DD hates SM

[blondie1968]

My 11 year old daughter has an on/off relationship with her SM. I am aware I may come across as unreasonable but really don't want to. DD says SM only likes her when she dresses like her (very different personality from me) and does what she says. SM has no children of her own. Have tried to discuss with ex in past but he always backs up SM. Odd as he's usually quite overbearing, lol. DD now refusing to visit father if "she" is there. Haven't interfered too much in the past due to it being thrown back in my face and I understand they may have different rules in their house etc but it seems to be escalating. If I try to resolve it, I'll be blamed for turning DD against them, or DD will be told off for discussing with me. DD constantly being told I have no taste in clothes, that they "pay out hundreds every month" to me (they don't, he pays the absolute minimum CSA instructed him to pay which is less than he spends on drink every month) and basically treat me like the hired childcare rather than her mother so anything I say will not be readily addressed. However, despite all this, I'd rather she had a positive relationship with both of them. Help!

[mdoodledoo]

I'm a childless StepMum but this situation does sound a bit icky (it's a technical term!) - I can only offer an idea: when you're first trying to build a relationship with the kids you do tend to hook on to anything that will help develop rapport - perhaps the clothes thing is something to do with that? In time, when the relationship is more solid, it becomes more normal and so you feel more able to let go of the particular things that you found comfortable areas/topics in the beginning. This can be even more likely if she hasn't got lots of experience with kids - she'll likely be terrified and getting all sorts of things wrong.

That said - I can't offer any perspective on her making derogatory comments about you. That's not rapport, that's just points scoring and she shouldn't be doing it.

In the early days of my StepParenting there was the odd little comment that would go back to mum which was misrepresented and misunderstood - not quite what I said, or not the way it was meant. It did cause some upset - but once the kids got to know me, the way I communicate, my sense of humour etc, and mum got to know me too it all ironed out and there aren't any problems at all now.

But - if your DD's SM has gotten into feeling competitive then it may stay difficult - I hope there's a way for you to get through to your Ex if this is the case. Unless you do want him back (& it doesn't sound that way), then she's got no need to be tricksy with you. In terms of your DD - I wonder if she's just trying in the wrong ways and making things difficult for herself, your DD and everyone else. I can't condone her nasty comments, but is there a way to give her a chance to get better at StepParenting?

[Greeninkmama]

Sounds hideous. I think my advice would be to remember that you can't control what goes on in your exh's home. You can't control what the SM says (horrible though it is). All you can do is help your daughter to deal with it as best you can.

I would work on the basis that she really does need to see her dad, and that the relationship with the SM might improve over time. Let her tell you what they say, and keep calm when you reply - for example, with the "hundreds every month" I would say something along the lines of "people often have different ideas about money, I know. daddy gives me money for you and I work for money, so we both pay for everything you need" or something and then leave it at that unless she wants to question you further. Don't let her see that it gets to you - she basically needs to offload to you as a rational adult and that will really help her deal with the irrational and unpleasant behaviour of the SM and dad.

The hardest thing about split families is realising that your DC isn't just yours. When you stay together, your kids have to put up with your failings - and when you split, your kids do too, but they don't have the other parent around to mediate. It's tough, but you can't really solve it.

[SecondMrsS]

I'm sorry you are going through this, as someone who has a lot of respect for her DDs step mum and feels 100% that she is a good influence, I can't imagine how stressful it must be to not feel secure in the fact that DD is happy when she is with her dad.

What i will say (and i have offered this advice before and been shot down in flames) My 12 year old DSD has said some completely untrue things to her mum about me. I never had any idea why she hated me so much but an accidental leaving open of her facebook showed that she had basically told her mum I made lots of comments about how she was 'old 'lazy' 'never buys her anything' etc etc.

She can't explain why she does it, personally I think that DSD thinks it's what her mum wants to hear - although i have no idea if that is what is going on in your family with limited information.

I could be way off the mark, but it's worth being mindful of how an 11/12 year old will interpret things and how they will 'redistribute' information to keep people happy.

Could you try 'ignoring' the things she says and see if it stops when she gets no attention for passing on this information to you?

[blondie1968]

thank you all for your comments - I spoke with ex four times today - he insists I send her and "show her who is in charge". Also rang me with his wife in the background wailing (I do mean wailing) and crying about how she was so hurt and all she had ever done was try, why was DD being so horrible, everybody likes her, so problem must be with DD. DD with me tonight, but now refusing to go her Gran's tomorrow (ex's mum) as he'll probably turn up and shout at her or hit her (this worries me a little) and she's been begging me to find someone to pick her up after school. Oh, and he's going into school tomorrow as he's not happy she's told them about it. He said things are private and shouldn't be discussed with others. Looks like mediation won't go down too well then!

[blondie1968]

oh and the "redistribution of information" is what he calls plain old lying. He said nothing is wrong with his house, he backs his wife 100%, every time, even if it means losing his DD. Oh dear.

[blondie1968]

ex absolutely will not go to any sort of counselling - he doesn't think he's in the wrong at all. DD backing herself into a corner by refusing to talk to him but he's helping her by his attitude. I have no doubt she has been happy going there in the past but it has all deteriorated and I am stuck firmly in the middle. Am not looking at DD through rose tinted specs, I know she can bend situations and resents being told what to do. On the other had, ex was extremely controlling with me and I had problems coping with it, so do worry that she'll cope even worse if he continues as he is and doesn't have a calm conversation with her. As it is, she is flatly refusing to have anything to do with him.

[SecondMrsS]

Could you go along for his contact time? Or send a friend or relitive your DD trusts? Have you ever seen DD in your ex and his wife's company?

[Greeninkmama]

Blondie, I would tell your dd that she has to go to her dad's - apart from anything else he has legal rights to access. She and he do need to sort things out between them, and I am not sure how much you can help with that. But I don't see why she has to go to her granny's - would definitely let her off that one. Give her control of what she does where she can, but tell her time with her dad is non-negotiable (unless there is a genuine safety issue).

The SM wailing in the background is pathetic. But you could pretend to take her seriously and ask if she wants to meet for a cup of tea or something.

And I would ask the school if your DD can have some counselling there - so that she has an objective adult to talk to. Sounds to me like you are doing your best to be as objective as you can (and you sound really balanced about the situation) but it might help your DD to be able to offload to someone else too.

[prettyfly1]

Oh god what a mare and firstly can I say how very reasonable and fair minded you sound!!!! This must be so difficult for you, and you are doing absolutely the right things in giving your dd a voice but not blanket banning contact for your own agenda, which happens so often. The thing that struck me about your dd is her age. Is there any chance that her dad is a lot stricter then you? Perhaps she feels more comfortable with your rules and is acting out. FWIW I wouldnt see what she is doing as outright lying, more that teens and step children tend to have a way of looking at things that doesnt always make sense to grown ups.

Oh and wailing in the background is ludicrous behaviour. She could well have contacted you herself if she is really bothered without the nonsensical attention seeking.

[blondie1968]

Hello One and All and thank you once again for your help with this - dd and dad still not talking, he won't meet "just to listen to her lies" and she's now blankly refusing to discuss. SM tried to call her at her grans, gran wouldn't put her on phone as she was crying and gran said wasn't right way to handle it. SM put phone down on gran so now she's in trouble with her own son for "upsetting my wife". It's going round and round in circles. DD planning on how to remove her possessions from her dads so it's pretty serious. I've told him I think this is a ridiculous situation and as the adult, he has to take action to remedy it. He said they are doing nothing wrong, DD just has to say sorry to wife, admit she's lying and take her punishment. Now I'm getting reticent about meetiing if that's how it's going to go! BTW - we were never married and he has no parental rights - I just wanted to promote a good relationship with them so have always encouraged access.

[prettyfly1]

I agree with magicjamas in the main and support her but I have concerns about the step mother calling up crying. That sounds ridiculous when dealing with a ten year old girl and the grandmother was right to do that. There does sound like both sides are behaving really quite badly - poor you stuck in the middle.

[blondie1968]

Ex is adamant daughter will provide full (and very public) apology to SM before he can even think about forgiving her. Is still completely on wife's side, will not entertain idea that all is not rosy, whatever the truth is. I do not know if DD is telling the truth, but I do feel she at least has the right to be heard by her dad, which isn't looking likely. Yes, she is backing herself into a corner, but he is her father and he has to address this himself. I am keeping the lines of communication open, but I have also been told by him that I need to learn what their house rules are so I can adopt them for my house. He is lashing out at me now at every opportunity. I have been forbidden from discussing it with anybody (so he'd be furious I'm on here!). I cannot in all honesty send my DD for an overnight visit if SM is continuing to behave in such an emotional manner. You really do have to hear it to believe it. She is incoherent, crying about how she can never forgive "that child", how she put her before her own family (nieces and nephews, no children of her own). It's just too much for my DD who has had panic attacks for the last year anyway. Ex will not consider contact unless full contact, with overnight stay. DD hysterical at suggestion. Looks like stalemate. I will add am not pushover, haven't intefered in how DD is parented whilst there and have worked incredibly hard to foster relationship. Ex has threatened to disappear with DD before, SM asked if she would like to live with them if I die (confirmed by another source who was present) and they regularly belittle me in front of her. I do think that I have tried my hardest in difficult circumstances. I appreciate comments about her laying down the rules, and about how he is entitled to see her but without going into the full history, a lot of parents would have stepped in long before now. I have always resisted that line as I've had a difficult relationship with a step parent and wouldn't wish that on my DD for the world.

[Smum99]

Seems like the situation has just escalated and is now too highly charged to have rational debates. Just wonder if everyone can find a way to reduce the emotion - maybe just time - say a week. The dad is feeling very hurt and betrayed by the lies and forcing a tough line which isn't going to work with a highly resistant child.

How to break the cycle? Can the grandmum help, does your daughter talk to anyone on her dad's family? An aunt etc. I can see that the dad might feel your agenda is not quite neutral given your shared history so unwiling to talk to you.Maybe not 100% right but understandable.

A strategy that might work is to encourage your daughter to talk about the good times she has had with her dad, what and when, try to get her to focus on the memories and help her see that all relationships has problems and sometimes need work.
What specifcially does she need him to do to make her feel more comfortable? Is it just about comments she feels they make about you?

If contact was going OK, what has changed? What is new in your daughter's life? Anything at home, school, dad's house?

I would also not underestimate the impact of her age - grief my lovely daughter had me running for parenting books when she was this age, it got better but overnight she became more feisty which I just didn't expect.

I hope it works out, shame if a pre teen strop forces her to lose her relationship with her dad - she may regret that at some stage.

[prettyfly1]

Yes but it isnt just her is it. We are all really good at being kind to other step mums on here so it isnt often I get a bit "hmmmm" with another but really? She is incoherent and refusing to see "that child", crying down the phone at her grandmother demanding to talk to a ten year old girl. That is utterly outrageous and even if your daughter has told some porkies, the step in this case is behaving like a pre teen herself.

I think you need to take a real step back. Your ex has no right to tell you how to parent, and whilst consistency IS really important to a child it has to be based on BOTH parents thoughts and needs, not one behaving like a bit of a brat himself.

I agree with the sentiments of those who have told you to take some time away - whether she has been dishonest or not all this het up behaviour is absolutely no good for your daughter at all and is likely to get entirely out of control. Tell them to go and take some space for a time, take your daughter out for a bit to let her calm down, give her half term in peace then have a chat with her in a week or so and see how she feels.