So frustrated..

[Lynnsky77]

Hi there, I'm new here. I just read a few previous threads about the hardship stepmum's have to go through at times and felt like maybe this is a good place to write to share my thoughts and feelings about being a stepmum..

I'm currently feeling quite down, actually.. mainly due to the whole stepmum situation.

Story is that I 34 and planning to get married to a guy who has a 5-year old SD who lives virtually at the other end of the Island (Scotland). He/we drive up north to pick her up every other weekend, sometimes for a long weekend, and stay in hotels or, like this weekend, at a relative's place. The mother doesn't really physically feature in our lives, other than when he has to discuss contact times and things like that. He does involve me, when it's about planning our weekends, but generally, its him who discusses things with her via email or a mediator. But of course, being a bit of a jealous person, I guess one of the issues is that his ex will always be in our lives, in some way or the other..

We met in May last year and although, I have been finding it easier the more I got to spend time with the SD, I still get so bogged down by it all whenever she's doing her "I only love Daddy and Mummy" bit on me.. She says these things and I know she knows what it does to me, even if she's only 5. He's not very good at keeping boundaries in check and tends to buy her lots of things, which drives me mad... But in terms of her behaviour towards me, it's currently that bad that I can't stop feeling angry about his choice to 'create' her in the first place.. We want to have kids of our own and he says he feels blessed that he met me and that I am so good with his daughter..

I love him very much but I can't seem to stop feeling so frustrated that I am in this position (as a stepmother), a position I never wanted to be in. And I fear that it will only get harder, the older she gets.

Also, although I do ask myself what difference it would make, but he told me his daughter was an 'accident', his ex got pregnant after 3 months, which I find ridiculous because he's always so careful with me and if they hadn't wanted the child, she would have taken the morning after pill...I say these things and feel guilty because I'm practically wishing the girl didn't exist.

I know it's a lot to do with my own insecurities. The jealousy, feeling like 'how dare you have loved another woman so much you wanted a child with her'.... I don't have kids of my own, hence no experience with bringing up children, and I feel like I totally don't have any influence on that child. She's making my life pretty difficult and I don't know how much I am allowed to discipline her before she hates me for real.. What to do.....

That was my little rant.. Thank you all for listening...

x

[DerangedSibyl]

She's 5. You're expecting too much. She doesn't love you because you're not her parent, and she tells you because she's five. As for the effect it has on you - it shouldn't be having any effect on you, you're an adult and she's five.

I have a five year old SD, and she informs with with charming regularity that "Umm, I think my mummy might be prettier than you." and "Mummy always lets me have pudding even when I don't eat my dinner" and "I don't love you because you're not my mum"

I genuinely could not care less about her opinion of me, I'm as nice to her as I am to my own children, and frankly, I don't really care much about their opinion of me either.


Seriously. this child is going nowhere. You can either continue to be jealous of her existance, and mardy because she's acting her age, or you could act your age, accept her for what she is (a tiny child who is only 3 years out of nappies, if that), and you'll be happy. Ish.

[Lynnsky77]

Thanks for the honest response. Just hearing that it seems to be pretty normal to expect that sort of talk from her kind of helps, you know.. I guess it does make a difference when you have children of your own, though.. But yes, acting my age and accepting her and the fact that she exists is of course the only way forward. It doesn't help to resist reality. Doesn't make it an easy task, but it helps to be listened to by people who are in similar situations and have managed to find coping strategies that work. Thanks again.

[DerangedSibyl]

you're welcome.

Honestly, ignore it. She probably does it to her own mother, mine do it to me - "(let's call her)Mary lets us have sweets when it's not Friday" or "Mary lets us stay up until half past eight" or "Mary's a LOT younger that you, isn't she mum? Is that why she's thinner? Cos Nanny's fatter than you - do ladies get fatter when they get old, like you?"

As you are childree currently, i will give you this observation ... you know all those revolting rude brats you see in supermarkets, whining and nagging and being rude? They are, in fact, normal children.

[chelen]

Hi Lynnsky77,

it must be hard admitting to the mixed feelings you have about your stepdaughter - there's a lot of people who would prefer to put on a great public show but are struggling in private.

It is really tough sometimes having your partner's ex so involved in your life. But that is how it is and it really won't change for many years, so you need to find a way to be able to cope with it (I'm smiling as I type that as yesterday I was soooo not coping well with this aspect!!)

It will take time for the little girl to come to like you, when you marry her dad she'll have to accept her parents won't get back together and lots of things will probably change in her life.

I think you would be wise to really really talk this thru with your future husband - it is a tough business being a step parent and it may cause trouble between you if you haven't been honest with him and you are trying to cover up problems.

[Lynnsky77]

Thanks for the replies..

Chelen, I think you're totally right, it's kind of hard to admit to these feelings.. it would be too easy to make it all sound like it's fine when it's really not.. I guess everyone copes with things differently, and it all depends on the circumstances, whether or not you feel supported, and strong within yourself.

I do realise I'm being quite..well let's say immature in my feelings regarding the ex and their daughter. And no doubt one needs to find a way to cope with what's happening because that's all we can do. Either that or leave the relationship.. which is really not what I want.

I think I am pretty honest with him because I can't hide my feelings well..(been crying a lot lately)..although I couldn't really explain to him why I feel this way, ie that it's about finding it hard to accept things (ie the choices he made before he met me), because what could he do about it...

Well, I think it's maybe a matter of taking a step back, and like DerangedSybil says - not letting the things a child says get to us because we're dealing with children and we're adults..!

It feels good to talk, thanks ladies.. :)

[Lynnsky77]

P.S. Just wondering.. on a practical note.. She can be really sweet and cuddly with me but whenever I do say something that's meant to signal where the boundaries are, she looks at me with a hateful face and doesn't do what I say. Basically, all I often feel I am to her is a playmate who she can be rude and disrespectful to, and I really don't know how to deal with that. What can you say, in terms of teaching some discipline, that's not going to cause more resentful feelings ...in the child? Or should you just be quiet and let the Dad do the work....

[DerangedSibyl]

You can't discipline her without her dad's back up, and without her dad's back up when she's behaving badly, this is an issue you have with him.

But before you decide she needs discipline, think very carefully about whether or not you are being reasonable or realistic. it's much hardere to discplipline a child you haven't raised, because you're never really sure of how they will react.

[DerangedSibyl]

eg

IO have no problem with saying to my Sd "Don't be mean" or "off now, you're hurting my knee" but she gets to see me being exactly the smae, no gentler and no harsher, to my own children who are a similar age. So she already has had a visible and clear reminder about where my personal boundaries are.

If I was to unexpectedly say "Stop talking while I'm on the computer, I don't like it" she would be upset, because it's always been fine before for all the children to rattle continually in my ear whilst i type, because I'm not doing anything important.

So set your boundaries in your head, very gently set them with her, and if she doesn't stick to them, don't be afraid to say "Daddy, you need to have a word"

[Lynnsky77]

Thanks, that makes sense.. Consistency is the key here, I guess. Not behaving differently towards her than you do towards your own kids.

The Dad actually finds it quite difficult to set boundaries, too, to be honest. He's far to lenient and buys her too much stuff. I heard that's a typical mistake divorced parents make but obviously it doesn't help me in my situation. I do wonder how she will be when she's a teenager...

[chelen]

Hi, I agree you need dad's backup. I also think it is really important you are able to apply the boundaries when on your own - otherwise you would have the crazy situation where you can't enforce house rules if the dad isn't there, which would feel horrible.

The way it works here (my SS lives here) is we sat down and agreed house rules all together.

I had worked out with my husband in advance what things I would take equal share on and what things I think fall not into house rules but personal guidance - and those I said I wouldn't do. So in our house you clean your teeth before bed, totally irrelevant which adult asks, it is a rule. Or setting table, tidying room etc.

But something like 'you can't wear that to go to a wedding' or 'I'm sending you out to play because you've been watching telly for ages' is an area I leave to my husband, because it isn't a pre-agreed rule and is a sort of personal thing.

I have been super lucky as my SS doesn't often seem to mind me telling him to stick to rules, no more than he does with his dad anyway! But on the odd occasions he has said he won't do x, I've just said 'fine, but it is a house rule so in which case we will not do y (nice thing) tomorrow' and then his dad can back me up later and I don't have to get into a row at the time.

At the start though I made sure I did lots of positive caring (stuff like 'here's your pack up' and really not very much discipline.

[hellswelshy]

Hi, just thought id add a comment here, as it sounds very much like me when i first met my husband and his daughter was only 3! The first couple of years were difficult, as i didnt at the time have any children of my own, and so it was all new to me.
I felt all the same feelings as you Lynnsky, and more. I almost felt jealous of my sd as she dominated the whole time when we were all together and i felt pushed out. Then, after a while, my sd started to see me as a fun friend, i never tried to be any sort of parent figure at all to begin with (even though she asked to call me mummy etc) as i felt it best that she get to know me as a person first. After all it was all new for her too.
Gradually we became good friends, and i agree with chelen, forget about the discipline to begin with as far as possible, thats really her dads responsibility (and i made that clear to my husband beforehand). Instead i went out of my way to make sure she was happy (not spoilt), i gave her lots of attention (not material gifts), played games with her, did girly things together, brushed her hair and generally tried to be a fun and affectionate figure in her life. I think that is the most important thing you can do as she is only a child ultimately. When you feel yourself getting annoyed or having feelings of jealousy, speak to your husband when she isnt there, im sure he will understand...youre only human!!!

Good luck with it all, it does get easier, i have a great relationship with my sd now, and we have been through some tough times. I still dont act like her mum, but she knows the rules are the rules of the house, and i now have two daughters as well, her half sisters, and i treat them all the same.

Stay strong, and most importantly dont bottle it up, its hard but you will make it work in your own way.

[Lynnsky77]

That was so helpful and soothing to read, thanks so much everyone..

I guess I feel quite similar things to what you must have been feeling, hellswelshy, since I really think it does make such a difference if you don't have children of your own and when everything's so new to you. At the very beginning, I really felt so much similar to what you described. It was really hard. I remember, I was just getting to know my boyfriend, and was full of my own little insecurities and desires about wanting to feel loved and cared about..But then there was this little 4 year old, the child of the woman my boyfriend used to love (enough to have a child with..), and she was running the show, with Daddy giving her all his attention whenever she called etc..(jealousy!) And it wasn't until I started to try and be more of a relaxed and maternal person to her that she started to come closer and now she sometimes even cuddles up to me when she feels like it..

HOwever, she has also recently started to become more and more defiant, cheeky, and does really test the boundaries, which is probably perfectly normal for a girl her age. However, although my boyfriend says to feel free to discipline her when appropriate, I just don't feel like I can because I don't want to jeopardize this fragile relationship we (SD and I) have...

Like you all said, it's important to work together, as a couple, when it comes to rules etc. But at the moment, he will just have to be the one in charge, I guess..

I was particularly frustrated today, which made me want to share my thoughts here.. Later on today, my boyfriend spoke to his daughter about how inappropriately she had behaved with me today (as she had been particularly cheeky plus saying things like 'anyway, I hate her') and he asked her to apologise to me.. She did and was indeed quite sweet with me for the rest of the evening..

Thanks for all your caring and helpful messages. I promise I won't bottle it up and try and stay strong.. :)

x