Maintenance Question

[DeLadyDeGaga]

My son's 10. His dad left when he was 4. My ex still pays exactly the amount of maintenance (standard, recommended 15%) that was paid in 2005.

I have asked him for an increase. He has no other children and now lives with a lady who also has no children. I have remarried.

He tells me he has not had a raise in salary since 2005. My DH paid maintenance at a higher rate (he chose to) but now only pays for one as the others are left home and at Uni.

Aside from the fact that I find it difficult to believe my ex has not had a raise in 6 years, I feel that he should WANT to support his son more. Ex and his partner have a good lifestyle (which I don't begrudge them) and two incomes and I don't see that he should pay pay £250 for our son, still, all these years later.

Can anyone comment? AIBU?

[DeLadyDeGaga]

Ooops....sorry. Meant to say, my (now) husband paid maintenance for his 3 kids but now only pays for one, the others having left home and being at Uni.

[nenevomito]

Hi, is this maintenance agreed through the CSA or done independently?

[DeLadyDeGaga]

Via my solicitor at the time of the divorce. Our son's disabled and it was agreed that the payments should continue, if needed, beyond school leaving age.

I think I'll still be getting 250 quid when he's 17 !!!

[prettyfly1]

in all honesty I think you may well be being a bit unreasonable - if the two of you split the costs of maintenance in half your child is costing you five hundred pounds a month - I know for a fact mine dont cost that much or anything like it and your ex is not responsible for any of your living costs. I appreciate if he is very well off it seems unfair but I suspec that there are a lot of mums on the lone parents board who would kill for one payment of 250 let alone an ex who pays up regularly.

[prettyfly1]

Ah now that sheds a different light on it - disabled children obviously have a very strict set of needs. Can I suggest you approach the csa for a reassesment

[DeLadyDeGaga]

Yes, I take your point.

Thanks prettyfly1

[gree]

it depends on your circumstances how much your children cost, mine cost over a £1000 a month in childcare alone and thats before you factor in anything else like food clothes shoes.

The csa amount is 15% if you think he is hiding payrises from you, you could ask the csa for an assessment.

[DeLadyDeGaga]

He (ex) has our son every other weekend, Fri and Sat night.....brings him home Sunday.

He doesn't pay for anything else. Do you mean clothes/shoes etc? No.

[Petal02]

My husband used to pay £450 per month when he was paying for two children, he now only pays for one, and that's £200 per month. We have his son to day from Thur-Sun alternate weekends, and a mid-week night.

So I don't think the OP is doing too badly, although I can't comment on costs re disabled children.

[DeLadyDeGaga]

Seems reasonable then.

There's some £90k going into their household.....and my ex is on around £50k of that so, personally, I think he should pay a bit more. There's been a considerable rise in the cost of living since 2005 ..... yet his rate of maintenance hasn't changed.

That's my point.

I can't speak for those only getting £90 "as and when". What I do know is, my new husband has put a roof over this boys' head, supports him and is a great step-dad. I'm lucky. Yet his dad still maintains him at 2005 rates!!

[pleasechange]

OP presumably though you and your new partner would have a house regardless of whether your child lived in it, so I'm not fully convinced that your current partner is putting a roof over your child's head, so to speak.

I guess the answer to your question is whether or not you feel that the costs incurred are more than £250 x 2 + child benefit + any tax credits + any additional benefits due to his disability (not sure how much all this adds up to obviously in your case, but presumably quite a bit?)

Just interested, how do you know your ex's and his new partner's salary??

[Lonnie]

If yu feel that he is not paying a fair rate then please take it up with the CSA but on 50K and no payrise He may be telling the truth. there has not exactly been a lot of payrises going on in certain areas (depending on what he does) it is 4 years since my husbnad had a payrise and he is VERY irritated about it.

[lateatwork]

the point is also OP, that it isnt the amount that is going into your ex's household, it is the amount your EX earns. I would be livid if my income was taken into account in the calculation of maintainance for DBS.

Its nice that that you mention how much the his new partner earns but mention nothing about how much your new husband earns.... oh and yes I am sure your new partner gets the benefit of seeing the boy more than his father too...

Also, its not that unusual to have not had a payrise in recent times.

if you think it should be reviewed then go to the csa.

[ChasingSquirrels]

It is irrelevant how much others get - these are your circumstances.
You could talk to your ex and ask to see a copy of his payslips, you could take it to the CSA, maybe you could talk to a solicitor and see if you could get a legal arrangement in place with an annual review.

I am in much the same position - re it having stayed the same, although it is only 3 years. I am going to broach it with ex and suggest that it is reviewed annually with reference to his month 12 payslips.

[DeLadyDeGaga]

Thanks all....puts it in perspective.

My solicitor tied an annual review into the divorce settlement but, each time that anniversary rolls around my ex just refuses to discuss it.

I don't think we should get any more money just "because" but I do know that he will have had some raise in that time and because he is in sales, he gets a decent bonus (and he works hard......I'm not suggesting he should give it to me!!!) but last year, he bought a Ducati to tour Europe in....my point is, I suppose I feel a bit embarrassed that my DH pays his ex so generously for his child and my ex won't hear of a rise.

There were other things he was supposed to pay, tied into the divorce but never has. I gave up asking. Again, he said he couldn't afford it.

allnew.....I only have one child so, it's £250 per month. Not x 2. We don't get tax credits but my son does get his DLA. The DLA goes into a separate account for him, not into our household account. It is, and always has been my son's money.

Again, thanks ladies.

[Smum99]

Hi,

I think allnew's comment relate to your payment to support your son - £250 x 2 if you earn a similar income when you separated.

A few points - if your ex did agree an annual review then it's fair to suggest a review but I think it should be based on actual costs. Both your ex and you have housing cots for your son so these are neutral but as the resident parent you are incuring day to day cost for your son.Why not list these to your ex - school uniform, school meals, activities and others costs that are fair and reasonable. If the sum of these costs are not met by the ex's contribution + your reasonable contribution + DLA + CB then you have a solid case.

I've just sat my DH down to talk about costs as it's fair we consider what our son's actual finanical needs are on a monthly basis. I think this 'logical' approach works with men, son costs A, you contribute B, I contribute C, shortfall equals X, can you split the costs fairly. Suggest this approach if it fails ask for a CSA assessment to help with shortfall.
Your ex shouldn't get emotive if he realises it's about actual costs or needs your son has rather than the approach of 'you earn more so I feel justified in asking for more'

[Smum99]

PS My DH hasn't had a pay increase in many years, as a experienced employee he isn't on a growing scale that occurred earlier in his career. He is also in a sales related position so the bonus are performance related and can be highly variable, I don't like to think of these as guaranteed as I have always been disappointed!!

[Petal02]

It's a shame the CSA doesn't calculate how much it costs to provide for the child, and then split the costs 50/50.

As Allnew points out, if the OP thinks that the monthly payment of £250 is less than half what it costs to provide for the child, then maybe a review is necessary.

But sometimes we get hung up on how much the child's father earns, rather than how much it costs to provide for the child - even if the child's father has had a healthy payrise and/or has moved in with a wealthy lady, providing he pays his share of the 'running costs' for the child (with an annual review) then surely the rest of his money should be his own?

A lot of non resident fathers are happy to pay for extras in addition to sensible maintenance, and it seems unfair that the ex considers to have rights to his pay packet under those circumstances.

[DeLadyDeGaga]

The percentage as a guide by the CSA is 15% of the net salary, or so I thought. Isn't it relative? If my ex was earning £200K annually, would he still be allowed to give me £250 a month because that's the average cost to feed/clothe/raise a child? Please stop bringing in my son's DLA into the financial equation. THAT IS HIS MONEY. It is not meant to clothe him or pay for school uniform when he's had a massive growth spurt!

My point is, if a rise has happened (at all) in the past 6 years, then the contribution made should also increase. How much does it cost to raise a child? Can that be measured in terms of cash? Don't think so.

I do know that one of the reasons my ex left was that he met a lady who was more "fun" whilst I was sat at home, night after night with my son who needed at least one parent in situ, constantly, due to his disability.

[silverfrog]

I'm divided on the whole maintenance issue.

I'm not sure that a NR paying half of what a child costs is enough, assuming the NRP has more money than that, a good standard of living, etc (I am not saying a NRP shoudl impoverish themselves to provide more than the basics for a child)

eg, my dh pays way more than the CSA would ever have decreed he pay. my step children are grown up now, and he (quite rightly, imo) is paying for university - living ocsts as well as tuition fees.

I don't htink a NRP should be paying just what the CSA dictates, when there is more money than that in the pot.

if one parent has a vastly different standard of living, then I think some of that standard of living should be translated across to the child's home.

I'm not sure that maintenance payments (in cases where both parties have a good standard of living) shoudl be calculated on what the child costs - this is a very basic x amount for food, y amount for clothes type calculation. and that is not what gets spent on my children, or on my step children. they get way more than that in life, because we can afford it.

technically speaking, for many years, dh could have stuck to what the csa calculation works out at, and not given my step children any of the benefits of his "extra" income, or way of life. but I don't think that is right.

[Petal02]

LadyGaGa - if you husband were earning £200k per year, then 15/20% of his salary would be way in excess of a sensible contribution towards providing for your son. Which would mean that the money you had left over once you'd provided for your son, would go into your coffers, so your husband would also be maintaining YOU.

A man has a legal responsibiliy to provide for his children, and as spousal support has died out, that's where the responsibility ends.

However I do take Silverfrog's point, that if the father is earning megabucks, surely he could pay a little extra than the CSA minimum. But many men do this already, by way of buying extra things for their children and taking them on holiday. That way, they can be sure the extras get to the child, and not to the ex.

Quite a lot of men with healthy salaries negotiate consent orders for maintenace, rather than using the CSA, as this is often a fairer way of agreeing on an amount, rather than the CSA percentage system. My husband did this, because the CSA system meant he would have been paying considerably more than what it actually cost to provide for his children. The courts are sensible about this, and its an accepted way of making an agreement. The ex tried to get more by going to the CSA, but as a court order was in place, and my husband was up to date with his payments, then they wouldn't intervene.

I completely agree that a man should provide for his children, but to pay so much that he indirectly ends up supporting his ex, is wrong.

We will happily buy SS a car when he's 17, and we'll fund him through uni - but husband is adamant he's not funding his ex wife.