Am being driven to despair...

[ThreeStepSons]

I need every bit of help I can get.. My DP was widowed last August, although had been separated for 3 years prior to that, just not quite divorced. He has 2 's himself - 20 & 21, who chose to live with him rather than their mother. His actual son, 15, lived with their mum.

The boys are lovely boys, but my god are they hard work. The older two are particularly difficult as they don't feel the need to pitch in with any housework (minor things, like emptying bins, removing cups, plates, glasses from their rooms) and occasionally running the hoover round. They pay £25 a week in board, which they have since leaving school at 16.

The youngest is just a typical 'teenager' - stroppy, GCSE hell (doesn't see the point/want to work).

Whilst you can attribute a little of this to loosing their mother, and I'm going to hell for the way I speak about her (NOT to them, I hasten to add, just here) but she spoiled them rotten (in every way, from gifts/money to not making them eat 1 meal that she cooked, cooking 3 meals every night, not making them tidy up after themselves, etc).

The middle one is on about moving out with his girlfriend of 5 years by the end of April, although this date has moved from the beginning of April. We don't want him to leave, love him (them all) dearly, but we're getting so fed up of their lack of respect & cleanliness in the house.

I only moved in in October, as a direct result of their mother dying - the boys were a bit of a mess, and wanted me to come & help. Of course at first you feel "I must do everything for them at this hard time", but I seem to have never stopped.

Their dad put his foot down about 2 weeks ago and told them to revert back to how they were before their mum died - they pulled their weight, and added a little chore for the 15 yo, and of course chores for me. But they keep not happening.

We had a family meeting tonight, and their dad said their board would go up by £10 a week (btw, the oldest 2 only pay board, and earn £300+ net a week) as long as they didn't do their chores.. To which the 20 yo said he'd rather pay the extra than do anything, as he'll be gone before it gets ridiculously expensive. So DP said it will go up exponentially for him whilst he has that attitude.

My stuff got brought down, although most of my things are in storage, and other than the odd feminine touch (flowers occasionally, a cushion or two & proper cooking equipment!) it's their house & unchanged by me.. The house was evaluated just before Christmas & has dropped by £70k because of the state of it (stained carpets, holes in walls, kitchen doors removed/written on). I left my lovely flat, all nice & perfect, and tbh, the situation & state of the home makes me really upset - I hate living like this, but REFUSE to do everything they don't do, and I really think sometimes I want to just move out & live elsewhere in the town...

I'm finding it so hard, although love having the family I always wanted. And I stress regularly that I love them dearly, but know I will never (and would never want to) replace their mother.

Oh god, it's hard.. Help anyone??

[wendihouse22]

I could not live that way.

I have a 17 yr old sd who's room (when and after she stays)is a perpetual tip. I change her bed. That's it. I ask her to strip it herself now.....I'm not the maid. I may sound a little harsh but kids nowadays do nothing (generally) in the home. It was different when I was a teenager (I'm 48) and I'm not saying it was right but, by the time I was 13, I was hoovering, peeling the veggies before my mum came home from work and was entirely responsible for my room and my stuff. Putting in my own washing etc.

This family have had a tough time and although your partner was "nearly divorced" I suspect they are devastated following the loss of their mum. You're brave to take all this on.

It would be a good thing to (all of you) set about making some improvements to the home. Doors being removed? Writing on the doors? Old stained carpets? No. I could not live like that.

Get some basic things sorted or this will get you down and the relationship will fail.

[prettyfly1]

Wouldnt do the boys any harm to learn about looking after their environment. The argument about "womens work" may well be difficult to overcome, but there is nowt wrong with boys learning about laying carpets, painting walls and sanding down doors. They are life skills that will serve them well and whilst they are there they should be getting on with it. You can all do it together. Its not about payment, its being part of a family and they need to learn that!

[Grandhighpoohba]

Oh dear, it sounds like you are having a dreadful time.

If it were me, I would have another family meeting, and say you have changed your mind about the rent. The problem with upping the money because they are not pulling their weight is that they then see you as the paid for maid service, and feel justified in doing nothing in the house. Also, it means that your time spent doing all their share of the work is worth £10 a week? Doesn't suggest that they have much respect for you. I would draw up a list of everything that needs done and ask them who they think should be doing what. If they say you, ask them to justify it. Ask them why they feel you should do more than them. You are not their mother, and merely being the only female member of the household does not mean you should have to wait on them hand and foot.

Draw up a fair rota, and have consequences for not doing their jobs. Obviously you cannot stop them going out, but you could for example password the internet connection and only allow access when work is done? After all, you are paying for it. I think you can also threaten eviction tbh. It does these boys no favours to think the world will look after them.

Some redecoration is also in order, it needs to be your home too.

[Grandhighpoohba]

BTW, I spent years putting my needs below that of my step family, I became seriously resentful, despite loving them to bits. Eventually I cracked, and demanded that at least some of our lifestyle was based around my needs. And you know what? It now is, and it wasn't the end of the world for anyone. We are all happier. Wish I had done it a long time ago. So nip this in the bud!

[Petal02]

I don?t want to under-estimate how hard losing their mother must have been. But what you describe seems like the ?default? setting of teenage boys who have been allowed to get away without doing any housework.

My SS is nearly 17, and can?t do ANYTHING for himself. He doesn?t flush the loo, or empty the bath, if he opens a cupboard he doesn?t close the door, and my husband has to prompt him to ensure he washes, cleans his teeth and dresses appropriately. A few weeks ago, my husband tried to teach him to make tea and coffee, but it didn?t go very well.

SS isn?t traumatised or bereaved, he?s simply typical of a teenage boy who will do the bare minimum he can get away with. I?m sure the majority of teenage boys are lazy in this respect, and if they?re allowed to get away with it, the situation will not improve.

[ladydeedy]

agree with Petal - this is a young person's default behaviour (sorry for sweeping generalisation) but yes.
so dont feel wary about this because their mother has died. this is obviously something else that clearly affects them. But it shouldnt prevent them from treating you (or anyone else for that matter) with respect. You are not their maid. If you feel it's a problem, just move back to your flat but spend time with them as another human being but not a live-in maid.
My DSS need to be reminded to do the basics but it's not wilful on their part, it's just not important to them at the moment (and I recall being the same myself at the same age - shamefully!). it's not becoming "normal" for my youngest DSS to clear the table, put things in the dishwasher, we ask him to strip his bed once a week and to put his washing in the basket, but he DOES have to be reminded. Does it in good humour though, so cannot complain!
Take it easy. Look after YOU.

[ladydeedy]

I should correct : it's NOW becoming normal....