Resigned to being a bit frustrated...

[notremotelyintofootie]

This is really just a rant over the whole stepkid thing and I know there's nothing to be done but need to vent a bit....

I have a good friend, don't have many friends, lots of aquaintances but don't seem to have friends, but I have known r for about 8 years now. I met her when I went back to uni after my divorce with my 4 year old ds... She is about 13 years younger than me but we hung out etc and get on really well, she was my chief bridesmaid when I married dh and is dd's non-god parent and basically an aunty to ds... She has met dsd (15) a couple if times and always gives her gifts etc but dsd blanks her totally whereas ds and dd cuddle her etc...

R is getting married this year and asked dd to be her flower girl, the wedding is about 5 hours away so we will need to stay over the night before and the night after.... I have looked into accommodation and basically if we take dd, ds and dsd we are looking at £300 plus food/drinks/travel/outfits etc.... If secular take dd and ds it's £100 as both 12 or under at the time!

Dh has said if dsd doesn't go ds can't go either... I can see what he is saying but dsd has no relationship with r whereas ds really does have and will be gutted to miss seeing aunty r being married!

Arghhhh it's so frustrating! Oh well....

[HattiFattner]

what does DSD want to do? Maybe if you acknowledge that she and your friend are not close like the other kids are, and ask her if she would like to come to the wedding,stay with her mum, or go visit a grandparent or a friend fro example?

I dont think you can deliberately not invite her,but I do think you should have a chat with her and give her some choices. AT 15,girls are more likely to want to hang out with her friends than go to a wedding.

However, she may surprise you -she may actually be really fond of your friend, but a typical teen in covering that affection with a veneer of indifference.

[notremotelyintofootie]

Problem is we can't afford to take all the kids so asking dsd won't help either way, she would just say yes as it would be a chance for her to try and sneak booze and get a new outfit! Lol

[notremotelyintofootie]

Lol mj if only it was that simple! Dh wouldn't make dsd share a room! Would be so much easier if the 'step' part wasn't there, my dd would be told to suck it up! Lol, Disney dad syndrome!

I have accepted that it will only be myself, dh and dd going it just sucks that this situation comes up again and again! I fantasise what life will be like in 18-20 years time when I can get my 2 seater sports car, stay out all night when I want to and get a lovely small pad to live in and do what I want when I want and occasionally visit the kids and grandkids! Lol

[notremotelyintofootie]

Thanks mj.... It's an ongoing battle I'm afraid.... Same story over dsd wanting to live here, she also wants to come on our second honeymoon/child free break in 2012! The next 6 months will see some changes though, either dh stops being a bloody disney dad Pratt or he become a single dad again!

It's funny though as tonight he has been worrying about his record collection and what will happen to that when he dies and I said he could either leave it to ds who treasures vinyl and listens to it daily or leave it to dsd who will dump it in the first skip or charity shop she sees... He actually agreed that she would do that so who knows... He might change!

[aLegonEachCorner]

notremotelyintofootie......are you sure, really sure you want to stay with this Disney dad? That would drive me potty!

SD is of an age where she can share or....stay home. She wants to come on you second honeymoon/childfree break? The clue is in the title here! "Child free". That would be a no from me.

She's not a young (young) child. Tell her, if she'd like to attend, it's on a sharing basis. If she doesn't because it's not that important a relationship to her, then that's perfectly understandable.

AND ALL THIS "TEENAGER SYNDROME" THEY IGNORE YOU ARE RUDE TO YOU IT'S THEIR HORMONES THEY CAN HELP IT CRAP IS PRECISELY THAT, IMO. CRAP!!

I call it bad manners and it's not acceptable.

[ChaoticAngelofAnarchy]

"Dh has said if dsd doesn't go ds can't go either..."

If I were you I'd be telling him that you, ds and dd are going and you're leaving him at home.

[emjanedel]

Can i understand that DS is a DS between you and that you both have a DD seperatly. My question is how does HE propose to tell DS that his mum, dad and sister are going to big event and he isn't allowed? I cannot understand how he can be so cruel. I have got to say i would take my children with me and leave him alone with his DD (after all aren't we stepmothers supposed to allow DSC time with their parent alone).

[ChaoticAngelofAnarchy]

emjanedel from reading the OP's other threads I understand that DS is the OP's child and she and her DH share a DD.

[catsmother]

Has SD actually been invited to this wedding ? You shouldn't have to tell a white lie but if she hadn't been invited - understandable if she always blanks the bride - then your DH can hardly force her upon the occasion anyway.

This whole thing is cruel anyway - to DS. When you have children who live in separate homes it's inevitable that they will become closer to different people because they are - for a large period of time - living separate lives ... different schools, different friends, different area, different interests. It's also hardly unusual that DS should have become close to his mother's friend over the years and he therefore deserves an invitation on his own merit .... whereas it sounds as if SD would only be going because her father insists and/or because she wants a new outfit, and not because she genuinely wants to share the day with the bride. She is also old enough to understand the principle of what I've just said ... I'm sure she gets to do lots of things with her mother too.

DH is behaving like a spoilt brat himself ... if this was just about affordability then something would have to be worked out - or none of the children go - but you couldn't exclude one. However, this is not only about affordability but also SD's relationship with the bride which makes it seem as if DH is being difficult for the sake of it. If she does go, then like MJ suggested, she will have to bloody well do what she's told and share a room - or not go at all. But frankly, if my DH were trying to stop my son from attending the wedding of a longstanding family friend that he'd known all his life ... just so as not to "offend" a 15 year old girl who couldn't give two hoots about it really, then, I'd go with both my children and leave him (DH) behind.

I think if your son ends up being excluded from this he'd be dreadfully upset and I'm afraid he would also be upset with you for not sorting it out.

[notremotelyintofootie]

Thanks, my friend hasn't issued the formal invites yet but she is so nice and generous that she is bound to include dsd on the invite despite the lack of interest etc towards her...

Yes ds is mine, dsd is dh's and dd is between us....

I know what you mean about ds being disappointed at being missed out because if dsd and I an only see it deepening the gap between them! Ds is already aware that dsd doesnt think much of him, her blatant ignoring and lack of thought at Xmas despite ds taking time and money to choose a lovely Xmas pressie for her has shown him that.... It may improve or get worse if she moves in but I won't tolerate rudeness if she moves in, ds deserves much more than that!

I might have a chat with my friend about it....

[emjanedel]

Its your DP you need to be talking to - asking you to puinish your son for his daughters problems what would happen if it was the other way round.

[lateatwork]

as a child and a teenager, i cant ever remember my relationship with the bride and groom being a factor on whether or not I was taken to the wedding by my parents. I couldnt imagine my dad saying 'well you dont like her anyway and your sister does so we are just going to take your sister...' I think this should be the same scenario here. If you have DSD over that weekend, then I would imagine that you should take her. BUT as MJ said, she should be sharing a room... why not share one with DS?

[notremotelyintofootie]

We don't have set weekends, the idea is that she can come when she wants to be in reality she hasn't bothered since before Xmas.....

No way will she share with ds and dh would never let that happen...

[lateatwork]

hmmm i see your predictament then...