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Step-parenting

he has children, I have one too! How will this work? Is there anybody doing it and making it work? Is it worth it??

38 replies

umma · 02/03/2011 16:42

Sorry if this has been covered before..just wanted some advice...nobody to ask in real life as all my friends are still happily married!

Anyway bit of background, new partner has 2 children from previous marriage, I have one child from previous marriage too. Both have our own houses, money, jobs etc...looking towards the future (and I do think there could be a future :)) how would it work?

Has anybody been in the same situation, did you move in together? Do you regret it or is it the best thing you ever did? All children involved see the other parent often. Thanks

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notremotelyintofootie · 02/03/2011 16:56

How old are the children and do they live with you / dp full time/ part time and what is the relationship with the ex's like?

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BooyFuckingHoo · 02/03/2011 17:00

how new is this relationship? is moving in together what he wants? you both need to sit down and talk about what it is you both want from this. if living togetehr is what you both want then you need to decide what will happen with the dcs. will they all live in teh same house, do they all get on, what about discipline? will he be allowed to discipline yours and you his? lots of talking needs to happen before anything can be decided upon. foremost in your mind should be your child and what is best for him/her.

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BooyFuckingHoo · 02/03/2011 17:01

and nothing needs to or should be rushed. it is absoloutely ok to be in a longterm committed relationship with someone and live separately.

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umma · 02/03/2011 17:16

ok thanks...mine is 4, his 6 and 7. Newish relationship....there is NO WAY I am rushing into anything, my first priority is my son and me!

Part of me would really love to live with him in the future, we have briefly spoken about it already. However, I understand that it is not going to be easy, I own my own house, I don't want to lose all that if it goes tits up (like my marriage did and he feels the same, have both been there!) I feel I need to protect myself and son, but I still feel that one day I would like to live with someone (him!) but would that mean I have to give up something and would it be a risk not worth taking.

Ex's are fine. Son lives with me most of the time, his stay often. I should add we are both being very sensible about this...I guess I just want to know the pit falls...but if it's something we both want could it work?

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theredhen · 02/03/2011 17:18

Yep, really wish I had stayed living apart although I do love my partner very much. Children bring a lot of issues / emotions to the surface and it is certainly a lot easier to live seperately when it comes to parenting, in my opinion.

Not to say, everyone is the same and it does depend on a lot of factors, some of which other posters have mentioned.

If you give us a bit more information, perhaps we can guide you from our relative experiences of similar situations.

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BooyFuckingHoo · 02/03/2011 17:22

it can work, but i think it is something that you will both need to take really slowly in order to find out if living together is workable for you two.

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BooyFuckingHoo · 02/03/2011 17:24

also, if you do decide to live together. do it on a trial basis to start with. one of you can let out your house while you live together, and never be afraid to say, "this isn't working i think we need to live separately."

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umma · 02/03/2011 17:25

Thanks...redhen why do you wish you'd stayed apart? :(

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umma · 02/03/2011 17:27

that's good idea booy, I guess we could both let our properties....

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umma · 02/03/2011 17:29

Also...(sorry to go) just because WE would like to live together is it fair for the children IYSWIM? This is hard, my ex is doing it..maybe I should ask him what it is like lol x

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BooyFuckingHoo · 02/03/2011 17:31

umma, how new is this relationship? you are thinking of the logistics of letting your property. it sounds liek you have already decided that moving in with him is where you are headed. why? why are you thinking so far ahead? why not just enjoy dating him, really properly getting to know him. why do you want to change your relationship from the romantic dates to the drudgery of splitting bills and domestic chores with him? you like him right? so why do you want to change it?

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Magicjamas · 02/03/2011 17:33

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umma · 02/03/2011 17:37

We've been together 6 months, I'm NOT rushing into anything but have thought about the future. Why? Beacause part of me still pines for that 'family' life

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umma · 02/03/2011 17:39

and I love him

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tokenwoman · 02/03/2011 17:39

I've lived apart for 7 years it does sort of work not without issues , great to have somewhere to stomp off to many arguments are mainly about children if you decide to live together best find new accommodation first. I moved 650 odd miles to be with him never put him before your own child
check out his parenting skill and if he shows any sign of Disney parenting run

welcome to our world

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Magicjamas · 02/03/2011 17:41

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umma · 02/03/2011 17:45

What is Disney parenting?

We are all normal, responsible adults! (I think)

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BooyFuckingHoo · 02/03/2011 17:46

ok, pining for family life does not mean that this guy is the right one to do it with. just because an offer is on the table, it doesn't mean it's the right one for you. so take it slow. get to know him really well, learn his bad habits, his temper, his moods, watch how he gets when he is stressed, find out what stresses him, where his breaking point is, how does he react when he breaks, who does he lash out at etc? know all this and more before you bring him into your child's home. and you can love him and still live in a different house.

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Magicjamas · 02/03/2011 17:49

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BooyFuckingHoo · 02/03/2011 17:50

thats great advice magic.

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ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 02/03/2011 17:51

6m is very new to be brutal. I was just about to suggest a few holidays. With children involved I would look at moving forward around the 2 y mark. :)

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umma · 02/03/2011 17:52

Yes, I understand that I really do. I would NEVER put a man before my son or my feelings or happiness either. I AM enjoying dating him. it's bloody fantastic! :) However I don't always want to 'date' him I would like more (with someone, doesn't have to mean him, like you say I may change my mind)...I don't think that is very wrong.

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Magicjamas · 02/03/2011 17:52

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umma · 02/03/2011 17:53

Holiday is very good idea

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BooyFuckingHoo · 02/03/2011 18:00

i was thinking 2 year mark aswell lemonade.

i don't think you are wrong either umma, i am just trying to put a little bit of that nasty old reality on the table. i know how patronising it sounds be 6 months really is early on and still in the rose tinted spectacles stage. i know relationships should be all about the romance and being together all teh time but when you have dcs you have to think practically. romance is lovely, it's great, i love it. but i am mum first, always and any decision i make about a relationship will be made on the basis that my son benefits from the decision. take it slowly and break your decisions down into small steps. there is nothing to be lost from waiting. nothing at all.

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