everyone stood.

We did have SS9's mum cancel on us one year on Christmas Eve and refuse to let us have him - we were gutted on the day, but it taught us that Christmas Day itself is not the be all and end all as you can make any day Christmas. We had our family Christmas two days later that year and it was brilliant - one of our best.

[Drizzela]

We have xmas even and xmas day morning then the other parent has xmas day afternoon and boxing day. This alternates every year.

It is laid out on email (never just by voice!) around August time with specific times and pick up/ drop off arrangements around August time.

[thinkingkindly]

We have finally cracked this one - and, oh, it has been a miserable miserable process! But now we do strictly alternate Christmases, which is so much better than trying to do 'Christmas day here, Boxing day there' etc. Everything is laid out in advance - I start pushing DH on this around September, usually gets sorted in November.