girlfriend meeting kids for first time

[blondie1971]

hi there, i dont have any children myself but next weekend am meeting my boyfriend's son - who is 10. i have no children of my own and dont have brothers or sisters with kids and am quite frankly petrified i will do or say something wrong - or not be able to say anything at all, through fear. i hope others on here will have introduced children of a similar age to partners and be able to give some advice - it's not a case of it being too soon for me in the relationship - just that i have so little experience with children of that age and know it is a big thing for us all - i am very shy anyway even meeting new adults so the whole "be yourself" thing would not work for me anyway - tumbleweed rolling across the floor anyone? my partner and i are very serious about each other and i know what a fantatic father he is - i want to make them both happy - i dont want to be a second mum - just want his son to not resent me as his dad hasnt had a relationship in a long time and dont want him to be scared i am muscling in. i really hope you can give me some advice

[theredhen]

I suppose I would suggest letting your partner taking the lead. Don't try too hard.

Also, where is the meeting taking place? I think it's better to be "out" doing an activity, bowling, cinema, even the park to give you all something to be distracted by. Less likely to experience the tumbleweed then.

[redfairy]

I think not being in your partners home as REDHEN suggests is a good idea. You're not imposing on the child's turf then. And keep the meeting short-ish for the first time- even a short time together will probably be stressful for all involved. You can then build on this on further meetings.

[blondie1971]

hi - thanks for this. i was thinking along similar lines - they both do motor cycling things and i thought i could go along and cheer from the sidelines and keep everything brief whilst they are in an environment they both love and will be distracted and happy - fella however is on about his son staying over that wknd - i have said i can stay with friends and him just be with his son and me visit - but he is desperate for us all to be together that wknd and for his son (who he adores) and me (who he adores in a different way) to all have a blast. i know he means well but - i am worried it will backfire and have tried to say but i think he thinks its just because i dont have kids and am nervous - which i am - but i can also see the potential for disaster - this is my girlfriend - this is my son - you must get on as i love you both so much - does that make sense?

[theredhen]

Yes, that makes sense and I think he is being a bit unrealistic. Obviously he loves his son, it doesn't mean anyone else will.

Don't let him force you, if you don't feel ready. One step at a time. I think you are being very wise.

[Littlebirdlost]

Hi Blondie,

I can really relate to those nerves- I met my ss when he was about 10. Before that first meeting I got a great piece of advice from a friend who happens to be a single mum of a boy of the same age: ?let him come to you?. I.e. you don?t have to turn up and be the coolest, chattiest and most fun girl on the planet- if you?re a bit shy, then that?s you and that?s fine. You?ll both need time to suss each other out and that will happen over time, not immediately. You sound like a lovely girl with everybody?s best interests at heart but don?t forget yourself :)

Redhen is right- don?t be forced into anything by your fella because he wants to start establishing you guys in his little unit. It shouldn?t come as a big surprise to him that this needs to be a step by step process and if that means you don?t stay the whole weekend then so be it.

Keep things at a pace you?re comfortable with and be aware you are setting the tone for how things will go from here. Please don?t be bulldozed by what you think you ?should? do at this early stage as it gives you little room for manoeuvre down the line.

I really hope it goes well- the first 5 minutes are the worst for jitters but I?m sure you?ll do absolutely great.

Let us know how you get on x

[blondie1971]

what a difference a day makes. fella has now admitted his ex (son's mother) has put the hatchet job into me with their son since she found out about me in jan - despite the fact i live hours and hours away and she has no knowledge of me. and he wants his son to meet me to get to know me and like me, as son has gone from apparently being happy his dad has a girlfriend to clearly being insecure (which i totally understand) about it all.

hmmmm - if i felt unsure before...

fella is saying he has 3 weeks til i come down for him to try and talk to his son about it all - to be honest if son was still unhappy then i know fella would never force the issue - but am concerned son will go along with it to make dad happy but then hate me anyway

i will not be the subject of anyone's point scoring, particularly when there are children involved - and have said as much to other half - i am not ready to be the wicked step mother

fella saying he has the right to a life as well and that at some stage the son is going to meet me anyway, but i think he is being very naive (even tough i know it is with the best of intentions)- and i welcome his honesty (about the ex and his son's fairly sudden negative feelings about me)

why do some people (women and men) use their kids like this to ruin things?

[blondie1971]

have cried all day - the atmosphere between fella and ex clearly more toxic than i thought and dont think its fair on the son for me to be involved so have left them to it - they can fight each other without using me and the son as pawns

didnt think this step parenting would be easy but doing the right thing and stopping it before it even started (with the son anyway, the dad and me were in love)is harder - i love my fella but wont do anything to upset his son or jeapordise their relationship

i feel it's the right thing to do but feel it is so unfair too

ah well

[theredhen]

Dont try to take on too much responsibility for all this. Far too soon. Your rtner is right about the child not calling the shots but that doesnt mean tchilds wishes should be ignored completely

[aurorastargazer]

hello blondie fwiw i was in similar situation to you, although i have dd, dp's son is about the same age as your fella's son.

i would agree that please don't get yourself upset (easier said than done, i know) and let him coem to you.

the son woudl be feeling very confused with what his mother has apparently been saying but don't let that ruin your relationship with your fella and just be relaxed and normal when you do meet his son. be friendly but not over-familiar and things should be fine. could you try playing crazy-golf - it worked for us

[NanaNina]

Blondie - think you are getting some great advice here and hope it helps. I am a stepmother but kidds are now grown with kids of their own but their mom "put the poison" down about me. I sort of knew this but never ever ran their mom down or got into any talk about this, and neither did DP. As others are saying, just take it steady the first time and keep it brief, be smiley but don't make too much effort. The poor child probably thinks you are a witch, so leave your broomstick behind!

Kids have a way as they grow of sussing things out for themselves without you having to do anything. Poor kid will be going through it though becayse no doubt mom will cross examine him when he gets home and he won't know what to say for the best. Maybe his dad could talk to him about this if it becomes a problem.

I think you will be great, because the very fact that you are wanting to do it right is a great start. Just a little word of warning, step-parenting is often very difficult so don't be surprised at any feelings that arise in you.

[MmaIvvy]

Do you mean you have ended your relationship with his Dad? My goodness don't do that over some jealous ex. My DH's ex hated me (all the way from Germany!) and even moved to England because of it and to try and get him back, but I just ignored her nonsense and let DH argue with her. I met SS and his half sister (DH'S ex SD - very confusing!) and they had clearly heard bad things about me, but I was just normal and eventually they realised I wasn't an axe weilding bitch. At 10 kids are fairly savvy and SD worked out for herself what her Mum was up to and ignored it. Even if she was fine about you it would still be awkward at first, it's one of those things that just gets easier with time.

[blondie1971]

have said to the dad i need some time out to think which he is giving me - i'm trying to ignore the situation to be honest as dont know what to do for the best - unchartered waters for me!

met my previous partners 16 year old son but his mum and dad (my partner at the time) had a fab friendship as they had him very young and had split before he was born and remained both great friends and parents to him! myself, the ex and his son are still great mates too 8 years down the line - maybe as that is my only experience this new one seems so scary as it is so different and negative in comparison

like i said - i just want to do what's best, and that includes for me - i dont want to put myself in a situation that is going to be a constant battlefield with an ex, or to upset a 10 year old or make his life difficult through my being an unwanted presence, or to make life difficult for the fella and access to his son

in my heart of hearts, i want the fella to make the decision - say it's best you two dont meet each other yet but let's carry on seeing each other and see how it goes - but i know that's me putting off the inevitable of meeting his son and that the fella wont say that anyway as he is so keen for his son to see i am not the wicked witch of the west and meet who makes his dad happy

if only there was a smiley now that conveyed the aaaaarrrggghhhhhh i am feeling!

[Beamur]

I think you are being wise to be circumspect about this.
I am a step to 2 kids, but my DP and his ex have a good relationship and have never used the kids against each other.
It is a poisonous situation and I think you are right to have a big think first.
If down the road you do decide to meet, I'd go with brief meetings to start with at neutral places. The Dad needs to think about his sons feelings first - which might mean some bridge building with his ex too. Why are they so hostile?

[blondie1971]

hostility between them i think is too many years of learning how to press each other's buttons - which we all do in relationships, but is now still a habit after they have split, and i am sure these things are never a one way street

and i think it's also that old thing of i dont want you but no one else can have you either (which again i understand as have been there, felt that, even when i was the one to end a relationship!) but i didnt have any kids to slag the new girl off to, so just got mardy and jealous on my own! and then got over it- maybe that's the tack i need to take

[Beamur]

Are you the first relationship post split for your chap?
I think that first relationship after a split is tough, it really underlines that people are moving on.
If you decide to carry on with this relationship, you sound like the sort of person who can rise above tit for tat behaviour and hopefully (given time) the ex may get over her hurt and accept the situation.
Your new chap needs to have the maturity not to use his new happiness with you though as a way to get back at her too.
I met my DSS when he was 9 and my DSD was 7. I actually came to the house (against all the advice on here and from my friends) stayed for a meal and then went home - I lived near enough to do this. I don't think it would have been at all fair on them for me to have stayed overnight on their first meeting of me. At the time I wondered if it was too soon to meet them as we hadn;t been together that long, but the kids knew about me and were very curious to meet me.

[blondie1971]

i totally understand - me and fella live 3 hour drive from each so time pressure as we both have only weekends - time precious - again why i think he is keen - but i have friends (there) who i met him through so I can stay with them

i genuinely (and am very cynical usually) dont think he is using his happiness against her -it all just seems like unresolved crap i am nothing to do with - i am the catalyst and excuse

[blondie1971]

good news- he has arranged a babysitter for the evening when i go down, he spends the day with his son, fella and i go out sat night alone, he goes home,i stay with friends, he gets to spend sunday with his son and depending on how the son is, i may go with them to motorbike stuff, or i may meet him another time if son doesnt want to meet me

phew

[Beamur]

Hope it goes well. Good luck!

[aurorastargazer]

oh that's lovely news (had pm'd you before i read the thread sorry). hope things go well for you

[blondie1971]

he is no longer answering phone calls (this week) - tbh if he had met someone my friend down there would have told me as i have known her for 22 years - so i can only guess it was my reticence at meeting the son

shame they dont realise when good intentions are involved - WALOB

[aurorastargazer]

i don't know what to suggest other than could you go to his house to see him and talk to him directly?

[blondie1971]

he contacted me at last - said he has been really trying to sort things out with ex plus his son, she now realises that having put the dagger into me his son is upset which she hates, and she seems to have come round to the idea of me and has even suggested son DOES meet me to allay his concerns about not seeing his dad as much cos dad has a girlfriend; and hopes by meeting me it will help and iron things out between them all.

i have said i am still not sure as dont want it to be too soon for the son; i have to be honest for everyone's sake i think, but things looking up as far as i am concerned as it is best all round if those two get over their differences

thanks again for all your support - i visit next weekend so fingers crossed for me whatever happens

[aurorastargazer]

of course sweetheart, i relaly hope things work out for you what's worked for me is that i've not tried to be anything, not his friend and certainly not a replacement mother - he doesn't need one (i know you woudln't either). i have let him take his time and just been normal with him - no agenda, no nothing (apologies for the very bad grammar!).

i wish you and your dp all the luck and best wishes in the world let me know how you get on

[blondie1971]

didnt meet the son but it was awful anyway- son was at a sleepover - had a blast there apparently which was great - then decided he wanted to leave early sunday morning and see his dad (knowing i would be there)

his dad had had him friday night and all day sat and told his son i would be there sat night and sunday (they normally have sat night and sunday together so it was the same amount of time although i understand a disruption to the routine)

it made me feel guilty, his dad feel guilty, that i was there when his son wanted to see his dad- i ran around getting ready to go to see a friend who lives in same area, before the son got to his dads, so i would be out of the house and not upset things further

the dad felt torn - questioning whether he should be with me as it is upsetting his son (which i totally get) and musing aloud whether he was putting me before his son which of course made me feel great. it had been 9 weeks since we last saw each other so i am hardly muscling in

god its a minefield- i have been out with people with kids before - but never experienced this - maybe its as his dad has him every weekend - whereas people i have been out with before have their kids once a fortnight so it hasnt had to come up in conversation that they are seeing someone

i only see him once every 6 weeks max, which some may think is wierd but it works for us - i have a very busy job and am mindful of his time with his son at wknds as well as having my own life, so dont think i am asking a hell of a lot for one sat night in every 6, but then what do i know.

in time - if things continue to go well, either myself or fella will look to relocate (me probably as i dont have any kids and it wouldnt be fair for him to be far away from his) and move things forward but we are both mindful of the fact we have jumped too fast in previous relationships and just want to see how this pans out before we make any life changing decisions - hence my initial reticence at meeting his son ( i am also mindful it would be me who disrupts my life to move so am waiting it out and wil do for a lot longer until i am sure)

i dont think (and hope i am not being) selfish - i completely understand how hard it is for the son to grasp at 9 years old his dad has met someone and he isnt going to lose his dad to me, and am hoping that he will see me only seeing his dad 1 out of 6 saturday nights is proof he will still spend loads of time with his dad - but i also know i am coming at this from a non children point of view

sorry for the vent - amply helped by glass and a half of chardonnay!

thanks for listening!