How do I broach the subject of dds biological father... And do I?

[chloeb2002]

Dd has never known her biological father. We separated because I was pregnant. She had a photo of him in her room till she was about 3 bur asked me to change the picture for one without him in it. Which I did. I married when she was 4 and she sees Dh as dad and has 2 step siblings too now. She has contact with her bio dads parents and cousins. My concern is how do I broach/ remind her he exists or do I just not bother till she is older? She is 8 now. She appears to just accept she has three set of grand parents etc. I am not overly concerned that her bio dad will get in contact although he has a new partner who has three children so I guess I'm concerned he may get curious. He does live 12 hours away so not next door. Dd is a smart kid and is very happy and secure in our home setup. Maybe im making life too complicated? Any suggestions appreciated.

[Ilovethedoctor]

I would wait til she asks.

[PegsOnTheNewSpringLine]

I would tell her when she broaches the subject of her making or family history- find a moment, she is old enough to understand.

I'm in the same boat as yours, had DD on my own and then met DH, whom I married and he has 2 DDs. Ex lives in another country but has always maintained his Child Maintenance payments..

I told DD when she was 6 as she asked me when/how I made her. I felt much like you until she was 4 and was itching to tell her but I waited for a sign that she was mature enough to know.

I explained we were in love when we made her but that we didn't get on and I carried on on my own with her until I met DH. DD took it in her stride and has been lucky it all coincided with her father wanting to get to know her and be involved.

You don't have to explain in too much details and do avoid badmouthing him. If you can, you should let him know that your DD now knows who he is.

Very glad I did and it was such a relief too because, in a way, it's a bit of a lie by omission if you don't tell them. If you wait too long you might be sitting on a huge family drama in a couple years time (teenage years) if she finds out via someone else and she could then feel hugely betrayed. I don't want to give you a hard time just being very honest & pointing out this could become so much more than what it is now.

HTH & good luck.

[NoodlesMam]

I too am in the same situation, ex left because I was pregnant, had very little contact, then none, then came back on the scene when DD was about 5yrs then disappeared again.

I agree with Pegs and think you really have to be as honest as possible about the situation. I have always been very open and honest with my DD without badmouthing ex and also admitting to my own faults as I believe anything else would come back to haunt me.

I contacted my ex just before DD's 10th birthday, sent him some pictures and a little letter telling him how wonderful DD is, he replied to say thank you and said that if DD would like to see him then he would see her. I discussed it with DD and she chose not to but have continually given her the option since. As far as DD is concerned my DH is her 'dad' as he provides for her, loves her and does 'dad' things with her, therefore she can't see any reason to contact her bio dad, she doesn't need him. This might change as she gets older and I will always support her in any decisions she makes.

As for when to bring the subject up, I found my DD brought it up herself around age 8, I then sat her down and talked with her and since then, if we are ever alone say driving in the car, i will occasionally bring up the topic and offer DD the option of contacting her BioDad. We have discussed it a little more lately as DD has been learning about genetics at school and this has led her to ask 'you have tiny feet, why are mine so big' 'where do I get my nose from' etc. and I'm glad I can answer her honestly without any awkwardness.

It's a really difficult situation to be in and I suppose you never know if you are doing the right thing but you will know your DD better than anyone else and you should do what you think is best for her.

Good luck :)

[chloeb2002]

Thanks for that. i guess my concern is that ive gently broached the subject a couple of times and she is very dismissive of it. I guess its probably just not relevant to her atm. I know she is happy and has a fantastic life now so i guess i just have to wait till the right time comes up. Part of the problem in our family maybe is that dh is adopted and is a little sensative about the subject! Bio dad was paying a very small amount of child support which we have stopped because i know he only pays it because it is taken directly at source and he really doesnt want to and we are far better off financially than he is. he refused to work till dd turned 18 or he didnt have to pay any more.. nice guy.. but no i dont bad mouth him and i get on great with his folks although at times it can be a little strained!
I guess it also as said above feels like a lie by omission which is why id like to talk to her about it, but also i know she needs to be able to understand the situation. It feels like a bit of a yes you have a bio father but no he wont see you. In turn im then concerned that his mother may put her foot in it about him now having stepchildren...

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

I feel for you- Maybe you just need to say :

I know you might not want to talk about this but I think this is important. It means a lot to me & I need to be honest with you

When she asked why her dad wasn't around all these years, I said to DD that me and her father didn't get on and that he didn't feel ready being a dad at the time.

This could be a starting point and she will appreciate you being honest with her.

HTH