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Step-parenting

I'm not sure I can do this anymore! :(

7 replies

aPixieMomma · 27/02/2011 20:20

And I just don't know what to do.

Dss is 9yrs old. His mum and dad split up 6yrs ago. Dp and I have been together for 3yrs and have 2 sons together.

Dp saw his son every other weekend and school holidays when he and his wife divorced but she stopped all contact when she found out about me.

Through lots of mediation, cafcass reports and court hearings, dp finally got his access back.

We had already decided that dp would continue seeing his ds without me for 6months so Dss could get used of the fact that I was around with his dp talking about me etc so by the time I met Dss he was fully aware of who I was etc.

The ex is a nightmare to say the least. She will stop access at the drop of the hat for reasons such as we won't pay her gas bill or some such. Due to this it was a lot longer than 6months before I met Dss and by that time my ds1 was 15months old and I was 7months pregnant with ds2.

Anyway, Dss came to stay the first time for a whole week. I wanted him to feel comfortable here and has we only have a two bed flat (at the moment) I moved ds1 out of his room into our's so Dss could have his own space. Also as well as getting him used to the new set up with his dad's new family, we made sure that dp got to take Dss out on his own for boys day out etc at least twice whilst he is here.

Now due to Dss being an only child for 8yrs, I knew it would take him time to adjust to the situation and I was willing to give him all the time he needed and to make him feel as comfortable as possible whilst he was here.

That was the first mistake. We let him watch whatever on tv, play the xbox whenever he wanted, let him go to bed when he wanted etc etc.

But now, because of this first visit, he thinks the xbox belongs to him and when he gets told that it's a family console he sulks. He hates letting ds1 into ds1's own room to play with ds1's own toys during the day even though we have explained that this situation is only for a while and we will soon have a 3bed house where Dss will have his completely own room but he sulks about letting ds1 into play. If we are not doing something he wants to do he whines and complains he's bored all the time even though the day before he and his dad went on a boys day out doing zip wires and quad biking etc. He will never eat what I've cooked because "it's not the way his mum does it" which then means we are wasting money we haven't got on take-sways the whole time he is here. He completely refuses to touch/use anything that is ds1's. For instance he ran out of shower gel and when I told him to use ds1's he pulled a face and complained until we found him something else to use, won't use our toothpaste because ds1 uses it (his dad has a different toothpaste to ds1 and me) When I propped my 5month old ds2 on the sofa for 2 seconds this weekend, he decided to roll over and briefly touched Dss and Dss jumped up quicker than I've ever seen and went "ewww" like he was going to catch something.

After playing xbox all day yesterday, I asked if I could watch a programme at 10pm. We got into a conversation about how it was my turn to have the remote now and he replied with "you can have it when I go home"

I have tried to be patient, really I have. I know he gets bored with two babies around so I even got my younger brother who is an xbox fan as well to spend the weekend here so Dss would have someone to play xbox with, I try to get him involved with stuff, asking if he wants to bake a cake with me or make dinner for us (he likes cooking apparently) but I get met with a grunt and not even a sideways glance.

This week ds1 had an awful ear infection so as you can imagine as been particularly grumpy. When dp was taking Dss home today he told his dad that "he doesn't want to stay with us anymore because he can't stand ds1's crying"

Dp is of course very hurt, I just don't know what else I can do to make Dss feel comfortable here and get used to the fact that his dad has two other children now and he won't get the individual attention he got before even though we do try to make time for that with boys day out as described above.

Dss really is a lovely boy just not to me or my son's and as much as I love dp I just don't see how I can carry on if Dss isn't going to at least make a bit of effort to get to know me or his half brothers.

What do I do? I'm just so confused now.

OP posts:
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prettyfly1 · 27/02/2011 20:58

Right for a start talk to your dp. He is part of the family and treating him any differently, just accents him "not being part of the family". Your dp should NOT allow him to talk to you like that, he should NOT be up at ten pm and he should NOT be on the xbox all day. If he is horrid to his brothers he needs to apologise or get a time out, and your partner should be sorting this, not you.

You made a mistake in giving him too much but it isnt too late to change it. Stop the takeaways, stop pandering too him and make sure your dp treats him in the way he treats your other kids, period.

Dont try to be his parent - you arent and he will resent him, but let him know you ARE an adult, it IS your house and he WILL treat you with respect in it is entirely fair. Take a deep breath, grab some wine and chill.

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prettyfly1 · 27/02/2011 20:58

it not him - sorry

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prettyfly1 · 27/02/2011 21:00

ps - on a softer note, he has been through a really hard time and its still early days. I know how shitty it feels but give it time - itll get better.

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NHAN · 27/02/2011 21:32

It sounds like he has been given far too much and you both as the adults need to take back the control. I'm sorry but I think you might be trying a too hard, you've done a lot to make him feel welcome so maybe just sit back and let him get used to things.
I also have a 9 yr old stepson who can be a complete nightmare, he is selfish, moans when he can't have his own way, if things are not about him for 5 mins he complains constantly etc etc and he will only eat what he wants to eat. We have noticed though that he gets his own way a lot at home if he complains enough, he also only has to eat food he likes so is used to getting his own way there too.
We co 11 yr old step daughter is much easier most of the time.
As your children get older it will become more difficult if he can't fit into your household.
Maybe allow him 2 hours screen time per day, so tv, xbox, computer, spread throughout the day. After this it is someone elses turn. This is what we do, although some days its only 1 hr. I often politely point out he is here to spend time with his dad and us not play games or watch tv and that shuts him up.
I would make it clear what the rules are in your house, maybe write them down so if he breaks one he can see for himself.
Also make it very clear what is his time with his dad and what is family time so he gets used to it.
Now that my son is 3 my SS enjoys playing with him which makes things easier, although we're sue number 2 in August so dreading what he will be like then.
I've felt like leaving many times because of SS but im not giving everything up just because every other weekend is hell.

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Littlebirdlost · 27/02/2011 22:25

Oh Pixie- my heart goes out to you. It sounds like a very difficult situation and prettyfly and NHAN make very good points- you have to regain some ground and take back some control as you're going to be setting the tone for how things go from here and your relationship with your DSS for years to come.

A tricky 8 year old will turn into a nightmare of a teenager so it needs to be dealt with swiftly and sensitively. DP needs to take ownership of the situation and have a quiet word with his DS about ground rules- you shouldn't have to put up with this behaviour and nor should your little ones feel there are different rules for them and their half brother.


I have a lot of empathy with your situation. I sometimes feel like a stranger in my own home not to mention a 'cook to order' chef because of all the compromise that goes on for my dss. Something that has helped my situation a lot is me giving fair warning e.g. "dinner is at this time, we're having this".... "at 9.00pm I'm turning the TV over"...."In an hour we're going to the Supermarket" etc. It doesn't stop all the moaning but it does reduce it because it gives him the chance to get used to the idea and shows him that sharing and taking turns is non-negotiable in our house.

Chin up and I really hope you find a way through this x

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MmaIvvy · 27/02/2011 22:33

Have to agree, sounds like he needs to be disciplined. He is 9 years old and needs to be treated as such, with a routine, bedtime and consequences to his actions. My ss now lives with us since his mother passed away, but before that we still treated him exactly like our dd's even if that meant he spent half the weekend sat on the stairs in time outs! I'm sure he moaned no end about me and didn't want to come but it only took a few trips before he realised how we do things in our house and that if he behaved he actually got some good treats (cinema, days out, pizza). Just make sure DH backs you up so you're not the evil stepmum and that you let them have time together so he can see you respect that he has his own relationship with his Dad that you are not trying to get inbetween.
I don't know what you do regards the other children, but I have always involved SS by getting him to do things/fetch toys for his sisters or always talking to baby in front of him, saying 'isn't your big brother so funny' etc. Sounds lame but I need to reinforce their relationships as much as possible.

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MmaIvvy · 27/02/2011 22:37

Oh and don't forget, it is very unlikely that he is an angel at home with his Mum and just saves it all for you. He may say he likes his Mum's cooking but it's probably just to make a point with you, she probably spends half her time telling him to finish his veg or eat what is given to him. I expect he wants to test what he can get away with at your house.

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