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Step-parenting

Boundaries between birth mother and step mother/girlfriend

5 replies

MykleeneAss · 28/02/2011 18:27

Could I ask some advice before I get something wrong, please?

I'm not yet in a relationship with this person but I'm thinking about it, and I think he is too.

He has children as do I. I'm the main parent in my children's lives so it's not quite the same as his situation, where parenting is shared equally and amicably.

I don't really know their mum but we have mutual friends through school; she seems lovely. We have exchanged a few very brief words, in a nice way, but I don't know what's appropriate.

Obviously at the moment nothing's happened so it's not quite an issue yet, but I'm not sure how much I should be getting to know her, or whether I ought to keep it all very separate?

For instance her children and their dad were with us socially yesterday, so today at school her dd approached me and said 'Boo!' so I said hello, and thankyou for the lovely drawing (from yesterday). The mum was nearby talking to someone else, but when she looked over and saw us, I smiled and said what a great picture her dd had drawn yesterday, (assuming she knew they had been here) and she said yes, and we had a very quick exchange about that. It was Ok I think. But I came away worrying about it, as in should I have said that, will she feel threatened that I get on with her dd, will she think I am trying to sound important or something...I was just trying to break down any embarrassment really and let her know I was friendly (as opposed to not speaking to her while 'chasing' her ex, or something?)

I also really don't want to worry her or try to become their mum, or anything. I hope that makes sense.

I just don't know how best to handle it given that her relationship with the children's dad is more important than mine, certainly at the moment and possibly if or when we started seeing each other, too, purely because they share children.

How would you go about it without getting it all wrong? I'm sure she knows they were here, because she called during the visit and he wandered off to speak to her.

It feels a bit weird having a 3 way dynamic so I hope someone has experience of this and can advise Smile

OP posts:
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Laulalou · 28/02/2011 23:28

Have no experience to offer you, but it sounds like you should be a 'normal' as possible ... playground etiquette and step parenting are minefields. I think the more natural you leave things then the easier it will be - good luck though. I hope things work out xx

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IngridBergmann · 01/03/2011 07:04

Thankyou very much for replying, it was really nice of you.

I suppose I'll just have to wing it Smile

It seems like whatever I do it could be construed as wrong, if people want to see it that way - I just hope they don't.

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LaDolceRyVita · 02/03/2011 09:28

I think you're maybe (at this early stage) thinking too deeply about all of this. You have a roundabout "school gates" relationship with the mum. That's normal and ought not to change because you're "thinking" of entering a relationship with her ex.

They sound like grown ups. So are you. You sound lovely, by the way, I'm not criticising your concerns for the "possible" future!

My DH's ex and I rattle around the same small market town and never speak. She ended their marriage with her affair and behaves like the "wronged and abandoned" woman because he met and then married me and moved on with his life. I should say, we met some 4 years after her affair....it in no way involved me! They're estranged in such a way that I can't imagine we'll be able to attend his kids' graduation/future weddings etc and it's ridiculous!!

I wish you luck for the future and hope things can stay this "simple" for you.

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elastamum · 02/03/2011 23:07

Hi, dont assume their mum (pls dont use birth mum - not a nice term) has an axe to grind. I have no problems at all with my exes new wife and cant understand what all the fuss is about. She has kids, she has married my ex, there is no real reson why we shouldnt get on. Surprisingly, she is a lot more nervous of me, but then I dont know what she has been told. But not all mums have an axe to grind with their exes new relationships.

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Mummynumber2 · 03/03/2011 11:55

I've always got on pretty well with my DSC's mum. But yes, it can feel very awkward at times, especially when Dp hasn't been getting on well with her. In fact there was a time a couple of years ago when it was much easier for me to collect DSC's from her house than DP, as they were likely to argue! I don't see her very often, usually on the doorstep or at school plays etc. but we are always polite to each other and keep the chat about the DSC's, the weather etc. nothing too deep!

I think you're doing the right thing, not avoiding her and being pleasant. It sounds like you're going to make a great step mum btw.

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