I have had enough

[emjanedel]

I posted on here a few times now with my ongoinmg saga and feel like i am getting boring but my friends and family don't get why i am so down about this whole thing. quick recap - sd doesn't want to see me as she finds seeing me too traumatic so court has allowed interim contact between DP and SD for 12 weeks then DP wishes to progress contact until it is eventual staying contact. Anyway DP had his contact on sunday with SD and came back, i asked how it went. God, i wish i hadn't.SD is nearly 11. She says to DP "my mum says in a few weeks i will have to see x and y" (me and our DD). DP says yes it is my hope that we can all start spending some time togteher. SD replies "but i don't want to see x + y". She gets upset, starts crying saying that it she doesn't like seeing me and dd becuse it upsets her. DP then says to her that we will all do what makes her happy, if that means not seeing me and DD then so be it - to which the tears stop.

I am now ready to walk. This whole thing is making DP ill, been to the dr and dr is concened and sent him for tests. I didn't think that this would be easy but i didn't think it would be so horrendous, i just want to take my DD and get out of the situation (it must be that fun for here as court case provokes long discussions and on occasions rows. I want to give my little girl a happy life. But feel strangled. When we go to his family and friends the conversation is all about his dd and how she doesn't want anything to dop with me ( am beginning to feel a cross between myra hindly and rose west). I just want to feel there is light at the edge of the tunnel.

[JandT]

Why doesn't your SD want anything to do with you? How old is your DD and why wasn't it 'sorted' before? Sorry to just ask questions but don't really understand what the cause of this is.

[theredhen]

It's all about her isn't it? Where's the conversation about your DD? How many hours do you and DP spend talking about DSD? I understand you must feel very hurt when you feel you have done nothing to deserve this.

Do you not think that after a while when things settle down that you will start to adjust and will have more time to devote to DD? At the moment, it is the "hot" topic, but it won't be like that forever. I suspect that DSD may well change her mind in a few months / years but in the meantime can you not see the positive in that although you don't get any of the postives of being a "blended family", you also don't any of the drudgery that so many of us complain about.

Just trying to see the positives.

[emjanedel]

It isn' the hot topic as it the white elephant in the room. For JANDT the history is dp split with ex before we met, ex was controlling with contact, so was actually with DP for 3 years till he mentioned i exisited and she met me on 4 occasions then refused to see me, fast forward a year and she saw me n DD for 10 mins a week but has said that seeing me is to upsetting.

DP and i try to give DD a happy life she is only 10 months but we live our lives around her. Thats on of the problems we dont mention anything around DD but once a fortnight on average it all comes to a haed.

I feel that DP would be better off if i wasn't in the picture. SD is completly isolated from his family. reason being when the ex withdrew contact 14 months ago, she refused to speak to his family (accused them of taking sides with us and so won't take sd to see them). DP only has contact once a fortnight for an hour. All i get from in-laws is how ill DP looks and how sad they are that they don't see one of their grandchildren. With MIL when we take DD she invetibly gets very upset that SD isnt there. This upsets me as 1) DD is there and sees this (2)she doesn't really make that much effort with other grandchildren (3)And she does say think how happy DP would be if he could see SD with out any of this trouble.

I am the problem - if i wasn't on the scene DP would be ok - unrestricted contact and none of the agro. Things between DP and I as a family with DD are good. But without DD things are falling apart fast.

[theredhen]

Sorry, if this sounds blunt, but if it wasn't you, it would be someone else and do you really think it would be any different?

DD doesn't want Dad to have anyone and this is, I suspect, drip fed to her by her Mother. I think you are taking this too personally.

[JandT]

You aren't the problem. If she was controlling with contact before she'd have found another problem! Your DP's family should be supporting their son and making the effort with the grandchild they do see.

As for your DP, I can see why you feel he would be ok but, he wouldn't. You're supporting him and trying to help him, plus you're giving him a happy normal family life. That's worth everything and it's all you can control.

I know what you mean about the once a fortnight thing. DSS used to stay with my IL's once a week or two (DH and he lived there when DH's first wife died so we wanted him to have some continuity) and there would always be a problem when he came back which would end up with me either ranting quietly or DH quietly seething. Am sure DSS knew and that made us feel worse. Stopped him staying over there and life got better but had to explain to him in the end what the problem was as he did start worrying. Talk about it when DD isn't there or is asleep and I promise you, you will talk about it less. MIL still has 'moments' but, DH and probably have those conversations once a month instead of week now!

[emjanedel]

MIL has 5 grandchildren. DP has 2 and SIL has 3. I know she only see SIL once or twice a month. She only see DD every couple of months. I just feel that everybody is blaming me and feel that if it was someone else they would have an easier time.

This just feels endless and im low. In a few weeks when we go back to court it may be clearer

[Trifle]

I've read your posts for a while now and feel that you need to step back and let your dp and his dd spend their time together without you. Your step daughter doesnt see her dad that often and quite understandably she wants to spend time with him and him alone. Your dd is nothing to do with her, regardless of whatever blood relation there is, as far as your sd is concerned, you are not her family. There is quite a large age gap between your child and your sd and the fantasy you have of your sd embracing her new baby sister is unlikely to ever happen.

I dont really see why you cant, for one day a fortnight, step out of the picture and let your dp spend the day with his daughter as he wishes.

Maybe in time as she gets older she will want to see you and play a part in your lives but at the moment she doesnt and I;m not entirely sure why you are getting so upset about it.

Your posts do tend to wallow in your own needs when you should be focusing on what is best for the sd and unfortunately, that doesnt include you.

[catsmother]

Haven't got much time to write but that's a very hard post Trifle. Is it really "best" for the SD that at the age of 11 she gets to call the shots and dictate/demand how her father behaves ? The OP isn't suggesting that he NEVER spends any one to one time with his older child, but wants (I suspect) some respect and recognition, and good old fashioned manners towards her as his partner, and maybe even more importantly - some sort of relationship between the two girls who are sisters ... and NOT "nothing to do with her".

Emj .... big sympathies. It's a horrid situation and entirely wrong a child this age is being given so much power. She should be being encouraged to see youy and DD - even if for only 30 mins if you "bump into" her at the park when she's with her dad say .... and if this induces hysteria, someone should be finding out why. Could well be that she's scared to form a relationship or even socialise if her mother disapproves for example. Not that hypothesising over it is going to make you feel any better as you're not made of stone.

[emjanedel]

I simply do not want SD picking DD up like toy when she feels she wants to. If SD doesn't want anything to do with DD now why should i we ever let her.

SD should accept that her dad has got a new family now. Both DP and I had to deal with a similar situation when we that age - i can't understand why she is so selfish. Even DP wants to cut down his contact with her. After all DD and i have to accept her.
The attitude we are taking is if in 7 weeks SD is still lying to try and get dad to herself than DP has told court he won't see her at all. She cannot be so manipulative.

[lateatwork]

oh... i think that's crossing the line a little emjanedel... for DP not to see DD at all and say this in court.

I have every sympathy with you and you are in a tricky situation- but no contact at all is a step too far.

An 11 year old shouldnt control the situation, but your DP really needs to find out why this is happening. It maybe that EX is influencing- but chances are you wont ever find that out. Can they get professional help on this point?

I have a less than brilliant relationship with my DBS... but its incredibly important to DP (and me) that DP has a relationship with him. This means that DP will OFTEN see DBS alone. I can cope for a weekend by myself with DD and dont resent the time DP spends with him... it takes some heat off the situation. Its tough and a blow to my (sometimes fragile) ego that DBS doesnt love me and want to spend time with me.. and yes ideally we would be one big happy family but its not like that with us.

DP should take these 7 weeks to take the time to find out why she is feeling like this. Build some bridges. Work on some positives. And you? you get to spend some 1-2-1 time with DD. Do something nice- trip to the park, swimming, time with friends- and forget about what the others are doing... bliss...

[ShirtyGerty]

I am in this exact same situation. My approach is that I don't take it personally. As another poster says, she would most likely be difficult about whoever your DP was with.

DH is also now firmer with SD about my place in his life although they do spend time together without me too - there is a balance to be struck.

As for the in-laws complaining, I let it wash over me unless its specifically linked to me in which case I remind them that it's their son's personal situation which has resulted in a divorce and a grandchild who is not around as often as they would like and not mine.

Your DP needs to improve his relationship with his DD and make it clear to her that he has chosen to spend his life with you and that she has to accept that. Although, I do think that regular time with just the two of them is a good idea.

[Trifle]

Your dp is a wimp. Even his ex is telling the daughter that she will have to have some dealings with you and your dd at some point but your dp is then saying no, if it makes her unhappy. Your dp should be reiterating that you, him and your dd are also part of her family. However, that said, things can still be taken slowly but there is no reason why your dp cant talk about you, tell his daughter what you have been up to, what your dd is now doing etc, ie, actively promoting you both as opposed to 'out of sight, out of mind'.

It's completely ridiculous that your dp is now saying he will not see her again or cut down contact. He only sees her one sunday per week, surely that is not too much for either of you to cope with.

I suspect he is getting it from both sides, from his daughter who doesnt want to acknowledge you and from you wanting inclusion in their relationship so now wants to run away and pretend it isnt happening. He needs to man up, you need to cut him some slack.

Back off a bit, let him see his dd every sunday without being made to feel guilty. You say you want to 'take your dd and get out of this situation'. What situation? You have a dp who had a family prior to meeting you which I assume you were fully aware of and he has obligations with respect to that. He needs to maintain a relationship with his daughter and seeing her once a week on his own is not too much to ask for I dont think.

[LunarRose]

Hmm... I'm also one for saying to DP go spend some time with DD we'll be here when she comes round.

your being able to give DSD the space and showing you'll still be around, might just be the break through you all need. She doesn't see you as the one taking her dad away and DP can wax lyrical on your virtues.

"If SD doesn't want anything to do with DD now why should i we ever let her. "

Because she's not ready yet and if you intending to be around for good you have the time for her to come round.

You are definitely not the problem but you can be the solution ( and then you'll have everyone onside )

[LunarRose]

p.s. agree with trifle you DP should definately be making it clear that whilst it is at her own pace you and dd are an important part of his life and aren't going to go away.

[Smum99]

Firstly I do feel for you - whilst it's easy for us to say don't take it personally it's harder in reality as you know you are being blamed and there is an implication that you're 'not nice, a person to avoid'.

I hope when your DP relays what SD says about you he gives you a big hug and tells you how wonderful you are and it's SD's loss. That is the reality - your SD either through manipulation, or deep insecurity is missing out a wonderful stage to bond with her step sibling. Can you imagine if this was a non step situation who would allow an 11 years to be able to avoid a new sibling because they were sensitive, insecure or jealous.It would be viewed as madness.

I know it's hard for you to have empathy with SD but please view her as an emotionally damaged little girl, who is not getting the right support at home. I've been in the situation where my dd has step siblings and I made sure she felt excited about their arrival, bought presents etc. Why wouldn't an emotional healthy child feel happy about a new baby? It wold be natural to have some feelings of jealousy but these should not be at the level your SD is exhibiting.

I totally understand why your DP thinks to cut contact - it is too painful and he can't find a way to fix it but I would recommend he carries on. All the adults around you need to recognise that you are not the problem - his daughter has emotional challenges which are absolutely not of your making. Maybe your DP has some responsibility as the parent but I would say the mum shares a greater burden since I'm sure there is more she could do to allevaite her daughter's concerns.

I think you need a mantra something along the lines of "I am an excellent mum, SD would be lucky to have me and DD in her life" I hope that at some stage she's feels more secure to open the door to you..Otherwise I fear that she will carry major issues when she hits the late teens.Trust me...kids all eventually work out which parent looked after their long term interests.

[emjanedel]

smum99 - your post hits everything in nutshell - i am going to go down your post:

1. I do feel like i am somekind of danger to children. ex made allegations which cafcass found to be untrue. But i am consioius around other children whose parents knoww whay has been said.
   
2. No DP just relays the information in conversation - i think he doesn't realise that hearing the man i love tell me how evil his daughter thinks i am does in fact hurt me.
   

3.I have tried to explain that if it was a natural sibling she would have to put up with it. CAFCASS put in their report that she was extremly indulged, an only child that was finding the tranistion hard.
4.DP is so frustrated as he feels like EX is preventing contact and believes he is only ever going to hit a brick wall.

I have done my best to encourage a relationship between SD and DD, sent cards, photos etc. I believe that the only way SD can accept us is if she spends time with us.
I desperatly feel sorry that she is missing out on DD, extended family. But her mum and dad are too scared of her. What i really want is some advice on how to formulate a plan to bring contact up. IE if we say this is going to happen, then this, then this. But i have no idea wat would be seen as reasonable by court, ex, dp and sd. Ne ideas grateful

[ConfessionsOfaFlask]

emjane-

DP has to make it clear it's the grown-ups who decide (always considering her feelings etc).

It does sounds like she is 'coached'. Has DP broached this issue with Cafcass/Judge ?

I don't know what else to say to all that- It baffles me that such powers are given to such a young person. I'm all for respecting the child's feeling but something is not right here.

I feel for you and hope for some sort of resolution at some point in the future. Keep posting.

[LittleMissStuffit]

I have replied to your other post but have recently name changed. This one's going to run and run, isn't it?

Think is, I think other posters are quite right. This is probably more her mother than the child... but it's a dysfunctional precedent to set. If you leave, then you are depriving yourself of your partner and your DD, her dad. This is horrendous. I think that you have no choice but to try, very hard, to get on in providing that happy home for your own child. If your sd doesn't want to see you or her step-sibling then so be it. For now. This little girl (sd) sounds disturbed and manipulative. Yes, we should listen the to needs of the child and work with them, but this kid has ALL THE POWER, HERE!

I feel very sorry for you, in this. Try to put yourself and your little girl first. Support your partner (he's gonna need it, big time) and just WALK AWAY (psychologically not physically) from this trauma, as much as you can.

And, Please, STOP feeling sorry for her.