getting some acknowledgement of stepmumming?

[ladydeedy]

maybe this should be in AIBU..?

but honestly... I have been with DH now for 10 years and married for 8. He has two boys who were v young when we got together (wife decided to split, nothing to do with me - did not meet DH till after).

We deliberately moved to be near the boys hwen we first got together. One now lives with us. Both boys are fabulous btw and we all get on great and spend a lot of time together.

ExW has been terrible and manipulative and downright awful to DSS and to DH. I am obviously doing a lot of the parenting to DSS who lives with us (both DH and I often travel abroad for work but never at same time). ExW has written to school saying I am not to be included in anything to do with DSS as am not his parent. Am not to sign any school forms, has written to doctor to say am not allowed to sign anything relating to his healthcare, has written to his sports clubs saying not to have me on email list for any communications as am not his mother....
Tells anyone who cares to listen that, whilst she is "ok" with the fact that DSS now lives with us, that she is clear that I am NOTHING to do with it, and must not be allowed to make any decisions relating to DSS...

I dont think I feel p*ssed off as such (as her miserable life so different from mine), just want to say to her - you know what? your son hates you so much he couldnt bear to live with you any more. I support him and offer him a good role model for what a parent should do. He has flourished ever since he came to live with us.

School and doctor and so on have said, thanks for informing us (but have ignored her attempts to dictate!). Just wanted to get that off my chest!!

[nenevomito]

Ladydeedy - No, AIBU isn't the place for this as you would get a lot of people viewing this subjectively against their own experience, which would be vastly different to yours. It would come back to the age of paradox of being a step parent, where you are damned if you do not show the right level of love and care and also damned if you do as you are not his "Mum".

Let what you have done speak for itself. You have taken him in and given him and home where he has flourished. He is loved and cared for and I know from other posts you're doing what you can to protect him from the worst.

You will never get any acknowledgement from her about what you do for her son as in her mind you are a direct threat. Its a shame she can't see that its not about you, but about how she treated him as that would give her the best opportunity to have a good relationship with him, but its just easier for her to try and cut you out in other ways.

[nenevomito]

age old paradox, not age of. Durrr.

[theredhen]

ladydeedy - Don't put it in AIBU, they're pretty viscious over there!

I think the fact that his Mum is so anti you shouts jealousy and insecurity to me.

I would take satisfaction from that in that she knows she is a let down to her son and she knows you are doing a better job.

You will never get acknowledgement but I think you should try and turn your thinking around to not expecting anything from her and in fact, if I were you, I would be pitying a woman who couldn't look after her own son properly.

[glasscompletelybroken]

It's shocking but nothing you can do is there? We have been living together as a family with DH's DC's here half the time for over 4 years but if anything happended to my DH I know I would never see his Dc's again. I am entitled to look after them, cook and clean for them, make their packed lunches, do their washing but that's all i'm entitled to.

[PegsOnTheNewSpringLine]

what Glass said applies to me too.

I've been where you are now and since I have decided to not waste my time yearning for recognition that will never come.

Instead, I look at the amazing relationship I have built with both DBDs and how we have succeeded as a blended family.

[ladydeedy]

Thank you. You are all right (as in correct, as well as "alright"!), I know.

I know I should pity her - I do in fact, but just occasionally it gets me...

I think as stepmums we all face a bit of a thankless task and it's a role that is hugely underestimated by anyone not in that position.

I take heart in the fact that DSS is doing so well, is happy and secure and all those great things.... thanks all!

[jonicomelately]

Your DSS knows how great you are. That's all that matters

[theredhen]

ladydeedy, yes I think we have a lot of responsibility but none of the recognition and that is soooo hard. I find it incredibly frustrating and my step kids don't live with us all the time. I can only imagine how you feel and I take my hat off to you.

[Sammie29]

hi there. I have similare problems with my dp's exw. she is married to my dad as well. for the last 3 and a half years she has, called the police on me, written to schools and doctors to say i am not to come near, tried to turn the rest of my family against me by telling lies...... the list goes on.

Why would ex wives rather believe that their kids are living with ogres rather than women who love their kids.

[ladydeedy]

gosh sounds the same experience - I too have had the police come round to question me based on some fabrications on her part. They apologised to me once they realised what was going on ....

I know she wont see it, but I agree with you, in that you'd think, given some horror stories around, that a mother would be delighted to know that their ex partner was married to someone who actually cared about their children! Oh well!

[eileenslightlytotheleft]

Ladydeedy you sound like a fabulous stepmum!!! What a silly woman - apart from anything else, you might need to communicate with school or doc if your DH is away. Sounds like they are all ignoring her anyway - which is good.

This forum has really helped me to realise that we don't have it so bad!

[ladydeedy]

Yes we should count our blessings - it could all be so much worse! Am grateful that my DH is a wonderful man and that we are v lucky to have a great life together...

Have a great weekend everyone!