in a difficult situation

[barmygirl]

Hi all
I'm new here and feel a bit of a fraud as am not a mother at all. However, I do have a DP who has a 6 yr old DD. I met her for the first time 2 years ago and we generally get on OK and mostly things work well.
The problem I have is that it's never been explained to her properly who I actually am. She thinks I'm just her dad's friend/flatmate.
She stays for weekends regularly - at one point it was every weekend, but now it's alt weekends. Her dad dotes on her and obv wants to be the best dad ever - and he is - but the prob i have is that I find the whole situation incredibly difficult and I'm not entirely sure he understands. (natural, really). He naturally doesn't want his DD to be upset and wants to judge when to tell her what's actually going on (i think she's kind of guessed to be honest, but doesn't talk about it) I understand this, too, but I do also feel a bit as though somehow what I feel or would like don't count at all. I feel very sidelined.

I often feel that they gang up a little on me (I'm ENglish and they're Scottish and this is really becoming an issue for me because they seem to find it hilarious to go on about how scotland is brilliant and england is rubbish. My DP says it's all lighthearted, but it upsets me. The mum also hates me and it took ages for her to let her DD even spend any time with me (I completely understand this and kept my distance until things were worked out), however the ex's feelings towards me seem to be ever changing.

The dsd is often lovely to me but sometimes when her dad is out of earshot will say things that upset me...she is only 6, so I have to let them go, but it's really difficult sometimes to deal with it. I have to keep remembering that I'm supposed to be an adult, but it gets v hard!!

I feel very much that I have no say in anything that happens and am essentially completely powerless and way down on the list. I cook for them when the DD comes over, often buy the food for teas, clean up after them both - and DP does encourage her to say thanks etc, but I do still feel v much like a dogsbody for them both and yet I am basically just 'a friend.'

My DP does have a lovely relationship with his DD and I obviously want to support them both and do try, but sometimes it all gets over whelming. Particularly as my dad left us when I was 13 (now estranged from him) and put his wife first over my bro and I. I think having the DSD here brings back all those feelings and so I'm dealing with the past as well as the present.

I've talked to my DP about this and try to be grown up about it and I recognise that I am jealous of their relationship and try not to let it come out in anyway, but basically it often gets too much and I end up behaving in a really childish way out of frustration and end up hating myself for the ridiculous behaviour! I'm supposed to be a grown up!

One positive thing is that I now have huge admiration for my step dad who took us on at an early age and has been there for us always and been brilliant!

apologies for the rambling. It's just that I'm finding it all v difficult

[Doodlez]

It's time she was told. It's ridiculous to try and 'hide' your relationship - it's saving the child from nothing! It's also wrong to lie to her.

The Scottish/English thing is totally disrespectful and breeding intolerance.

In fact, your partner sounds like he has very little respect for you at all.

He needs a kick up the arse.

Fast.

[roxron]

The little girl is only 6 years old and so totally innocent - I have had to deal with stepchildren from very small to adult and comparing the very small children and their comments - which are probably purely learned or heard from adults has to be totally understood - she is only a little girl and copies what she's heard - please don't be cross with her. This is all about adults and their way of dealing with things. This situation when the children involved are not yours is very hard and there's no getting away from it. You have to go in with your eyes and mind open. I have been in the situation when you feel jealous of the relationship between the child and parent - but you must see it as something so totally different to your relationship with your DP. Also I would think this Scottish/English thing is just about your DP trying to be kind of fun - although it is rather silly and not the best example for a child - but probably he doesn't mean to be offensive - he is just trying to be the funny, popular dad. Maybe a civilised chat might help - no promises as these dads can get very defensive. It's a long, hard road but can be achievable with a small child of six. It's a lot harder with the older/adult ones - believe me. Good Luck :)

[barmygirl]

Hi doodlez and roxron, thanks for your comments! Really appreciated. :)

Most (99%) of the time I get on really well with DSD and we do generally have fun, but sometimes it does get too much (we live in a v small flat, too). I often tend to go out if I'm feeling stressed by it all and do things by myself as I find that helps and then when I come back I'm fine again. It's just when DP says things like 'I think barmygirl's in a bad mood, what do you think DD?' and she'll watch me really closely and go 'oh yes, definitely' and then i just feel ganged up on and left out, which really irritates me and makes it worse! I wish I could lighten up a bit more and just not let it get to me...

I totally appreciate the difficult situation DP's in as well - he really wants everything to work out and is a really good dad.

I think perhaps a lot of the issues that hit me are the residual issues from my own childhood as it was only after I saw the two of them together that it really hit home how rubbish the relationship is I have/had with my father. Also not having my own child compounds that - my family lives at the other end of the country, too, so I never really see them.

I think it's all a combo of everything and it all gets a bit much sometimes!! sigh

[roxron]

I know - I'm sitting here at the moment in my home - all I want to do is relax and watch grown-up TV but it's being dominated by the Simpsons, which I hate and these stepkids are in their late 20's help!!!!!!!! and like you barmygirl with a sigh and more sighs - I'm off to bed to read a grown-up book!!!! PS DH is too nice too say anything - you get mad but used to it......

[LaDolceRyVita]

Firstly, I think you're brave to voice these worries. They're often judged harshly here on MN.

I think as you say, there are residual difficulties from childhood and now, being in this position with your partner and his daughter, it brings the whole thing back to you.

The English/Scottish thing, is his way of joking and pretend "siding/bonding" with his DD. Try and see that for the silliness it is. Not having your own family about is hard because they can reinforce our sense of self and confidence (though sometimes not!) and having a child of your own might make things OK for the simple reason that, you would understand that overwhelming love a parent has for their child. I'm not suggesting you don't know that, but feeling it, absolutely, is something else.

It's hard when life situations hold up a mirror to our own experience. It's hard not to look. My partner is a terrific dad to his kids; they are stable and well adjusted and worldly and come from an entirely other place from the childhood/adolescence I experienced. My dad was a crap parent; my mum was utterly neurotic and though I love her dearly, she was not a good mother. As an adult I made mistakes in relationships and life generally which I can now acknowledge came from my utter lack of self worth.

You could get some counselling; chat to a good friend; tell your partner how his relationship with his DD makes you feel....any of the above really but, get it out in the open and then leave it in the past. Do you have time for yourself? A group of friends/hobby anything that's JUST for you? Maybe that might help? You have a chance to be part of this "family", maybe have your own child together in the future? If you really love him, concentrate on that.

P.S Don't be a mug though! You ought not to be "dogsbodying" after the pair of them!

[glasscompletelybroken]

barmygirl I read your post yesterday and was going to reply straight away but was having a bad day myself and didn't want my response to be too negative.

So this is my next day, calm response!

My DH is the most wonderful man I have ever met. He is loving, kind, will do anything for anyone and has the patience of a saint. We have been together for nearly 5 years.

He is, however, totally mystified that I would expect him to consult me over changes to the schedule with his DC's. I have tried to explain to him that it affects me as I am cooking for them, cleaning up after them, making their packed lunches and otherwise being the invisible woman while they are here. Every time we have that conversation I end up feeling like I am in the wrong because he genuinly doesn't get it. When his DC's are here I am very much in the background, bottom of the list and have very little say in anything at all. I have come to the conclusion that this will never change and that the only way for this to work is for me to accept that this is how it is. I don't find this easy - yesterday was bad - but I am sure now that I have to work on this and become more accepting in order for this whole step-family to work.

From reading many posts on this forum I know I am definately not alone.

You have other issues around keeping your true relationship from your DP's DD but from my experience, and from reading many posts on this forum, I think a lot of the issues to do with feeling left out would be there anyway - it's the lot of a step-mother to feel like a less-equal member of the family.

[barmygirl]

thanks guys.

It is v tricky balancing all these things, isn't it?

Generally, I can deal with them well (or mostly ok) but I think sometimes it just gets a bit overwhelming.

There are loads of other painful issues in this situation that I don't really want to go into on here - from my past and DP's past - which I think massively contribute to how I've been feeling and the way the situation pans out. But both of us are generally very self-reflective so do talk about the situation and try and resolve things. Not always easy though! I do really want to support him with his DD. He normally comes across as quite a tough, manly person, but misses her loads and is in tears talking about her and it breaks my heart! She seems pretty well adjusted given the whole situation and has a brilliant relationship with her dad; they are massively alike.

I also do try and look after myself and can take myself away from the situation, give them the space they need, relax and then come back and join in, it's just occasionally it doesn't work as well as it might!

I think I'd just had a bad weekend last week and posted up things here because I needed to vent a bit!

I'll just keep persevering and trying to maintain a level head and when it gets too much, I can come on here and see that at least it's not just me!! It isn't nice to be bottom of the list, is it, even though you know that there is v good reason for it.
Ah well. Onwards!

Thanks again, guys

[Tootingbec]

Hello Barmygirl. Just wanted to add to the other posts about my experience as a stepmum to a DSD (I also have children with my DH). The feelings you describe are very similar to how I used to feel and occassionally still feel. I met my DSD when she was about 5 yrs old. I found the closeness between my DH and DSD lovely but it would also make me feel like a third wheel. I too used to act somewhat childishly which I hated myself for doing. What got on my nerves the most was that when my DSD was here, it was all about her and my DH's routines and preferences and I felt like I was a lodger!

Things are very different now as I am mum to her siblings (we don't make reference to them being "half" siblings!) and I feel much more in control of what goes on in the house when my DSD is here. I explained to my DH that I needed to assert some of my routines and "rituals" on us so that it felt like our home and family and not just about the 2 of them with me sort of tagging along.

It has taken time to bed in and definitely got easier since I've had my own children, but slowly slowly, I feel like it is more about us, rather than "them". But don't get me wrong, I sometimes want to yell with frustration at it all, but not half as much as I used to! I too also have a pinch point when I feel the two of them are "ganging up" on me, even if it is in a joking way.

BTW, 6 years old is perfectly old enough to understand that you are your DP's girlfriend - as others have said, you need to get your DP to sort this one out!