Starting to resent DSS

[ResentingItAll]

Sorry posted this on relationships but realised it may fit better here.

Basically, DH and I married last April. We had been together two years previous to that. He has a low paid job and he and his son lived in an ex-council house whilst I am a qualified professional and DS and I lived in a 3 bedroom semi. Therefore the arrangment was that they would move in with me. I was totally prepared for having to pay more towards the costs of everything as I earned more but as it is now I'm starting to resent every penny. DH seems to think it is DSS's right to have the latest trainers, video games, designer school bags etc as one of us is a "high earner" (I don't earn that much!! less than £25k). Therefore I get called "tight" and "stingy" if I dare say no. DH seems to forget there are two kids here, not just one and if I'm buying one a pair of £60 trainers - the total cost is bound to escalate to £120 once the other one gets wind of it!
I really resent so much of my money going on DSS and I know that sounds awful but there is a difference between providing for a child and totally spoiling a child. Before they moved in DS never got designer trainers etc (maybe once a year but he'd have to put some of his pocket money towards them). My next bugbear is the holiday situation. We have booked a 2 week holiday to Orlando. The original hotel we booked DSS got his dad alone and convinced him it was "crap" and "cheap" and so I was stupidly convinced by DH to upgrade it. I later realised this had again been for the benefit of DSS who wanted a water park incorporated into the hotel!!! DH has now come up with a long list of clothing DSS wants for the holiday, most of which I'll be expected to pay for. DH has also gone and booked a dolphin swim for us all (requested again by dss) which I'll have to pay for. Dss came home from school yesterday with a letter about a trip to Paris - DH agreed "we" would pay for him to go without even asking me about it first.
I just feel like I'm working my arse off all week and the majority of my spare cash is going on DSS. I've tried speaking to DH but all I get is "you said you'd take him on and treat him if he was yours and now you're deciding you don't like putting your hand in your pocket" etc etc
The state of the house too, since they moved in its just a tip. DSS broke the fridge door, got jam all over a white wall, has wrecked his bedroom carpet and broke the blinds in there, I feel like I'm just getting totally taken advantage of but when I say anything it just sounds like I'm being a stingy snob.

DSS is 13 btw

[rainbowinthesky]

The problem isnt your dss but your relationship with your dh.

[Nell799]

You seriously need to sit down and sort this out . They are taking advantage of you . You need to agree house rules and allowances and if your DH doesn't either agree or finds a better job to accommodate what he and his son are requesting then you need to think about what you really want .

Can you draw up a list of ingoings and outgoing and where the money went , and what you both contribute to show him ? And make it the start of a budget . Highlight areas where you , as the main earner are going to cut back ?

[littlemisslost]

I am absolutely in your situation and have been for the last 10 years, I married after 2 years, we had no child but he had a son, his son and mother live in a council flat and dh had moved home to his parents after their split. I had a decent paid job (more than dh) and my own place, after w e got married we bought together and I always earned more than him and we had a dd. Basically check out my thread ( Help...I feel like the worst person in the world) Sorry to say it doesnt get easier, you end up resenting the ss and then your dh and .......well you will see where we are now! You either like it or lump it

[Smum99]

I woouldn't blame DSS as it sounds like your DH is behaving like a child and your job is to parent him and dss.

A blended family does take work so all might not be lost but it does mean your dh will need to grow up and realise that ANY family income needs to be planned. Does he understand the concept of budgets?

He must also understand that you and him are the team so all decisions are joint. If household finances are tight then I think you should be agreeing expenditure jointly - maybe by sitting down and working out how much disposable income you have, jointly.

I hope you cna resolve this as resentment can quickly destroy a relationship

[theredhen]

How old is your own ds? Does your partner ever ask for things your ds might want or is it all about dss all the time? Not surprised you are resentful but agree with others that your focus should be on your partner.

I too am having issuees where i feel dp is treating dss more favourably than ds and i'm becoming resentful.

I think your/my dp has his own insecurity issues that he is trying to work through by making you feel guilty.

[lateatwork]

money is an emotive issue for most people. you need to sit down with dh and have a cold (ie non emotive) discussion about it.

seems like dh isnt used to having money about so maybe doesnt really understand how 'far' £25k actually goes (in my books certainly not to designer trainers... for all...)

you need to have a family budget.

my DH earns a pittance. and i am a high earner. all DH cash effectively goes to support DSS. It irks me. But to be honest, I can support him... but i wont be able to when we have the twins so we too are having the upfront, matter of fact cash talks on occasion...

oh and just to reiterate others, it is DH that is the problem here, not your DSS... most kids want designer stuff at that age and its up to the parents to say yes or no. and always remember... you are not a bank.

[Petal02]

It?s all very well for your DH to call you a high-earner, but if you?re on £25k, and he earns very little, and there are two children to consider, then your earnings won?t go very far. I think you should work out a monthly budget, identify how much money there is available to be spent on the boys, and split it equally between the two of them. Anything else is totally unfair.

I agree it?s your DH who is the problem here, I?m sure lots of teenage boys want all the latest clothes, gadgets etc, but your DH should be putting his foot down.