From his point of view...

[theredhen]

DP and I have had a couple of nice long chats and I wanted to post as if he had done so, just so I can get a feel for what other people think.

"Have been with my DP for nearly 3 years. My ex wife left me for another man 5 years ago taking my 4 kids with her. I have contact on Fri from school til Mon taking to school every other weekend and then 1 night in the week from and to school as well, I also have them for half the holidays but this sometimes works out as more than half, which I am very happy about. I love my kids loads and want them around me all the time, I've never been to court, but have had loads of hassle from my ex mainly when she tries to limit contact when she feels lonely. I speak to my kids everyday and get involved in their schooling and running them around when it's not my day to have contact.

We live in a house that is owned by the company I work for. I've been here for a long time and my ex wife lived here, so the kids all have their old rooms and there is continued stability in their life here. I work mainly from or within a few miles of home, so am around all the time. DP works 4 or 5 days a week out of the house several miles away.

DP has a son who lives with us most of the time, he does have contact with his Dad but this is always when my kids are with their Mum. This means that we get some adult time which I love and I like to take DP out to dinner and generally have some special couple time. Where we live means there is a lot of driving to be done and I do a lot of this for DP's son as she is often at work or doing houseworky type stuff. When we have my kids, I help out with the cooking by preparing veg etc and I always do the washing up. I always back her up if she asks my kids to do something and she has implemented a few house rules which I think my kids are responding to well. DP does the shopping and all the washing, general tidying etc and we have a cleaner for everything else. If it fits in with her work or with the ferrying around of DP son, she will do some ferrying for my kids too.

When I make arrangements with my ex wife to see the kids, I never know what sort of reaction I am going to get. DP has recently got upset and has mentioned before that she would like to be "consulted" before I make arrangements. She says that she wants to spend just 1 day every 6 weeks (ie. the school holidays) with her son without my kids being there. She says she really misses that time with him and says the odd hour in the evening that she gets with him is not enough and weekends are always taken up with my children. There have been a few ocassions she has taken her son out to see her family or friends without my kids but she says she feels guilty when she does that. She says our home doesn't feel like her home, but I try to consult her on things and we have re-decorated the old marital bedroom completely. She broke down in tears the other day saying she just wants one day at home with her son without being consumed by 4 other children. She says her son is so busy trying to "fit in" with my kids that she never sees him when my kids are here and I must admit she spends a lot more time with my girls than the boys - I think the girls seek her out and I know both her and them enjoy some feminine conversation. She is good with my kids and I know they think the world of her but I can't help feeling she is being a bit precious of her only child. Surely we are one big family of 7 now? I will not see my children any less and in fact am looking forward to having them more as I can now have them when I am at work all day and the eldest ones can look after the youngest, meaning I will get time with them in the evening before they go to bed. DP says this isn't fair on her, but I would be doing this if she wasn't here, so I feel it is unfair of her to try and limit this. I already leave her with the children when I work a few hours at weekends and before school and when 1 of the children needs taking somewhere, obviously the others stay at home with her, but I would be leaving them home alone anyway as they are all teenager age anyway apart from the 7 yr old.

What do you think?"

[seriouslycantbebothered]

she is only asking for ond day . I think you are really selfish

[catsmother]

Dear Mr Redhen,

From what I can recall of your DP's previous posts about your family setup, what you're saying now doesn't quite ring true and I think there's a lot of stuff you've conveniently forgotten to mention which makes it all the more important your DP and her son get to spend a little bit of time together, on their own, without any guilt tripping or sulking from you.

[UC]

Dear Mr Redhen (like that, catsmother!)

Do you ever spend time with your DP's son on his own? Do you ever do any of the running round taking your DP's son anywhere? Your DP spends a lot of time looking after your children. This should be shared.

You say "when I make arrangements with my exwife to see the kids", have you discussed any of this beforehand with your DP?

I am also a step mum and mum - in the school holidays, I also want to spend some time with just my children. They need it, I need it. My step children get to spend time with just their mum, in that little family unit, and my children need that too. Likewise, my step children also need and want to spend time with their dad, my DP, without me and my children around. We make time for that. If we don't, jealousy rears its ugly head from time to time. Yes, we need to spend time together as a big step-family, but each component part of that step-family also needs to be secure in the love of their parent.

So, I also think it is unreasonable of you to be annoyed that your DP wants to spend 1 day every 6 weeks with just her DS! In fact, your whole family would probably be much happier if they did do that.

Sounds to me as though you want your DP to do all the bending and compromising here. That isn't fair.

[theredhen]

"Yes, I spend time with DP son when I take him to school bus etc. I will always offer DP to pick him up from anywhere and will get the tea on for us sometimes when DP is at work even when my kids aren't here. I have helped him with his homework sometimes. I'm not ignoring the boy. He is irritating sometimes though.

I don't see why I should discuss it with DP because it's hard enough trying to tie ex wife down without someone else trying to re-arrange things. DP says she doesn't want me to see less of my kids, but I feel like she wants me to by dictating when I should see them. I really don't understand why she wants time on her own with her DS. She gets the nuts and bolts of the parenting by seeing her son every morning before school and when she gets home from work. I have to go a week sometimes without seeing my kids and I hate it because I miss them so much. She has offered for me to have time with my kids without her and her DS and she has some of my kids sometimes while I do get one to one time with the others but I don't specifically seek it out and it's not generally of great quantity anyway. I would certainly never spend a whole day with 1 child and not the others.

[theredhen]

Thank you all so much for your replies and if there are any more, please keep them coming.

I really want to show DP these posts but I need to find a way to do that without him following me on here. He does comment that message boards like these though, are full of bitter women, so maybe he won't take much notice anyway.

Slimbo - I posted on "relationships" a week or so ago about my home not feeling like my home. See if you can find it. Poor Abip is having similar issues too.

Oh yes, I love it everytime I go to a kitchen drawer and find another super duper gadget she left behind or photo's all over the house that she had taken of the kids or paintings she had done for the kids. But, I think it is DP attitude that is the real issue when it comes to the house, although I do think he really tries. Ultimately it is home and I have no say here at all. He could kick me out tomorrow, but it is rent / mortgage free and to go and get a 5 bed detached house (which is what we have here) just to say it is "ours" would be so costly, it would be mad.

[wildfish]

I was trying to avoid coming here , but what the heck...

From a dad ... not embittered woman :)

I think it is only fair that the DP get some 1-1 time with her child, especially since he is 7 and the others are teens? While I understand the desire to treat you all as one family, committed to the whole, the 1-1 is something that used to happen, and will be missed by both. Perhaps she is explaining it wrongly, like a rejection of you and your kids instead of something they need (can't really explain it myself), but really stop reading it as a rejection and let them have that time, it will only be good overall. PS 1 day in six weeks? Come on, she's being really generous with that little. Personally you should begrudge more.

On the consulting side, I do feel you are more in the right, and it is a shame your DP cannot understand the pressure when dealing with a crazy ex, of how Dads are always second class when it comes to dealing with Mums. Harder for a mum to understand since she is likely to win 90% of the time. However I would hope that your DP doesn't want consulting to stop your kids coming over. If that is the case then she is saying this is your, her and her sons home, and your kids are visitors only. I think that is wrong. You and her are together now, and IMO the house is the whole families house, and that if she had teens, then they should be welcomed in too, just because they are forced into a split lives doesn't mean they are only visitors on day x,y,z.

[wildfish]

Sorry "shouldn't begrudge more" oops

[theredhen]

Wildfish, DSD 4 is 7 yrs old, my DS is 12, a similar age to DP eldest 3.

With regards to the consulting, I want that because I have 3 jobs that I do 4/5 days a week on set days and whilst sometimes i can swap things round, it's not always possible, with a bit of foresight I could arrange to have a day off on a day the step children aren't here meaning I would get that 1 day I am asking for. I don't see how I can get 1 day at home with DS at all without this co-operation from DP. I can go out with DS and leave DSC at home, but surely 1 day every few months at home with DS doing "normal" stuff is realistic too? Whilst I realise that ex wife may not fit in, at least DP would be trying to get that time for me. I don't want him to stop seeing his kids at all, but I do want some juggling to be considered on his side, rather than just from me.

[wildfish]

Sorry mixing up the ages. Still think its reasonable at 12 to have 1-1 time. Perhaps can see why he may feel otherwise given ages, but still think its reasonable to get 1-1 time and he should help.

But I still find it unreasonable to "consult" whether his kids should come over.

What would you do if these kids were yours?

Or what if suddenly their mum died and they were at yours 24x7. I think you have to let this be their home too and stop thinking damn visitors.

After that if you can honestly say ,,,, I would do this if they were my five kids, then ....

[catsmother]

Dear Mr Redhen,

"I don't see why I should discuss it with DP because it's hard enough trying to tie ex wife down without someone else trying to re-arrange things. DP says she doesn't want me to see less of my kids, but I feel like she wants me to by dictating when I should see them."

Errrmmm ..... you "should" discuss it with your DP because she is supposed to be your equal and because it's her home too. She is NOT the flipping housekeeper you know and just because your ex wife may be unco-operative, that doesn't mean you take out your frustration by being so contemptuous towards Mrs Redhen. She is NOT dictating - she simply wants to be consulted. Regardless of the fact they are your children, fact is, they DON'T live with you full time and that means that when they do come over the household dynamics change, just as they would with anyone who comes to stay. It is courteous to talk with your partner otherwise you are effectively saying to her that her feelings and opinions come below those of yourself and your ex wife. Without talking to her you have no idea (unless you are a mind reader) of the impact an unexpected visit might have upon other plans.

It is perfectly normal in most families for individual children to spend 1 to 1 time with either parent every so often. There is nothing sinister about this and no offence should be taken. It does not mean the breakdown of the "one big happy family" unit and indeed, usually smooths relations over so each child is made to feel "special" now and again. This is particularly important when parents work and when there are several children. Seeing your children fleetingly 1st thing, or after a long day at school
/work is NOT quality time. If you personally feel this isn't important that's fine but you have no right to dictate what Mrs Redhen "should" be feeling about the same topic. I wonder quite frankly why you are so anti the very small amount of time with her DS she is asking for ? .... could it be that heaven forbid you might be left with 4 children - your children BTW, the ones you say you miss so much - all on your own ??!! Why make such a fuss otherwise ?

[theredhen]

Of course it is their home too but when dp and ex are arranging when kids come, is it not right that they ask the woman who will be doing 50 percent of the care? The simple question like this is what i am asking for" i'd like to have kids x y and z day, does that suit you redhen? There is one day i wont be having them and as it doesnt matter to me what day that is, do you have a preference?" That is what i am asking for. IF the kids lived with us full time, this wouldnt be an issue, althogh there may be other issues. I moved in with dp knowing that he has kids as often as he does. I realise that could change, but it is as it is for now.

[catsmother]

There is a very important difference between moving in knowing he had the skids often, and the reality of never knowing exactly when that "often" is !!

In other words, if he had them 3 days a week you were fine about the quantity but you want to know, with reasonable notice, courtesy and an opportunity to veto unsuitable days, when those 3 days are going to fall.

[catsmother]

Mr Redhen is basically saying that HE wants to do whatever HE wants with HIS kids whenever HE wants without any prior consultation.

On the other hand Mrs Redhen is NOT allowed to spend some rare 1 to 1 time with her son even though she has the courtesy to actually ask Mr Redhen if he can help her out with this very very occasionally.

Total hypocrisy. Why does he get to call all the shots ??

[theredhen]

I want to spend time with DP alone (I get this), I want to spend time with all the kids (I get this), I want a small amount of one to one time with step kids so I can build a positive relationship with them. (I get this). I want one to one time of a decent quality with my DS, ie. one day each school holiday (I don't get this).

DP wants his kids to live with us all the time (step kids have told grandparents etc that they don't want this, but do like the current amount of contact), DP wants us all to be one happy family 24/7, DP wants to leave his kids for extended periods but be able to come home knowing they are there for him to spend time with.

Which one of us is being realistic?

[Abip]

Ah redhen I totally sympathise. I think it all comes down to the home and the previous life.

No amount of decorating will change the marital home. He must compromise as all that will happen is you will become resentful (like me!!)

I totally understand the consulting.Your not saying he cant have the children but would simply like to be consulted. For crying out loud its your home too. How would he like you to invite your mother for instance over for a few days and not even tell him??

Unfortunately men can be extremley selfish, and women all giving. It just ends up with the woman being sidelined which is a big no no cos as far as i'm concerned my home life is extremley important to me. You know, my house is my castle And when its not it makes me miserable

[theredhen]

From Mr Redhen... "MJ, I have always fought to see my kids more, even before Mrs Redhen. I always did the washing but I got someone else to do the ironing. The cleaning got done.... not as often as now, but that didn't bother me. Mrs Redhen does my ironing and hers and DS, but I get my older kids to do their own ironing."

You know I can't pick fault too much with the domestic arrangements - Mr Redhen is very good like that - not up to my standard, but he's OK.

Ultimately I just feel that I made so many sacrifices and that I ask for so little in return, but he is denying me that. I just feel that by moving in, he feels I have to give up my right to get at least something of what I want.

I also know that if I don't get what I want, then my relationship with DS is going to suffer and I feel that I am letting DS down in my parenting of him.

As it is, I have juggled my work around, having to ask 4 people to re-arrange their plans to fit around things, so I will get what I want, my 1 day at home with DS, but what really matters to me is that DP was obstructive at worst and unhelpful and inconsiderate at worst and I don't think I can go through this every 6 weeks. I should never have moved in, I know that now, but I love DP and didn't want to lose him. He either needs to be able to compromise or I have to move out and risk losing him, but I can't carry on like this.