Can anyone help?

[mrfc]

I'm slightly new to this so forgive me if I use the wrong terminology, I must admit I haven't a clue what all these abbreviations stand for, actually I've never been on this website before today. In fact I'm not even a mother, or stepmother. But my step mum would talk about this site and how much it helped her sometimes, to know that people were going through the same things she was, so I thought I would give it a go.

My parents split up when I was 3, there was a time when all I wanted in the world was for them to get back together, but as I grew older I realised that would be the worst possible scenario. I'm now 17.

My dad and step mum married in 2003, and I was over the moon. Throughout the time they've been married I became incredibly close to my step mum, we were very alike and I loved her very much, in the past 2 years I've come to think of her as more of a mother than my biological mother. She was incredibly important to me, I don't think she ever expected us to have such a good relationship after hearing about the conflict step parents can cause within families, but I'm glad to say she was a huge, and loved part of my life. I hope you are all finding your relationships like this too, although I know it is somewhat rare for complicated situations like this to be positive, and I'm very grateful that mine was.

When my step mum was 6 months old she was diagnosed with cancer for the first time, as a consequence she lost one eye. Shortly before she met my father she was diagnosed with breast cancer, (completely unrelated to the first), she made an amazing recovery and went on to have a child in 2005 and breast-fed him from her remaining breast.
In christmas of 2008 she was diagnosed with breast cancer a second time. Her recovery was slower this time but she pulled through.
On fathers day last year we were told that the cancer had spread to the skin, and then to the bone. She became progressively worse throughout the year having good and bad patches but managing to always stay out of hospital.
She was an amazing, amazing woman, she was incredibly strong and never let the cancer rule her life, she was adamant that she would be okay, both her and my dad believed she had many years to live.
Around a month and a half ago, she passed away.
It happened very suddenly and by the time we knew that she wouldn't recover (the cancer had spread to the brain) she was hardly able to speak or see. She died peacefully at home, me and my dad were with her, and her parents and sister were in the house as well.

Now that she's gone I don't know how to feel. I'm absolutely devastated, and can't explain the loss I feel, its as if I've lost my own mother. But my mother was never understanding of our relationship and so doesn't see how deeply this has affected me. Although my dad and my step mums family knew how close we were, I don't know how to act around them as I'm trying to be there for my dad, and look after my little brother (half brother), as its important for him not too be surrounded by grief.

After writing all of this I seem to have forgotten what my original question was. I think all I want to know is if anyone has experienced something like this?
How my brother might feel knowing I had a childhood with his mother that he won't ever have?
I have no friends who can understand what I'm feeling, and my step mum used to say she would always feel better knowing someone else was experiencing the same as her, and reading about it on mumsnet, knowing she wasn't alone. So really I just want to know if there's anyone, who knows how I'm feeling right now?

[exoticfruits]

I haven'tbeen in the same situation but I have been through bereavement and it is hard. At the moment you are trying to be strong for everyone and you need help yourself. I haven't personal experience but there are organisations like Winston's wish here I should try seeing your GP and finding someone to help and put you in touch with others-for your brother too.

[exoticfruits]

Actually-it might be better to start with the main page here and there is a help line.

[exoticfruits]

I will bump it up for you and hope that someone comes along who can give real advice-I'm afraid that I'm not a lot of good-I just didn't like to leave your post unanswered.
I would try your GP first and see what they suggest-don't try and do it all alone. So sorry for your loss, she sounds as if she was a lovely woman.Take care, my very best wishes.

[exoticfruits]

I think that you might get more help if you post on Bereavement-you may not have noticed it. Look on topics under Body and Soul.

[wendihouse22]

How old are you, 17? You are a credit to your mum, your dad and your step mum. You sound amazingly mature with an understanding and attitude that belies your age. So often on here, we read threads all about kids, teenagers (especially) and young adults in "step" situations who are spoilt, selfish and have no comprehension of how their actions make us feel.

You're trying to be strong for your dad and for your half brother, which is important to you (obviously) but you need to have someone to talk to, about your step mum, your feelings about the loss of her after battling a devastating illness for so long (and this will have taken its toll on you too) and the way forward without her. I am so sad for you and for this young lad. I can't claim to know how you are feeling in your particular situation though I have had close bereavement and it was hard for me (though I was a grown adult). Please contact your GP and explain, as you have in your post here, exactly how you feel. They may put you in touch with an organisation for some counselling or support with young people who've had a similar experience. How lovely that MN was a source of comfort to your step mum. It can be a real giggle too - which is much needed in times of stress.

It will be hard for your own mum to understand how you feel possibly from a "it's not as if she was YOUR mum!" point of view? But she surely can see that you are grieving and can offer some comfort on that basis alone?

I am so sad for you. Take care x

P.S I have steps who, if I dropped dead tomorrow wouldn't give it a second thought despite my best efforts. You were lucky to have this step mum and she you. x

[prettyfly1]

Heya

I havent been through what you have but I couldnt let your post pass without saying how sorry I am that you have lost someone so special too you. Everything you are feeling sounds very normal and there are people who can help you talk through your grief.

I understand how your mum feels but do you think she can understand it as someone special and close to you just died whom you loved? I would feel terribly for my children in that situation.

Have you anyone who can just give you a hug. You are being incredibly grown up but I feel like perhaps you need someone to give you some comfort and allow you to be devastated - is there anyone like this in your life? You have a lovely attitude but I think perhaps you are trying to use being strong to mask how sad you feel. Eventually this will become impossible, so perhaps if you could find someone to talk too, it would allow you to be what you are - a devastated young woman who just lost someone who is like a mum to her. Just because she wasnt your biological mum, doesnt make your pain any less real or important then anyone else in your life.

[BakuMum]

You are an extremely eloquent young woman who is clearly in touch with your feelings. I have never had to go through what you have, but your dad and brother are very lucky to have you around for them. As much as you are there for them, though, they, or especially your Dad, needs to be there for you. He is the person best able to understand what your step Mum meant to you - as the rest of us are here worrying about the relationships between step parents and step children, it's so good to hear of a strong and positive bond and your dad must have been aware, and grateful for that. So talk to him - don't feel as though you are burdening him, but share memories, share the love you both felt for this courageous woman and share the grief.
Allow yourself to rely on your Dad a bit - maybe he won't see it as a new stress, but a reminder that he is still needed by those still living.
I wish you well.

[BristolJim]

Try to remember as much as you can about your mum. Cherish and store old photos, videos, scraps, anything. Beg people for memories or mementoes of her. Your brother will one day want to know all about his mother and far, far from resenting you will love hearing stories about her and finding out about her.

BTW, you sound like a wonderful person. Be strong for your father and brother, but let them be strong for you when you need it.

[fairystepmother]

Hello there mrfc,

It sounds like you had a wonderful relationship with your step-mum - I only hope I can be half the step-mum to my own stepson. Loosing a parent must be terrible - and even though you were not blood relatives it sounds like your step-mum was just as close to you as a bio - parent would be.

You must allow yourself to grieve - it's part of the process of coping with your loss and while I really admire your strength for being there for your dad and brother you must take time for yourself as well. I understand you might not be able to talk to your own mum, but is there someone else? Winston's Wish are wonderful - I would strongly recommend getting in touch with them. They have been wonderful for us.

My situation is similar in that our lives were devastated by cancer - my SS9's bio mum died of cancer last year. It's been a very difficult year for us but it does get easier I promise. You don't forget but the pain does ease.

Take care xxx