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Step-parenting

Making it work when there are several children involved

7 replies

EverettUlyssesMcGill · 19/02/2011 09:45

I understand I'm being previous, but I have a tendency to try and think things through long term before embarking on anything, just for the purposes of ruling it out really, so please bear with me.

I have a new friend who is a single father. He shares residence half and half with the mother of his children, and they have a great working relationship as far as I can tell.

They both own houses.

My children are similar ages, and I'm obviously single too. My elder child sees his father once a month (his father's choice). My younger one doesn't see his dad.

I'm not even sure whether I want to have a relationship, or get married, or any of that stuff, as I manage well on my own - but I am very, very fond of this man.

I don't know how he feels about me - probably that I'm a bit of a nuisance, a bit daft, and not his type! But we can talk really easily with one another and it's all good at the moment as friends.

I would love to become closer to him whether it's as friends or whatever, but I'm worried about how we would manage it all.

Firstly having had my child's father take up with someone else, I've a clear understanding of how the children's mother will probably feel if I become involved - ie, I really don't want to tread on anyone's toes, or try to take her place - the children are beautiful and very happy, and their parents clearly do a great job. It feels a bit odd to even think about intruding on that, in any way...I don't exactly know how the ground lies between them.

Equally, if we did begin seeing each other, I wouldn't want my children to 'push in' and start thinking of this man as their 'dad' - that might create a lot of resentment in his children, they don't need to have to share him with two other random kids.

The thing is though, if we were to get involved there would be time spent together as two families, but where do you draw the line? Would it even be possible to keep it as an adult relationship without involving the children too much? I really don't want to upset the balance there is at present - and though my children adore him and would love a proper 'dad' around, I don't think that would be fair on his children.

I am finding it hard to foresee a future where it all works wonderfully, but there is nothing I would like more than to be with him. (obviously only if he feels the same way! Which is by no means clear).

I'd appreciate any reassurance that this could work out - and how, really - or if you think it's hopeless, let me know that too.

He's far too lovely to get it wrong with, iyswim, and to have his friendship even if nothing else means the world to me.

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chocoholic · 19/02/2011 09:54

How old are the children? Do they all get on well?
Coming from a family of assorted step / half and full siblings I've never thought of anyone pushing in with my real parents or any resentment towards other kids in our extended family. It has always just been great to have extra siblings whatever sort they are.

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EverettUlyssesMcGill · 19/02/2011 09:57

Really? That's massively encouraging!! Smile

They're all primary age, and yes, they all get on really well so far. (well, apart from my two who seem to fight a great deal with each other!)

I don't want to impose my frequently warring kids on his nice polite ones. It might make his more rowdy Blush

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notremotelyintofootie · 19/02/2011 10:15

I think the key thing ia to take everything slowly.... Font rush to move in together if and when you get involved, keep your own space and your own routines, your kids need 1:1 time with you which you may find difficult to achieve if you are in in one house... You need to keep your own interests up too, dont get sucked into the needs of 4 kids and a dh at the expense of yourself....

Step parenting is bloody hard and in hindsight I think I would have kept a separate house from dh so that I can retain my Independence and not have to put off what I would want to do for the sake of not upsetting dsd.... But then I might not have had dd so it is swings and roundabouts but just take it slow and enjoy time together as a couple as long as possible before becoming step mum and dad...

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EverettUlyssesMcGill · 19/02/2011 10:24

Thankyou so much, that makes a lot of sense...I've not really tried to combine families before and I don't want to rush into it at all.

The vibe I get from him is that he loves people, loves to be around kids, and is a brilliant parent, but he would possibly quite like to have a relationship as well with someone (not necessarily me!).

So it can't be wrong, I think, at least to be good friends. Good advice about keeping separate houses though, we live very close, so not a problem really.

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tokenwoman · 19/02/2011 12:33

i think you're very wise in thinking ahead and the advice from me wouldbe take things slowly and dont let your heart rule your head (do as i say not as I do!) keep both houses (if and when things get closer to your man) its nice to have your own front door when things get rough as they do in any relationship esp where blended children are involved

Ive kept mine as I wanted my boys to have their own house rather than live in someone else's property where I felt they might be tiptoeing around, where they could have friends over, can make as much noise and mess as possible and only have me moaning at them and at least my parenting skills aren't questioned too much

the mistake I made was that its always me and mine going to his so make sure your man and DC spend time with you at yours and dont get lumbered with all the chores at both houses

it is possible to achieve and keep everyone happy its not easy believe me but it depends on how much you both want it to work, Ive been doing it now for 7 years, Ive never regretted keeping my house but if I had the chance again I would make some subtle changes to the actual day to day arrangements

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EverettUlyssesMcGill · 19/02/2011 13:26

Thankyou for such an honest and realistic portrayal of the way it might go.

We don't own a house but we rent and should be able to stay here for a few years - I hope. It's just round the corner.

I am so used to coping on my own that I would hesitate to ask him to do anything for me, though am happy to do things for him - I keep wanting to offer, knowing he can manage fine but it just is an instinct to want to do things for someone you like so much, isn't it. He also works full time so I would be happy to step in when he's busy or if he needs the kids looking after.

This is where I don't want to tread on toes - currently he and their mother are fairly flexible and so they would go to her if he was away on a work trip. I don't want to get in the way, or make her feel I was doing her parenting, and also I would feel a bit bad if she carried on doing everything like that and I wasn't part of it. I'd feel a bit useless!

So it's quite hard to work out what would be best. I wish I knew her better, we have never spoken very much. I have this urge to write her a letter asking her permission to fall in love with him - ridicuous, isn't it? But I want to do the right thing and it feels like they are a partnership, having children together and so on, despite being divorced. I feel I should ask her first.

I won't do that, don't worry, at least not until things were very clearly going to happen, which atm they're not.

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theredhen · 20/02/2011 21:20

The thing I would recommend is to put yourself and your own children first. Think about what you want and what is best for your children. Make things clear before you live together.

Ultimately you have to look after yourself and be strong about what you want. By all means compromise, but not so much that you end up losing your identity and independence.

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