why is it so fecking hard ?

[droves]

im about ready to give up .

make effort to include , buy gifts, send cards, put my own needs last , doesnt matter what i do.

dd1 is getting married . im not invited .

Her words to dh ... its just the parents , and the brothers.

words fail me.

she doesnt consider ds4 her brother ? or dd4 her sister.im hurt by this more than the fact i wont be at her wedding.

[theredhen]

droves,

I am so sorry your DD has done this, it shows a complete lack of empathy and thought towards you.

I suppose this is why so many step parents are told to detach, detach, detach.

I don't know what to suggest apart from talking to her calmly and telling her how hurt you are? Maybe she genuinely just hasn't thought?

[roxron]

I think detach is what you must do - it is soul-destroying to be treated in such an insignificant way - you need to put yourself first and your self-esteem. It isn't you being bad, just a situation that's out of your control and that's the key - control your life and let all the others get on with theirs.

[droves]

Thank you , you are right. i think i do have to detach from the situation.

Its very hurtful , and ive spent most of the day crying.
Its not doing any good is it ?.

I wont talk to dh about the wedding anymore, i will plan a super fun birthday party for the twins in the summer instead.

[lateatwork]

i am so sorry about this. it is painful.

i agree... detatch.

on my journey as a step parent, i always remember the story of my friend. my very good friend who is empathetic, will do anything for anyone, kind, loyal, smart, loving..... his parents split when he was 8. his father had an affair and later married the lady who became his step mum. there was a huge battle over custody. they settled into an access routine. he was at his dad's and step mums 1-2 times per week... fast forward to now. his dad and step mum split up after being together 27 years. So he has known her for 27 years as his step mum. She has probably been through the same anguish, compromises, financial hardship as we have all done etc.... my friend doesnt see her. at all. he doesnt see the need as she is NOT family. I was really shocked by his attitude as he is SO level headed, he wasnt saying it out of malice or being bitter or nasty, it was just matter of fact to him... but it just proves blood is thicker than water... step mums will always be water. i think a lot about this now- partic when i have to make a decision that means i have to seriously compromise what i do or want... i assume i will never ever get anything 'back' and in fact will only ever be hurt by this lark...

dont put your needs last. you count. she is an adult and will survive without you.

make that birthday party a bloody fab one!!!

[pleasechange]

droves, sorry that's very hurtful for you. What has your DH said to his DD over this? At the end of the day, however she feels about whether or not you are family, you are DH's wife and it's bl**dy rude not to invite you, if only just for that reason.

[roxron]

lateatwork - I am very "long-in-the-tooth" at step-parenting - the story of your friend and his stepmother has really hit home - I have constantly tried to be popular especially with my very petulant and difficult adult stepdaughter and really want to be friends with her and have this "special" relationship - but she is a cow and I always feel like crap after her visits.

Reading about your friend has helped me now make the decision not to put myself through this hell anymore - I don't want my OH to resent me but he is hopeless at standing my corner - I guess if he wants to be the wonderful "Disney Dad" - he can even though she talks to him as if he's some sort thicko who was born yesterday. I know for a fact that in the future - if and when I am alone - I would never see her or her brothers again because "blood is thicker than water". Thank you so much for the enlightenment :)

[NoodlesMam]

Are your twins her bio half siblings? If so I think it's terrible that she would even consider leaving them out! How long have you been with DH? I think you really need to detach and make that birthday party the best ever but I would also invite DBD and make a point that you are inviting her as their SISTER! I can only imagine how hurt you are about this, I would be devastated.

Has she given a reason, such as finances or has her mother told her not to invite you? When DH and I married, my Dad had just moved in with a woman I had met twice and didn't really like. My mother, still upset about their split, told me that if I invited her she wouldn't come. I invited her and she in turn invited 7 of her friends, all of whom had to be catered for and cost us a fortune even though I had never any of them. My Mum still came and had a fantastic day.

Do you usually have a good relationship with DBD? If so I would perhaps talk to her about it in a 'are you excited about your wedding day? I bet you will look beautiful' kind of way and see if she sheds any light on her decision?

[Littlebirdlost]

It?s so sad to hear this upset echoed by another SM- my heart really goes out to you. This is a horrible situation to find yourself in.

Like many on this forum, I?ve found it a harsh reality, but detaching and choosing when I do get involved with the SC has worked for me. I feel it?s a way of protecting myself and having some control in an ongoing situation that is made up of almost constant compromises by women in our shoes.

The way I started to look at it is, in the cold light of day, I don?t need my SC?s approval or the baggage that goes with their mother. I chose my DP and so I try and focus on that and our relationship. I make every effort to be friendly, and make the DC feel welcome, but I don?t give more than I?m willing to lose. Its? just not worth it for me- I?m sure I?m not the only one that has been brought to tears by the frustration of things going on around them but totally powerless to change them.

Please let us know how things go from here. I have every faith that birthday party is going to be a brilliant, joyful celebration :)

[droves]

my twins are her half siblings .
Dh is furious/hurt and upset that hes to go to the wedding " with his ex " and is not able to bring me, his wife.
He is also upset that all the children cant go . (we look on all 8 kids as "ours ", it doesnt matter who their parents are , or how they came to be in our family , its the fact that they are our family that matters iykwim. 3 from dh and ex-w , 3 from me and ex-h , and the twins together).

Thing that gets me , is dd1's fiancee has invited his step-dad and all of his half siblings.

I think dd1's real mum and auntie have had an influence. The auntie will be there too .

I told dh last night , that he shouldnt fall out with dd1 over this , as she is his only daughter who will get married (dd4 has autism & severe learning disability, so is unlikely to ever get married) , he would be throwing away his only chance of walking a daughter down the aisle.

DH's great revelation last night , was after she told him i and her twin siblings were not to go to wedding , she asked him for the money for her wedding dress.

Im still pretty much gutted by this , but after a good nights sleep , its a bit more in perspective.
I dont really want to be in a room with dh's ex for any lenghth of time.

Its like im getting punished for marrying dh (at times).They split long before i was with dh , but i get treated like a home-wreaker. All i ever did was try to be supportive to dh's relationship with his children , and an extra help to their mother.

I give up.
Next time she phones wanting a lift or cash , she'll be told to jog on.

Ironicaly dd1 was main bridesmaid at mine and dh's wedding.

[PeppermintJunkie]

The way I started to look at it is, in the cold light of day, I don?t need my SC?s approval or the baggage that goes with their mother. I chose my DP and so I try and focus on that and our relationship. I make every effort to be friendly, and make the DC feel welcome, but I don?t give more than I?m willing to lose. Its? just not worth it for me- I?m sure I?m not the only one that has been brought to tears by the frustration of things going on around them but totally powerless to change them.

^ sorry I didn't know how to highlight someone else's posting any other way ^

Detach Detach Detach is the only way as far as I can see when it comes to step-parenting. The more you give, it seems the more you lose, and it's usually your sanity

You're in a horrible position and I think her behaviour is appalling. Your DH is in an awful position as you say given that this is possibly the only time he'll have the opportunity of walking one down the aisle. I get the feelings he's just as torn.

I really do hope things turn out well for you all xx

[droves]

At least when she is married , then her husband will be the focus of her attention (hopefully) and dh and i will be able to concentrate more on the younger children.
....and no more cash withdrawls from bank of dad !

[Ooid]

Very sad to read this, as the adult step-child whose step-parents have consistently detached. I didn't realise that was common advice but it explains a lot in my life.
Horrid thing for your stepdaughter to be doing. If the mother's going to be there, it might arise from a horrible feeling that you two can't be in the same room together (I have this) and not being mature enough to see that or deal with it.

[droves]

Detach .

How exactly are you supposed to do this when you have spent many many years trying your hardest to bond with your step child.

I thought we were close , i hoped she loved me as much as i love her. I assumed she loved her little brother and sister.
She came to me when she was ill , for advice when she was pg, to talk to her dad for her when they argued.fgs i even combed bloody nits out of her hair.

i just want to cry.

[tokenwoman]

christ almighty things yet to pass in the future in my situation, i guess it happens/will happen to so many of us in a SP environment I like the quote of lateatwork step mums will always be water and I for one will try to remember that, it may come in handy.
if only we SM could talk freely to these SC like we would do our own DC instead of walking on eggshells all the bloody time, my DP practically jumps if I so much as look little princesses way let alone speak or ask anything of her In many ways our DP/DH are at fault for allowing so many rudenesses (is this an actual word? ) go unmentioned and unchallenged for fear of losing contact
My DP says he puts up with it because she is his daughter, I say he shouldn't put up with it beacuase she IS his daughter but he seems perfectly happy to raise a rude spoilt brat
Sorry you and your DC are bearing the brunt of this young womans rudeness

you could always ring his mobile just as he's halfway walking her down the aisle

[NHAN]

I think that is awful and for your children too. I hope the spoilt brat can always rely on her biological parents and never needs to turn to you again.
It makes me want to detach more now and my step daughter is only 11! She turns to me all the time now but I know the tide might turn and i'll be to blame for everything. I have to say as much as i expect grief from both her and my step son if they turn on my son (their half brother) and the baby we're expecting that will be it from me.

[NHAN]

Just wanted to add that you should be proud of what you've done for her and how you've treated her.
One day she will realise what a c0w she has been to you.
I do think your husband should be standing up to her though and making it clear that he does not support her decision.
The door would be well and truly closed to her now if i were you

[PeppermintJunkie]

Detach .

How exactly are you supposed to do this when you have spent many many years trying your hardest to bond with your step child.

I thought we were close , i hoped she loved me as much as i love her. I assumed she loved her little brother and sister.
She came to me when she was ill , for advice when she was pg, to talk to her dad for her when they argued.fgs i even combed bloody nits out of her hair.

i just want to cry.sadsadsad

Still don't know how to include previous postings although I have tried to look!

As in lots of cases Droves, SM's give their all to their SC's and for little if anything in return, and I can understand your frustration at loving this child as much as you have only for her to turn on you in such a way. If she were a younger child I would be suggesting that her mother has poisoned her/brainwashed her to the point of no return through no fault of yours, however given her age you really would think she should know better and have some respect for all you've done.

When I suggest detaching, I don't mean it in such a way that you block her out of your life entirely, just simply step back so that you can take stock of what really matters now, because YOU matter! She knows deep down what you've done for her, and she will have to live with her behaviour if she has an ounce of self-respect.

Think of yourself and your children and try not to let this mean behaviour upset you too much, because the only person it's hurting is you and you deserve so much better than that

[Smum99]

What an awful situation although it says more about your step daughter than you. I also think your DH should realise that she is also disrespecting him and his family.
Does her mum have a new partner? I would be very disappointed in my daughter if she did not extend an invite to her SM (& half siblings). Let's hope that the daughter has a perfect marriage and never has to be a step mum herself..that would be karma!

[Laulalou]

Sorry in advance of sounding like a complete B*h, but my DH would NOT be going to this wedding if I were in your shoes Droves... I'd make sure of it.

This girl is a disgrace and your DH needs to put his foot down and show solidarity with his young family...

You are trying to be a good person and take this on the chin and for once, DON'T. Book yourselves a family holiday and miss the whole sorry affair! Good luck and keep your chin up xxx

[skiphopskidaddle]

droves I don't know the situation but perhaps she can't bear the thought of upsetting her birth mother by inviting you, or risk conflict by having you, your DH and his ex wife all in the same place.

Several of my adult friends have had non-standard weddings (one delayed for years) because they didn't want to face having all the bits of the family together. Perhaps her mother is putting pressure onto her not to invite you and yours, and she can't handle it.

My heart goes out to you. You sound as though you've shown her incredible patience and kindness over the years, and I hope that one day she'll come to understand just how good you've been to her.

[droves]

I saw dd1 briefly , yesterday , as i droped off ds3 at his mums house.
She smiled and waved at me , but we didnt speak.
I think she is oblivious to what she has done.

She looked so happy .

I dont know if shes actually thought about this ?.

I think most likely thing is that her mum ,has " put her foot down", iykwim ?.
DD1 will do anything to please/appease her. .

Still , i suppose if dd1 is happy ,then thats all that matters in the end.

I want to hide until its all over ....
DD1 has put on facebook , the wedding is in 10 weeks .
My aunties have congratulated her ....and my cousin is looking for shoes to wear to wedding.



Shes not thought, has she ? .

[SingingTunelessly]

Ahh Droves Really not sure how I would cope with this situation at all tbh.

I don't buy the "hasn't thought" bit at all. She's an adult getting married and knows exactly what she's done. So your cousin is invited? Thought it was only her parents and brothers?

[droves]

My cousin isnt invited , but has assumed that she will be.
I dont know if i should tell her ,or leave it too dd1 herself.

Part of me thinks , do the decent thing and let people know before they start buying outfits .
But on the other hand , this is dd1's doing , let her sort it.

[anniepanniepears]

Droves just let the spoilt brat get on with it. think what Laulalou has sugested and book a family holiday and enjoy yourself away from all the bad feeling

[tallpoppies]

I think your dh should really stand up for you here and tell his daughter he will refuse to go unless you are all invited too!