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Step-parenting

Advice re DS and DSS's behaviour please.

10 replies

Dirtydiana · 19/02/2011 21:18

Hi all, this is the first time I've posted on here so please be gentle with me! I have 2 DS's aged 4yrs and a 4 month old. I have a DSS who is 13 and a DSD 16. DSD and DSS are with us a couple of days in the week and every Saturday. The problem I'm having at the moment is on Saturdays DSS and DS are constantly fighting. They go out in the morning with DP to DSS's activities. They niggle and fight in the car and carry on when back in the house. If we decide to go out, for example to the park they cant play nicely together. Obviously they get told to stop fighting, or we end up separating them, but it makes no difference. I worry all the fighting is teaching my DS to behave badly. We only have this problem when the two of them are together, my DS is fine with other children that he plays with, whatever age they are. Just looking for any tips on how to improve the situation. Thanks.

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prettyfly1 · 20/02/2011 01:43

Is there jealousy going on? I have to be honest, with the really big age difference I would expect a lot better from a child the age your dss is.

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magicjamas · 20/02/2011 07:37

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magicjamas · 20/02/2011 07:43

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mummytime · 20/02/2011 08:12

I have to agree the age gap is too big. You should see it as a bonus if the 13 year old ever wants anything to do with a 4 year old.

A 4 year old will do everything they can if they want attention, and this will include winding up a 13 year old. At 13 a boy is learning to cope with hormone rushes, and is easily embarrassed. My 15 year old will only be seen out in certain clothes; will only walk with me to town via the back routes, so we don't get seen on the main high street. I have heard of teenagers requesting parents park around the corner, and are never seen by their friends. So he may be embarrassed being seen with his Dad, never mind the huge embarrassment of a little brother.
He also may want some time on his own with his Dad. My DD loves me giving her a lift, as it is 1 on 1 time.

Does your DSS have anywhere he can get away from your DS?

BTW be careful that you don't blame bad behaviour from your DS on your DSS. In my experience children go through a "naughty phase" at about 5, and this will have nothing to do with your DSS.

Do also remember that during the week DS is the "big boy" but then DSS comes along and takes this position from him. It is no wonder he might feel jealous/put out.

Good luck!

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Dirtydiana · 20/02/2011 21:06

Thanks for your replies, it is good to get the different points of view. I agree about the age difference, DSS has no social life and never goes out with any friends which I feel is a big part of the problem. He wants to play with my DS, I'd be happier if he didnt tbh, then they might leave each other alone. When my DP goes out on Saturday morning to DSS's activities he takes both boys to give me a couple of hours to myself, which usually involves doing housework but there you go! I am very careful not to point the blame at DSS and end up telling my DS off more so I don't seem biased, but am struggling with where to go with this problem.

From reading your replies I'm thinking DSS goes alone with his dad to his activities to give them time together, and maybe DS and myself going out in the afternoon. I'am on mat leave at the moment and usually work Saturdays so they will have to be together again when I go back to work so it doesnt solve the problem long term.

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magicjamas · 20/02/2011 23:07

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theredhen · 21/02/2011 07:23

Sounds to me like there is a bit of "top dog" syndrome going on here. DSS doesnt like being pushed off his perch and DS feels that he is top dog because he spends more time with your family.

majicjamas suggestion is a good one. I also think encouraging DSS to have more of a social life is a good thing too and may take his mind off things. DS also needs some time without his big step sibling being overbearing too.

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Dirtydiana · 21/02/2011 10:38

Thanks for the advice magicjamas and redhen. We live in the same area as his other home, he just doesn't seem to have any friends that he sees outside school, have been with DP for 5yrs and it has always been that way. I am always saying to DP he needs to be going out and spending time with friends his own age, not staying in all afternoon playing computer games. He is with us Tues and Wed after school too and it is the same then. He doesn't go out when at his mums either.

My parents already provide childcare when I'm at work, DP not on speaking terms with his Dad and stepmum so no help there.

I do feel getting out more, more physical activities to burn off some energy could be the way to go, along with alone time for DSS and his dad.

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TrappedinSuburbia · 21/02/2011 23:08

Is there anything that dss could 'teach' ds, ie football, video game type thing? Would make dss feel more useful and better able to bond with your ds?

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mummytime · 26/02/2011 05:33

Don't push it, my DS doesn't "go out much", but the he does spend a lot of his sparetime programming, and is a classic nerd. You DSS may just not want to go out much, and is getting to the age to really resent you encouraging him to.

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