Need help and advice about step daughter and her feelings

[EmilyD]

I am concerned about my step daughter (14) and her skewed feelings towards her dad. This weekend we had plans to go out as a family to the cinema and she decided she wanted to go to her boyfriends instead for the evening, she had seen him the whole day on Saturday and we always have family time on Sunday evening if it is just sitting down for an evening meal together.

When she was told no she went into one and started dragging up stuff from the past, that her dad was responsible for her mothers happiness even now (even though he is married to me), insinuating now and that her father was to blame, they split up over 4 years ago now and she is still holding a load of anger.

Has anyone got any ideas of how to deal with this, any books you could recommend given it is over 4 years after the split to help her deal with her feelings and any ideas of how we can rebuild the relationship with her. She excludes herself from as many things as possible that we suggest.

Help! I am worried for her that this feelings and attitude will stay with her into adulthood and ruin her chance of happy relationships.

[aurorastargazer]

first of all i couldn't let your post go unanswered

second - i don't really knwo what to say as i haven't come across this as yet - i know that i am very lucky getting on with dbf's son (and he with my dd) as well as we do.

could you tlak to your dh about things?

[EmilyD]

Thanks for your response. Sorry reading my post backit looks like it was me saying no, it was my husband.

Although I have had the same problems with her in the past and she blames him this time it is her having a go directly at him, my relationship with her is ok. It seems like if she doesn't get her own way this is how she reacts. She has a lot of anger directed towards him and he knows this but we don't know how to deal with it.

He is having to take the brunt of it and has been talking constantly to her about the issues but she just blames him, directly to his face.

His ex is not helpful and actually reinforces her behaviour so no point asking her to help.

[scurryfunge]

Teens have a way of pushing the right buttons during any dispute and it may not be anything to do with being a step child. They are quite capable of throwing up any issue just to be contrary.
You also have to remember that any 14 year old will find adult company dull most of the time and will try to exclude themselves (unless it involves clothes buying or the like).

Her dad needs to be the one that shows he is not necessarily the wrong doer here and needs to reinforce the fact she is secure and loved.

[aurorastargazer]

oh dear

and there was no need to say thank you
unfortunately, there doesn't seem to be any real way of knowing exactly what is sadi to your dsd when she is with her mum, i do however think that being consistent with her iskey - this is what i have learnt from meeting my dd when she has stayed overnight at her dad's. my ex seems to be of the same mindset as your dh's ex. i don't haev any relay advice sorry, you are welcome to talk to me though if it helps

[SecondMrsS]

I have thi sproblem. Do you often feel that the things that come from her mouth are being fed to her by a 'third party' i.e. her mum?

My DSD says things to my partner about everything being his fault a lot and I know for a fact most of it is parrot fashion things her mum has told her.

She does most often do it when he isn't giving her her own way as I think she enjoys the way it detracts from her misdemeanour and puts the focus on her dad's short comings instead..

How to deal with it..? Dunno

[nenevomito]

I have to back up what some of the PPs have said here - teenagers have a habit of throwing stuff up in arguments, particularly if its one they can't win.

Its not unreasonable to ask for family time, so the key is stay calm and stick to the rules.

Don't take what is said in the heat of the moment too much to heart. If she is really holding in a lot of anger, then wait until all is calm and see if your DH can talk to her rationally then.

[babyapplejack]

Firstly, she's 14 and this is a very difficult age.

Re the family time on the Sunday evening: I think that as someone has said, it's probably best not to tie her to this. You could negotiate - eg you could have the family time over a Sunday lunch (?) or similar instead of the evening when she wanted to go out. So as long as you get the family time, I would try to be flexible given her age and her anger.

Does you hold you responsible for taking her father from her mother? Because if she does, I think she would hold onto a huge amount of anger 4 years on and it won't be going away anytime soon. It could easily be there after a decade, it certainly was for someone I know.

[EmilyD]

Thanks guys, don't feel so alone in all of this. It does appear she brings all this stuff up if she isn't getting her own way. She goes to her boyfriends a lot and seems to enjoy being around his family but will not bring him to ours, I think she has painted this picture of her dad being an ogre and if he spent any time with us it might break that image for him. She seems to play the victim constantly.

In response to Magicjamas as she only comes to stay half the time Sunday tea is the only real time we get together as a family as all other times at the weekend she is out with the friends and she has all the freedom in the world which we have no problem with. In terms of this Sunday we had arranged (in discussion with her) to go to the cinema as a family and she said she wanted to come until a better offer came along which she presented at the last minute, we said her boyfriend could come too but she said there was no way he would want to. That's when the argument started with her dad.

babyapplejack - I wasn't involved in her parents separation - I met him after the event. I don't feel she directs this towards me, it is in her opinion her fathers fault.

I guess a lot of this stuff is just normal teenage stuff and the split gives her ammunition to vent.

Thanks for all your usual comments, it is a great help x

[aurorastargazer]

how are thigns with you now emily