Anyone had any terrible experiences of this whole step-parenting thing?

[Nagaseli]

I have just come out of a 5 year relationship because I simply cannot cope with being a step parent. I can't cope with the lying, the whispering, the manipulation, the unfair treatment of the kids etc etc and tbh I feel like a failure because I really thought I could do it. My aunt relived her memories of being a step parent today and said it was one of the hardest things she ever did and nobody can truely understand what it puts you through until they go through it themselves. Im wondering how many others have had such awful experiences of the whole step-parent thing. I know I'd never do it again but half of me can't help wondering if I could have done things differently.

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Yes, im also at the end of a 5 year relationship due to the same issues.
Absolute nightmare past 5 years, I wouldn't have wished them on any of us.

[roxron]

It is so sad - my marriage ended in 2000 and my ex-husband used all the issues around stepchildren as the excuse to leave (it later transpired he was having an affair - so to blame me for being a bad step mum was very convenient).

I have been a step parent at all levels now - the small step children and now the adult step children with my current partner of 10 years. It is hard at every level - if you are not a saint and an immensely special human being - it absolutely tests you to the limit. I am now 51 and with the benefit of hindsight - I think to stay together despite all the ups and downs, with your own children is so much more tolerable.

Your levels of patience and tolerance with your own kids is so different. I admire the people who are successful and stress-free in the step parent situation - I just couldn't make it work. Second time around with the adult stepchildren, it is difficult when they visit but to be honest - if the Dads feel guilty and gives in all the time - and does not see what you see - you just want to give up and walk. I just wish I was blessed with saintly patience.

[NHAN]

I'm still in a relationship as a step mother and it has become absolute hell! I desperately want to leave but cannot afford to private rent and the council will not help me. I'm expecting my second child so plan to stick it out until I can get some money together for deposit then go.
We've been engaged over 3 years now but I have no interest in making it official at the moment. I have lost all respect for my partner because he is usless at disiplining his son and doing anything with him or his daughter, then when they go home he takes everything out on me.
My step children only stay every other weekend fri-mon but the fall out lasts days and our relationship has been destroyed by his son.
Many people have said they couldn't do it but i was determined it wouldn't be that bad but now that it has become obvious my step son has behavioural problems, probably adhd and aspergers and therefore will not change and will probably get worse, he's only 9,I can't take anymore. I want my life back and I want my children to live in a calm relaxed environment with a happy mother.

[TrappedinSuburbia]

Could you contact CAB for help NAHN, ive heard of something called a rent deposit scheme, where the council or someone similar pay your deposit for you.
Also womensaid may be able to give you advice?
Al

[squeakytoy]

I have been a stepmother to three, for ten years, and it has not been easy. They are all adults now, and the youngest has nothing at all to do with us.

I would advise anyone going into a relationship with someone who has children to think long and hard about it before you commit.

Being a step-parent is often a thankless task, you have many occasions of feeling the odd one out in the family, and you have to learn to detach yourself or you run the risk of being hurt a lot of the time.

This year I got a birthday card from my stepson, who is 25, which said "to a special stepmum".. it made me cry, because that is the first card in ten years that has actually acknowleged my status.

[BigChiefOrganiser]

squeaky that's lovely. If either of my DC grew up and wanted to marry someone with children, I would give them a good shake or a firm slap. I'm not a saint or blessed with patience unfortunately and from reading tales on MN, DHs DD is a pretty good kid!

[LoopyLiz88]

I've been a stepmum for 3 years and if we ever split up I will NOT under any circumstances date anyone with kids. I like my stepson but honestly I'd prefer he didn't exist. Things are getting better and he does finally listen to me(sometimes)

[lateatwork]

I have been with my partner since DBS was 2.5- around the age our daughter is now. I would NOT do it again and in fact if DP and I split I would remain single in preference to being with another partner and my child being a step iyswim.

It is the single most stressful thing I have ever had to deal with. Its not just DBS, its the ex and the fall out of the broken relationship. Its a tremendous amount of compromise. You cant just move anywhere as a unit (I cant move countries to be with my elderly sick parents, or take another job internationally)... always have to think about DBS... holidays- cant have any amazing ones in case DBS gets jealous (cause ex wont allow him to come...), its the court threats, the mediation, the financial hurdles, the emotional rollercoaster, the fact that DP never feels 'whole' unless DBS is here but I never feel 'whole' when he is here.... its the double standards and Disneyland dad stuff...

At the end of the day, the link between DBS and me is the same as the link between ex and DD- yet EX does not have to support DD financially, take her on holidays, cook for her, clean up after her, cope with her tantrums, be told that she has to care for her as if she is her own but get nothing back except pain.

would i do it again? absolutely no way in the world.

[theredhen]

As someone who is struggling, these posts are in a strange way, encouraging. I too feel like I'm am failing and that if only I could find something else within myself, then things would be better. At least I know I am not the only one who feels this way.

DP seems happy enough and turns a blind eye to my unhappiness thinking it will "go away".

What is so sad is that I think DP and I actually have a good relationship aside from the kids, both his and mine.

"Blending" seems a bit of an impossibility to me at the moment.

[pleasechange]

theredhen - not sure what happened to your other thread. Did you show DH the comments?

[theredhen]

Think the thread has just come to a natural end. It helped me a lot, made me see that I am giving a lot and gaining not a lot. lol

Don't really want him to know I've been on here and think he will dismiss them as from a load of "bitter women" which is how he thinks of message boards anyway.

I've felt sad, angry and now just feel deflated. DP knows there is something wrong but won't ask me what because he doesn't want to discuss it.

[pleasechange]

I think of you often. Really hope you find some way of improving the situation. I know what you mean about telling DH - I've never mentioned any of it to him for the same reason

[theredhen]

Thanks allnew.

So many people on here are lovely and have been a great support.

[foolio]

I just wanted to share that I'm due to get married in 2 months time and I'm on the verge of calling it off partly due to the situation with a step child.

I am exhausted by the whole experience and if I call it a day I will NEVER date anyone with children again.

[expatinscotland]

This is why, back when I was single and childfree, I wouldn't go out with men who had children and if I found out after the fact I ended things immediately.

Just couldn't cope.

[RhiRhi123]

Hi i'm new to mums net. I know how you feel it is so draining being a step-parent. It just makes everything so much harder having to consider the consequences of everything we do and getting nothing back in return (in my case!) I'm married to my DH and we have a baby on the way which is something we both desperately wanted but my whole experience of becoming a first time mum is being ruined and I can't help but resent the whole situation!

[tokenwoman]

i would NEVER ever get involved with someone with children again. (or with an ex wife from hell)

Ive been with DP since DSD was 6 she is now 13 and I fear the worse is yet to come, she is rude, indifferent to my requests, does what she pleases, and is a spoilt brat (yes its the parents fault she is like this not hers) I am ignored, barely spoken to, totally invisable to both DSD and DP when she is here, I am throughly fed up with tiptoeing and cleaning up around daddies little princess, fed up with watching disney dad go into financial overdrive every other weekend, thankfully I can dissappear but my heart sinks when I have to go back in the evening when she is on access weekend (does DP notice I stay away for longer and longer periods? I doubt it)

My DP tells me I have to make the effort with princess (WTF does he think Ive been doing) but forgets to have the same conv with his daughter and everytime he promises to have a chat with DSD about her attitude it gets forgotten so she never knows how much her bad manners piss me off

I am seriously thinking of calling it a day too, fed up with giving my all for very little return I have tried every tactic in the book, detachment, overkill, kindness, love, understanding, you name it Ive done it I no longer mention anything about DSD and that extends to her friends as that is a no go area too.

Every conv about princess behaviour has in the past ended in a huge row the child is queen when she visits and she knows it and he can't see the damage its doing not only to her but to our relationship with one another

I want a quiet life, one without strife, one where I can speak freely on any topic without being made to feel like im the wicked witch, I dont reconise the man i fell in love with when his daughter is with us, his parenting skills stink and he is not willing to put it right even though he knows what he should do. I feel like im in some sort of limbo land at the moment and DP can't or won't see how miserable I am

[WkdSM]

I have been a step mum for about 13 years now and it is only that DH is my soul mate and is extremly supportive that I have stuck with it.
As well as the usual (mad Ex W who uses DH like a cash point, SSs who are rude (as encouraged by ExW), don't even send DH birthday / christmas cards, rarely say thank you, continually changing access arrangements when they were younger, thoughless and generally normal teeage boys) - I have also had to endure my underware being stolen and used while watching underage / illegal porn, family heirloom jewellery being stolen, money for charity I helped with being stolen (we replaced it) being physically and verblly abused, constant lies (tbf - youngest lies to everyone including himself) - and being blamed for life, universe and everything.

We are thinking of moving to another country - and I have to say part of the appeal is that I will not have to deal with the SSs and ExW on a regular basis.

I would do it again for my DH - but I would take care to remain totally emotionally detached from teh kids - as hard as that may seem, sometimes it is the only way to prtect yourself.

Oh - and vodka helped.

[EmilyD]

I find it really hard at times, I've tried to take a step back but its so hard when I see my husband under attack verbally from his daugther. Selfishly I am looking forward to her going to uni in 4 years as she is dirty, smelly, rude, thankless and does nothing to help, never says thank you. I've tried so many times to find her level to no avail. So I get on with my own life, make sure she is fed, watered, has clean clothes and be there if needed.

[Smum99]

Lateatwork summed up my feelings, Yes being a stepparent is so very tough - it's the 100% giving without any benefits.

Dh & I are fantastic together BUT the stress of the ex makes me want to run away at times. DH is now supportive (it took him a while) and he knows how difficult it is however other than a magic wand what can he do? Make his selfish ex change???

A glimmer of hope is that his daughter is developing a good bond with us so the years of hard work, not reacting to extreme provocation are paying off..but would I do it again, never...would I recommend it to a friend, never..

[PeppermintJunkie]

Nagaseli YOU ARE NOT A FAILURE!!! You gave it your best shot but your sanity was worth more than what you were prepared to put up with any longer, some wouldn't have put up with it for that long.

There's one thing that can be said for being a step-parent, and that is, it teaches you some very valuable lessons of how to remember that YOU are important regardless of whatever everything else thinks of you, or you FEEL they think of you.

I can honestly say that in my experience I would NEVER encourage anybody to enter upon a relationship with a man with children.

They say that when you have children, they don't come with a handbook..never a more true statement. When you have step-children, it's a whole different kettle of fish because even when you think you're doing the right think, it is quickly turned around to seem different and to suit one person (mother/father) or another. Regardless of the effort you put in, there is little thanks and you do feel slightly anonymous in your own home and inside you are screaming out to be noticed/heard.

If a friend/relative insisted on entering upon a relationship with a man with children, the advice I would give would be to stand a fair way back from the situation and let the parent (dad) deal with EVERYTHING! Remember that you have a life too and can take yourself away from any hassles. Never EVER get embroiled with the ex-partner's demands or tantrums, and lastly ...

Make sure your passport is always valid for a quick getaway :)

[tokenwoman]

pepper lolllolo so thats lots of vodka and passport at the ready great advice

[roxron]

I honestly think the phrase "bio blindness" fits perfectly - you just have to decide that no matter what you say rightly or wrongly you OH will only see what he wants to see and cannot get into your shoes. So really I have found from experience that it is a pointless exercise to try to change anyone's perception of their own children - little or big ones - good or bad ones. I think it is hard-wired in the biological parent's brain and too be fair - I have probably been guilty of overlooking my kids failings too at times - although if the child is generally ok and decent - you can build on that. If you have a spoiled brat to cope with - then you just have to find a coping mechanism - fighting and rowing will get you nowhere - I hate to be negative but it doesn't get better when they grow up and nor do the dads :(

[ladydeedy]

oh I sympathise entirely. Squeakytoy, I actually cried when I read your post - I know exactly what you mean. It just gets you all ways round. Not being able to go somewhere as a unit either is so difficult. Hvae been offered international assignments but we cannot go together because of the children. Mad ex wife from hell, court, threatening letters, police being sent round to our house, her turning up at our house trying to get in and has attempted to hit my husband (on two occasions!).. All very thankless. Thank god husband is wonderful, supportive and completely understands. Also am so busy with work, family (elderly parents) and everything else I just dont/cant let it drain me any more... I do think i actually WOULD do it again - the rewards (seeing DSSs blossom and be more rounded) are worth it. I should say THEIR rewards! Not mine as such but I get a good feeling from being (I hope!) a positive influence in their lives. not just me but my siblings and parents who have welcomed them wholeheartedly...

[Abip]

Being a step-mum is a thankless task. You get better manners and respect from your own children and it has caused terrible arguments.

I personally believe that the parenting of the bio parent over indulges the child and puts differences between the sets of children creating a divide.

My dss who is 19 has just left our family home as he was defiant in being a lazy rude and a selfish man who would not get a job. I could no longer tolerate it and we all argued with him being sat in bed till 12 every day.

I was ready to leave, however he has chosen to go to his mums in a strop and live there. The grass is not greener and he has shot himself in the foot as his mum wont tolerate this behaviour either.

I would never date a man with children again as the parenting is a real issue. I am strict with my children, teach them manners, respect and boundaries. If a man did not share my ethos then the home will ALWAYS be divided.