My feed
Premium

Please
or
to access all these features

Connect with other Mumsnetters here for step-parenting advice.

Step-parenting

What would you do about this lady?

39 replies

aLegonEachCorner · 17/02/2011 11:52

Here's the situation.

My DH was married previously. He has kids from his previous marriage. I came along 4 yrs after his divorce. He has good contact with his kids and the eldest is due to graduate this year. It is a special occasion, obviously.

His exW had an affair which devastated him as she refused to give up her lover. The affair had lasted some 3 years. They are no longer together and his ex would have returned to my DH following the split from her lover, given the chance. I had come along by then. We are now married and very happy and I get on ok with his kids.

However, his exW will NOT attend her daughter's graduation if we do. She says (via the kids) that she doesn't want things to be awkward for her daughter but I think it's more about her not feeling awkward/embarrassed.

I very very much like my SD. She is a pleasure and I would love to go to the graduation celebration though I have said I shan't if it would be a problem for her or her mum. It seems that the ExW is still not happy with this.....she wants neither me NOR HER EX-HUSBAND to attend. Or she won't go. God knows what'll happen when the SD gets married.....it's ludicrous.

I see this woman frequently. I had thought, some time ago to say hello. I know who she is, she knows who I am etc, we're all adults! But I was warned not to. The ExW is behaving like the "wronged woman". She had the affair; she ended the marriage; she is still on her own as the chap she was seeing went back to his wife. Her ExH has now moved on and is happy AND SHE DIDN'T WANT HIM ANYWAY!!

What's going on? What would you suggest. I KNOW SD wants her mum at the graduation. I know I would.

OP posts:
Report
chelen · 17/02/2011 12:39

Hi,

I'm new here but have been lurking a while, hello! I'm a stepmum but all this is years away as my DBS is still in primary school.

Your post is all about the mum, and not about your SD - is this how her mum likes it!!?

I can imagine that your SD would like her mum there - but surely she has a right at her age to invite anyone she chooses? She presumably wants her dad there too.

How about speaking to your SD, or your partner, about how she could take control and express herself as an adult e.g. simply send RSVP invites to named people to cut all the chatter and threats.

My gran wouldn't go to my parents wedding as it wasn't in her chosen church, but that was her choice - decades later my parents are ok with the fact that they chose what they wanted and she chose to cut off her nose to spite her face.

Hope it works out x

Report
Boozilla · 17/02/2011 12:44

Seems to me that she's throwing her weight about to get what she wants and hiding behind a veil of "well I don't want it to be awkward".

Agree with Chelen, the SD is old enough to express her own wishes here and the stepmum shouldn't be putting anyone in a position where they have to choose. Sadly, adults can't always be relied upon to behave as adults in these situations!

What has SD said? I would suggest it is made clear that EVERYONE is invited and those who choose not to go are doing exactly that, CHOOSING not to go.

What's your DH's take on all this?

Report
Tobytyke · 17/02/2011 12:45

She is the one being unreasonable - it sounds like she is jealous to me.

She is the one spoiling things for her daughter.Everyone should share special occassions like this.

Report
magicjamas · 17/02/2011 12:51

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

magicjamas · 17/02/2011 12:52

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tallpoppies · 17/02/2011 13:13

I would talk to sd about it if you have a good relationship. Explain that both yourself and her dad would dearly love to go to the graduation but that her mum has said she will not attend if either of you go. Ask her to speak to her mum about how much she would like it for you all to be able to attend - you don't have to speak to each other after all!!
It sets a very uncomfortable precedent if you bow down to the ex's wishes on this one as she will think that this is how she can behave in the future. Who knows, she may even twist it to sd that you and your husband don't want to go / can't be bothered.
I know that what you want is for sd to be happy but I would just be very very wary iof giving in on this one as I suspect that what would make sd the happies is for you all to be there and the only thing that will spoil this are the selfish actions of her mother!

Report
jaffacake79 · 17/02/2011 13:20

Poor kid, she's stuck between a rock and a hard place!

Report
aLegonEachCorner · 17/02/2011 13:22

Yes, thought so. There's an element of "I (ExW) buggered it up and now I can't face it" ie, the consequences, years later, of having jeopardised her marriage to a good man (and he's my good man now, so I know of what I speak!). Before I became a permanent fixture, she wanted to "chat" and be sensible and adult about things.....now she feels he (DH) has abandoned his children and remarried "another woman" BUT I CAME ALONG YEARS AFTER THEIR SPLIT !!! It's senseless.

My DH has said, rightly that he is enormously proud of his lovely daughter and he will be there. No question. He wants me there with him and the daughter would like me there too.

majicjamas....what's "dbds" and "DBS"? I get confused. Takes very little, at my age! Crikey, there'd be no scene from us. I don't "do" scenes....more likely to smile and nod and say polite "hellos" even when I want to throttle someone. No, there's NO QUESTION of a scene. I know it's going to be such a lovely, special day and I'm astonished that the mother chooses (and Boozilla, you're correct, it would be the ExW's choice) not to go.

Oh, Boozilla I (aLegonEachCorner) am the step-mum. I'm not asking anyone to choose and even said, I wouldn't go if it was a choice between her mum or me (obviously!) but, the girl's mum doesn't even want her exH to go, the actual father. Madness!!

OP posts:
Report
turkeyboots · 17/02/2011 13:28

My parents did this to us after they got divoriced, as did PiL. It is a nightmare and really upsetting. Both my parents went to mine and DB graduations and it was a horrible tense time as my DM behaved really badly. Which is not how it should be.

Help your SD draw up some options which she'd happy with and see which her mum chooses?

Report
tallpoppies · 17/02/2011 13:29

I can only think that this woman must be stark raving mad to even entertain the thought of not going to her daughter's graduation, just because you or her former husband would be there. My god, if it were my daughter I would be there come hell or high water - even if I had to sit next to my worst enemy!
Bloody lunatic!

Report
aLegonEachCorner · 17/02/2011 13:32

Yes, that's my thinking too tallpoppies.

My own son's only little but I need little encouragement to celebrate how utterly fantastic HE is!!

Not one single thing would keep me away!

OP posts:
Report
Boozilla · 17/02/2011 13:40

Sorry, meant to say the mum shouldn't be putting pressure on anyone!

I have heard of ex's not wanting new partners to go to something, but to deny the FATHER the chance to see his daughter's graduation?? Nuts.

I think you should just go, tell SD that there will be no scene as far as you are concerned and that you are really looking forward to sharing her special day. What her mum decides from that point is up to her!

Report
beijingaling · 17/02/2011 13:56

Sadly I know of a number of mums who have done this. My friend was a miss new Zealand finalist and her mum refused to go. You're doing the right thing by giving your sd space to choose.

Report
post · 17/02/2011 14:00

Poor girl. What will happen if she ever gets married? Will your dh not be able to go to that either?

Report
magicjamas · 17/02/2011 14:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

stubbornhubby · 17/02/2011 14:17

it's pretty simple -

  • if she invites you, then go and be nice to everyone esle who is there
  • if she doesn't invite you, be sad but don't sulk.
Report
JaxTellersOldLady · 17/02/2011 14:18

agree with the others, it is EXW choice not to go.

Go along and hold your head high. She is being an idiot and if you let her do this now when your SD gets married/has a baby it will get worse.

Report
poolet · 17/02/2011 14:26

I echo what subbornhubby says (well, you can sulk, but keep it to yourself Smile).

Very often, invitations to graduation ceremonies are limited due to lack of space. Our DD was only allowed 3 guests each, so ex-h gave up his ticket to the grandparents. Therefore there may not be a choice.

Yes, be lead by SD while reassuring her whatever happens you won't cause any upset for her on her special day.

Report
glasscompletelybroken · 17/02/2011 15:00

If your SD is graduating then she is not a kid. If she wants you all to be there then she should invite all of you and of course you will want to be there on such an occassion.

The only person responsible for her mothers behaviour is her mother and if she wants to behave badly and spoil things for her daughter then that has to be her decision. She is not a wronged woman and she needs to grow up and stop feeling sorry for herself.

It will set a precedent for other big family events if she is allowed to dictate what happens here.

Report
aLegonEachCorner · 17/02/2011 15:41

stubbornhubby and poolet.....I'm not sulking!!! I've been invited with her dad (as a couple) and her mum has also, rightly, been invited. It's her mum that's not wanting to go if DH and I go.

I'm delighted to have been asked and included.

Happy step-parent, here!

OP posts:
Report
aLegonEachCorner · 17/02/2011 15:46

Oh yes poolet, you're right about limited tickets. It may be that there are only 2 available so, in that case I WOULD SIMPLY ASSUME one for SD's Mum and one for her Dad and they could just avoid each other on the day!!

But, as I say Mum doesn't want to go at all IF DAD GOES so then........wasted single ticket.

What a bloody performance!

Thanks all, for the input.

OP posts:
Report
aLegonEachCorner · 17/02/2011 16:10

post....if/when she gets married her dad will be there. I will be there too, if I am invited.

End of.

OP posts:
Report

Don’t want to miss threads like this?

Weekly

Sign up to our weekly round up and get all the best threads sent straight to your inbox!

Log in to update your newsletter preferences.

You've subscribed!

stubbornhubby · 17/02/2011 16:16

i'm not sure what the issue is then.. SD has invited you, you are pleased to be going... have a good time!

the other guests aren't really your problem, your responsibility is just to be nice/polite to them on the day. if the turn up.

Report
Smum99 · 17/02/2011 17:26

This is common.

My BIL had this situation at his graduation despite parents having been split up for years. Odd logic is that the mum felt if she refused to go it showed that the dad was obviously in the wrong. Actually I think it was because she didn't have a partner at the time and felt awkward. Sad fact is that no one cared as it wasn't about her!!

My BIL, despite being only 21, called her bluff. He pointed out that there would be numerous ocassions that he would need both his parents to attend. Engagement, weddings, christening, children's parties and he should be asked to take sides. MIL kicked up a noise but relented and everyone went along and played nicely..It was over, principal established and he no longer has to worry about picking a parent..what a relief. If she can stand it I would call her bluff -state that both parents are invited, whether they can attend is up to them.My guess is that she will back down and is just trying to make the event about her. Daughter doesn't need to engage in a conversation with the mum, she can politely state and keep restating both parents are invited.It really is the best approach - no child should be asked to choose. Please let us know how it goes.

Report
Smum99 · 17/02/2011 17:28

Shouldn't type and cook dinner - meant to say the principle here is that the 'child' should NOT have to choose or take sides.

Report
Please create an account

To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.