CSA - who should we pay?

[WkdSM]

Long story short, DH's ExW has gone to the CSA after the court order agreed 14 years ago expired to get higher payments (agreement was all payments would stop at 17 whether they were at school or not).
Despite the court order being agreed by all parties that payments would stop when SS's 17, CSA has over ridden this and awarded ExW nearly £800 a month.

DH and I took deep breath and then decided not to let it get us down and that it was only for 18 months so would just pay it and then forget about her (not SS obviously).

DH has spoken to SS today to tell him how much we are paying - really to let him know that any extras he wants will have to come from Mum out of his maintenance. He has told DH that he has not been getting on with Mum and is actually living with girlfriends parents 3 or 4 nights a week and has been doing so for the last 3 months. He has not got a good relationship with his stepdad and lived with us for 3 years following massive arguements with his Mum. He says he wants to stop doing A levels and get a job, but ExW has told him he can't. Cynic in me says this is because maintenance payments would stop.

So - do we go back to CSA and tell them he is not resident full time at ExW - should part of his maintenance go to his girlfriends parents?

Nothing on CSA website really covers this. Anyone come across it.

Posted here as don't really want a whole load of abuse about dodging maintenance payments - DH has always paid on the dot - it just seems unfair to SS and those providing him with food and shelter. We live 3 hours away so he could not move back with us without loosing all his friends etc.

[Snorbs]

I don't think the CSA would care a jot about this situation to be honest. You can always ask the CSA about it as a hypothetical question but they only really deal with the distinction between parents with care and non-resident parents, and they make that distinction based on who gets the Child Benefit.

If SS's girlfriend's parents applied for, and got, Child Benefit for SS (which, if he's spending so much time at their place they conceivably could do) then the CSA would direct payments to them.

Presumably SS's girlfriend's parents have some sort of knowledge of SS's mum so if they feel like they're getting stiffed on the deal they can bring it up with her.

Is there sufficient contact between your DH and his exW for him to suggest he pays at least some of the maintenance direct to SS?

[Abip]

Definately contact CSA. If he is spending 3-4 noghts per week away from home they will recalculate the payments due to how many nights he does actually stay at his mums.

If she argues ask to simply give dss an allowance directly rather than give it to her.

[redfairy]

Maybe rather than thinking about this as an issue of money you could consider the welfare of DSS. At 17 he should not be spending 3-4 nights under GF's roof and maybe ExW is trying hard to get him home and encourage him to do his studies.
I speak as the 'bio' parent of a now 21 year old son who at 17 flitted between college and work, my house and a friends flat, trying to look out for his best interest and maintain a good relationshiop with him as well as trying to guard my fluctuating imcome with each of his changing plans. I know some support from his father would have been really appreciated.

[WkdSM]

RedFairy - it is more that we feel the money should be paid to whoever is providing a bed and food for him - you know how 17 year olds eat!

Speaking to him further, he is very unhappy at the moment. He does not like college and therefore is not really working hard (his words) and thinks he will get bad marks in his exams. His Mum has told him that if he leaves college she will throw him out. She has thrown him out before (literally at 10 years old packed a bag and drove him to the entrance to the estate and left him there - at 10.30pm). His stepdad is (according to SS) making things as awkward and difficult as possible.

He is being very evasive about the girlfriends address - I don't think he wants us to make contact with her parents. He says he is helping round the house as they won't take any money.

he is obviously a very troubled lad - when he was with us he was referred to the Youth Mental Health Team by the GP as he had quite major issues - but ExW has not continued this sort of support when he moved back to her (to be near friends again) and I have an awful feeling that something big is brewing again.

DH says he will contact CSA today just so they have something on record in case it all blows up.

[Smum99]

Oh, I feel this is a welfare issue firstly, your dh must be worried. Seems like you need to come up with a proper 'home' solution for you SS and then the money follows him. Do you see your SS on a regular basis? Does his mum contribute to him? Does he get an allowance from her?

I would suggest you travel to see him, find out what is happening for him, can you speak to his college, work out what are the best options for him. He's fortunate in that there are sufficient resources for him, the CM would pay for a private school if he needs more focused education.

On the money-side - I wonder is a solictor could help - i.e would the CSA act if they had an affidavit from the g/f family saying he lives with them mostly.

[redfairy]

Seems a bigger problem then I initially thought. You really need to find out what his plans are...dropping out of college and dossing at the girlfriends should not be one of them. I can't help feeling that no matter how well meaning GF's parents they are enabling SS to put off making any decisions.
As Smum99 says there are lots more questions to be asked...but if at all possible showing a united front from all parents would certainly help SS focus on his next move and make things clearer maintenance wise for yourselves.

[WkdSM]

Um, united with his mother? I really don't think so. She is one of the nightmare ex's (physically threatens me, has hit and bruised DH, has refused access, has managed elder son out of house when maintenance payments stopped, did not attempt to contact SS for 8 months when he lived with us, plus all the usual that we hear about on here).
SS went to boarding school for 2 years but choose not to take advantage of the opportunity offered.

He does not see us regularly partially because he finds the trip by coach 'boring' - and we are not driving 6 hours to pick him up and 6 hours to drop him off each weekend. Partially because he is a teenager and wants to be with his friends, and partially because when he lived with us we had major issues with him that included stealing my underwear and wanking into it. Whilst watching underage porn. Our relationship is fine at a distance and I want the best for him but as you can imagine I am not particularly comfortable with him in the house.

Ever tried to influence a teenager from a distance - not easy. We are taking to him but he does have flights of fantasy and we are not sure what to believe some of the time.

CSA have made a note and have just told us to let them know if anything changes.

[redfairy]

I know its hard enough to try to influence them when they are with you so it must be incredibly difficult for you both especially when the EX is so set against co-operating and SS obviously has many more issues to deal with.
Seeing as EXW has said she will chuck him out if he leaves college it seems he is intent on leaving anyway.
As soon as his education stops you will no longer be expected to pay maintenance and from what you say that wont be far away although it makes you wonder who he will turn to when he has to provide for himself. I'm sure the goodwill of the GF's parents won't be limitless.
A very sad situation all round for all of you.
Good Luck!

[ChocHobNob]

CSA won't do anything unless the GFs parents are in receipt of the child benefit for him unfortunately.

[WinterLover]

Could you not ring CB and advise them that SS is no longer living with exW??