A new home?

[Abip]

I wanted to ask the step-parents here whether buying a home together with your dp's have helped at all?

I was hoping to buy a home together to get a bit of neutral ground.

Had another weekend of headaches and stress. Dp put something away and i could not find it, spent an hour looking for it and dss found it in the loft.

We went food shopping and were still arguing (ridculous as its just a car stereo but all my things get put away and I never find them, just confirms in my mind that its not my home)

Dp says well when your calm you can thank dss for finding it. Well talk about red rag to a bull!!! DSS does nothing !!! No job sits in bed at midday no work around the house etc...

This resulted in dp getting out of the car and walking home. I went home about half hour later. When I got home dss had just got up, we all argued.

DSS had the cheek to say I am fucking miserable and he wishes Id fuck off. I said you do nothing and sponge whilst me and your dad pay to keep the house going and he should be doing more, and he said to me you could do more!!! (For those who dont know I am at college full-time, working evenings and weekends also)

I have had it. I have told dp I will do nothing for him, and if he wants to indulge this behaviour he does so but does NOT EXPECT ME TO. It's so one sided me doing all the giving up and sacrifices. But to me my home is everything and if you have no funds you can at least relax at home.

I have given dp the ultimatum we either buy a house together where I can feel at home and not in his ex wifes place, or I will be leaving.

Will Neutral ground work ladies and gents??

[Abip]

I feel as though their are three adults in this relationship. He does not parent dss just acts like his mate yet we parent my dcs together.

Dp lets his son talk to me like this and I cannot live like it.

[theredhen]

Abip,

I think in your situation, that it's not really the bricks and mortar that will make the difference.

It's the emotional side that is lacking and always will be wherever you live unless you can sort this out. I posted something similar recently on "relationships" about my home not feeling like my home, but ultimately it is about DP attitude and not about the fact that he and his ex wife and kids lived there before me.

[PegsonaNewNose]

I moved in the FMH - it was horrid for me and for DBDs as it reminded them of when their mother was still living with DH.

It has definitely worked for us- It's our home .

[Abip]

Hi Redhen. I just feel as though he does not even fight for me. I just slot into the place his ex was.

His sons attitude towards me is a major problem but dp does not see it.

As far as I am concerned dp and i are the parents and his dss should also still be the child and not the adult who concerns himself with our finances and owns the house with us.

It would be the same for my children. I just feel alone. Even though dp said he totally understands, he would just rather plod along as things as they are.

[theredhen]

Abip, I know that feeling of "slotting in" too.

I don't think DP even means to do it, but he does want me to behave like the childrens mother, to just step into her shoes and I don't want to!

Instead of feeling that you are all pulling together, you feel that you are the "odd one out". Do you have family or friends you could escape to and spend some time where you feel you "belong". It's not a long term answer, but it helps me in the short term.

[Abip]

I just feel like the gofer. I do go to my mums for a tea and rant once a week.

Its my home though and it does not feel like it. Why should the children and I have to
feel like this and pay for the privealage?

Why cant he just grow a pair and discipline his son like we do my two?

I would never allow my children to speak to dp in this way. Especially at 19 years old.

[theredhen]

I know how you feel. I broke down in tears the other day and just kept asking him why I can't just have one day in my own home with my son without his kids always having to be there? There is no compromise on his part and yet I have given up so much to be with him.

The double standards with discipline make things very difficult too. Do your children notice the difference? I worry about the damage it does to the children too.

Sorry, I'm not being very helpful. I'm at a bit of a loss too apart from constantly going out and only having an "identity" away from the home.

[Abip]

I have suggested this to him. Why should we suffer whilst you continue to have the same life.

The children have noticed and it does affect them. My six year old son actually calls him the lazy teenager and believs it is acceptable to be like this.

What other suggestions can you give? I may well try going away for the weekend every two months just me and the kids.

Its not that I dont want his dss there. I just want him to get off his backside and get a job and respect us. He can do as he pleases when he buys his own home.

[catsmother]

"DSS had the cheek to say I am fucking miserable and he wishes Id fuck off"

That's disgusting. Where the hell was your so called DP while this was going on ? Does he really think this is an acceptable way for anyone to speak to his partner, let alone a child (albeit legally a young adult) who right now has it very cushty ?

I'd be very wary about moving anywhere new until your DP started to show you some respect. It's no wonder that SS feels it's okay to speak to you like that when he witnesses his father failing to defend you. Unless you moved without SS I think this problem would just transfer with you.

Quite honestly Abip, never mind "new house or else" I'd be leaving if my partner allowed his spoilty brat son to speak to me like that.

[Abip]

catsmother he was sat there and said oi to him when he said this.

I asked him the next day if he thinks its acceptable for his son to speak to me like this and he said no but that i was giving as good as I was getting. His son does NOTHING and its frustrating as dp says NOTHING and I told him this.

All our arguments are about his son and i am sick of it.

When we spoke about moving before, dp said we would have to downsize and i said that his dss would have to share with my ds. Dp said no he is an adult and would have to stand on his own two feet and I fought dss's corner.

But now I have suggested I cannot live with his son he has said he will always resent me if his dss is forced out. I just cant do right for wrong.

[PegsonaNewNose]

I didn't know how to say this but cats & MJ say it all really-

It's not a step-family problem, it's a relationship problem.

[Abip]

Mj dss could do no wrong. He punched his father when him and dss'd two friends got into a fight with him because they were partying in the garageand dp asked them to leave. I did not want him back then and he did.

Dss could stab him and he would still have him back. Dp just says 'but he is my son'

It is move or I go and he has been very quiet this morning before I went to college as I said to him to ring the estate agents and arrange a valuation of the house. Cos I know nothing will be achieved if there is no deadline.

I love him, very very much and have told him this. I have sacrificed not having a child, not getting married, my home, my childrens home, my friendship circle, our weekends. I cannot sacrifice this. We either move or we go.

[catsmother]

But would SS move with you ???

[catsmother]

And as per what DP said, were you telling SS to F off ??!!

Really don't think "oi" goes anywhere close to what he should be doing.

I just don't get these spineless men ... they are breeding monsters. I recently had to ask my 20 year old (employed) son to leave because he was taking the p* and we'd done talking over and over to no avail. It broke my heart but it was either that - tough love - or continue being taken advantage of and disrespected ...

... he (my son) still speaks to me. He still bought me a Xmas present. It doesn't have to be the end of the world to impose boundaries - and consequences. In fact, though I still worry I'm trying to focus on the fact my son is learning some valuable life lessons and will hopefully become a better person for it.

Your DP has no right to inflict this on you and the younger children.

[Abip]

No i didnt tell dss to f off. I would never speak to him like that. I pointed out that he does not do enough, gets out of his pit no earlier than midday and dosses about all day playing xbox.

The only reason i told him all this is because dp and I argue all the time and it causes so much stress. Dss does not know this as dp pretends nothing is wrong when he is around.

I was sick of pussing footing around him whilst everyone else suffers.

CM That is ultimately what I said to dp. If you want to accept that behaviour then fine. But you cant expect myself and my small dcs to put up with it.

Sad thing is I really think dp is so weak he will end up making me miserable. He even suggested breaking up as an option even though we love each other and have no issues between us.

Regardless of whether I g with or without him he will have to sell the house as he cant afford it by himself.

When you move intogether you have everyone to consider, not just your old setup.

[Petal02]

DH and I have been in our ?joint home? for nearly four years. And whilst my issues are mainly frustrations, rather than some of the real horrors the OP has to contend with, I?m not sure if having our new home improved things or not. There were pros and cons.

I felt more in control because our home was now partly mine, not just DH?s house. Also, the new house was far bigger, so we weren?t all on top of each other, and I?ve now got my own bathroom. I?m quite a private person re toilet functions, getting changed etc, and having a teenage boy hanging around in cramped conditions had been a challenge. To be fair to DH, he NEVER made me feel like a lodger when we lived at his house, and he did his best to ensure SS let me use the bathroom in peace, but just being in such close proximity to an unrelated adolescent male was uncomfortable.

On the downside ?? even though it?s half my house, I still feel that SS has far more right be there than I have; SS comes over regardless (as per the rota) and I feel I have zero control over what happens in my home, a lot of the time. There are times when DH drops SS at the house, then goes off to work, and my enjoyment of my home is completely marred by SS?s presence. I always felt irritated by SS, but it seemed easier to cope with when we lived at DH?s house. Probably because I had no right to complain about what DH did in his own house. But now I?m a 50% stakeholder, I expected to have say in what goes on in our home; well, I do have a say, but not when it?s anything SS-related, and as that affects 40% of our life, this really sticks in my throat.

I love our home, it?s something DH and I achieved together, we?ve decorated it to our taste, we?ve made it our own. My home is definitely my castle. And then SS pitches for the weekend, and I just want to escape.

[Abip]

Hi Mj yes you did. But I am only in my thirties and want a chance at a life. Living apart is going backwards not forwards.

It hit me the other night. Yesterday morning I asked dp to ring a few estate agents and get a valuation. He agreed and when I got home asked him if he had rang.

He said no because we need to sit down and discuss our finances. He kept going over numbers and I didnt understand. Then he started talking about him having a mortgage and me having a mortgage. Then it hit me, seperate mortgages and not joint!!???

For goodness sake cant I even have the normality of having a joint mortgage!!!

He started harping on about his equity and I even said fine we will have a clause that you own more than I do and thats fine. A far cry from the man who said when we got together have half and I actually refused and had it all done fairly.

I dont want his f* money I have my own. I said I am going but he suggests I am emotionally blackmailing him. I am not!!! I just want one normal thing in my life. He doesnt want more children or marriage and that took me a long time to get over and I did it cos I love him. He cant do this simple thing and I have cried for two days and am exhausted.All I seem to do is sacrifice for him and his son.

The sheer look of shock that I wanted a joint mortgage was overwhelming. He just sees it as his life and home. He apparently loves me more than anyone else he has before but I get treated like this. He says he loves his home even though he knows I am totally miserable. If I go he will have to sell anyway as he cant afford it on his own.

Just so desperately upset and keep typing on here cos I feel alone

[Petal02]

Abip ? this is terrible. He doesn?t want to marry you, he doesn?t want children with you, and won?t even have a joint mortgage with you???? I?m so sorry, but I honestly don?t think he?s serious about you at all.

I?m not trying to make light of how painful it would be, but if you were to leave him, you could then meet a man who can give you the normal relationship you deserve. Please don?t let this selfish man convince you that wanting a joint mortgage is a strange thing, it?s not, it?s what ?normal? couples do.

[Abip]

I had to speak to my sis last night petal to confirm whether I was being unreasonable or strange and she could not believe it!!

I know it sounds childish. But its never about me and I am sick of it. He has no intention of making a life for us with or without his son.

I cried last year when my sister had her baby. I never told her and we have a fantastic relationship, but seeing her with her new baby just reconfirmed to me what I dont have. I wanted dp to comfort me but he just said I was selfish. It's never about me. I sacrifice everything and there is no giving back at all.

I see how happy other people are with their family life and he just does not get it. The second I even remark that I dont like the ways things are he says I am selfish and emotionally blackmailing him.

I told him this morning I am going so him and ss can have the house all to themselves and he said you dont have to go. But he does not understand that I dont want to live in this house anymore. I really think he just has me here to keep his old marital home and keep his son happy.

[catsmother]

I may be wrong but I can't imagine any lender would allow 2 separate mortgages on the same property anyway. But that's beside the point .... it seems he doesn't want to get financially entangled with you which probably makes you feel he doesn't trust you and/or is looking for excuses not to commit. Doesn't bode well.

[Abip]

Cat thats what I suggested to him. But I am not out to rip him off as its been done to me in the past.

Its like he is emotionally wounded by his first two exes and will not grow a pair and man up.

If he is worried we can have clauses put in. I have told him I love him and he can see the sacrifices I made and have even got less finances than when I were single but he just does not see it.

[theredhen]

you can have a joint mortgage as "tenants in common" where it is specified what percentage each of you owns in a property, if one of you is putting a lot more in than the other inititally. It is not an uncommon practice.

I totally feel for you about the baby situation and I too have made that sacrifice too by being with DP as he has had the snip and we already have his 4 kids and my 1 son and I know that is more than enough, still feel upset I can't have another child of my own though sometimes.

I think he wants you and loves you but is scared of moving forward, constantly clinging onto the past. The only way I can describe it is that he feels he can't throw away what he has now in case what he reaches out for ends in tears and then he is worried that he will have nothing. What he doesn't realise is that holding onto the past is never good because the past is gone and done and life moves forward whether you like it or not, you can either take control of it or choose not to.

You are not emotionally blackmailing him, you have wants and needs too that are just as important as anyone elses. Why should you suppress yours and yours alone?