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Step-parenting

DSDs mother has told DP (her dad) that he's dead

67 replies

InnocentRedhead · 08/02/2011 00:41

I have posted about DSDs mother before and need some more advice, sorry if i ask for a lot but i'm new to the whole step-parenting thing and feel that here i can just unload...

Just as the title says really. DP was on the phone to DSDs mum and she got into an argument - with herself really as DP stayed calm - all because he needed to have the 3 days off that we see her as we has to go with his mum to help her move out of a violent relationship. After her angry phone we recieved the text message

'I have just told your daughter that you are dead so you do not need to have her. Me and my husband can be her parents'

At the moment we are just leaving her to cool down. But where can we go from here. She regularly goes off on one, and tries to manipulate, but to say that?!?! How can we tackle her when she comes back to us because she will want us to babysit (which she has admitted that is all we are)

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LibraPoppyGirl · 08/02/2011 00:46

Will have to consider this one when my brain is functioning a bit better...but the woman is a 'Freak' of the first degree!! Confused

So sorry she's put you in this position Sad

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Rindercella · 08/02/2011 00:49

Firstly, she may view you as babysitters, but your DP should view any time spent with his DD as time for them to bond and grow their relationship. How his ex sees it is neither here nor there if both your DP and your DSD are enjoying the time and it is beneficial to your DSD.

Your DP's ex sounds like she is very angry, whether or not that is reasonable I don't know. But you're doing the best thing by letting her cool off. Do not add any more heat to the situation.

Does your DP have access sorted? Is it something that his ex could easily stop? If so, he needs to get this resolved asap.

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Rindercella · 08/02/2011 00:50

Oh and of course it is very unreasonable for her to have said what she did. Hopefully it wasn't within earshot of her daughter.

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InnocentRedhead · 08/02/2011 01:56

Well freak of the first degree does not come close.

And, this is what i mean as viewing us as babysitters - We both work very variable shifts, often with overtime but the three days 2 nights we have with her are often set around a fortnight in advance. However the situation that has come up in not being able to have DSD is unforeseeable. All she can say is that we have messed up her plans, not DSD will miss you or such like.

DP does have court access sorted, 3 days, 2 nights a week. However in fits of anger/wanting to manipulate him, she witholds this access until she want to go out/gets sick of DSD, which is generally around the times we are meant to have her anyway.

She actually said that DP is dead to her daughter and told her that her husband and herself will bring her up. She is 22m, but she does understand. She often slags DP off to her (we know this as she will try and ring him on mobile and if he doesn't answer she will say something along the lines of 'your DD wants to talk to you on phone' and then in background before hanging up she will say, 'your daddy doesn't want to talk to you/doesn't want to know you/is evil', she is a clever little girl and understands yet her mother doesn't realise this). This may be why DSD is so distant when she comes to us, but clingy to me.

She has said before now that DP will be out of his DDs life before she is 2. (He will never leave her life, he didn't want her when he found out she was pregnant [she tricked him, he knows he should have put something on it, but she said oh no you don't need to, i'm on pill], BUT he manned up to responsibilities and has brought DSD up for most of her life, until June when her mum got residency as he had started a new job.) It seems like she is making it her mission to eradicate him from her life as all she wanted was a daughter, and have a perfect life now with ehr children and getting back with her EXH (she said if she was having another boy - she would abort - already has 3 boys)

Hope you are still with me, trying to get all surrounding circumstances out.

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ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 08/02/2011 02:19

Bloody hell - she's a bit bats isn't she!

Please try not to stress about what she is saying to DD at the moment, no matter how bright she is at 22 months, death/dead wont mean anything, neither will a lot of the crap she is spouting because DD just doesn't have the framework for it to make sense at her age - they are just words. Of course, her tone wont be nice and it's not ideal. She will understand some of it (Daddy doesn't want to see you) and will understand much more very soon - so what can you do to limit the damage/get more time with her??

Do you and DH want full time residency again or do you just want this to work?

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TheMotherOfAllDilemmas · 08/02/2011 02:55

Difficult to know, really, she might be a freak or she might be a completely frustrated resident parent tired of seeing her child being stood off by her dad at any given opportunity.

I think I would never tell my child that his dad is dead, however after his dad stood him off far too many times, it was my child who said his dad was dead. I think he got to that conclusion months before I got to the same place.


So watch out, this might be a real emergency that requires contact to be re arranged, but just consider the possibility that it's actually your DH abandoning his contact responsibilities (yes, his child is his responsibility on contact days, he is NOT babysitting or doing a favour for her, he is meant to be taking care of his own child), and is not using the resident parent as the best form of on the tap babysitting to cover for him.

And remember, your shifts are NOT her responsibility.

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InnocentRedhead · 08/02/2011 06:20

Sorry mother of all dilemmas - i am struggling to follow your post... He has only 'stood her off' on this occasion as he needs to help move his mother who has come out of particularly bad DV relationship, as in her husband will be getting done for attempted murder. We see her at any given opportunity and you mention my shifts aren't her responsibility; she will still ask when i am off and see if I will have her. I have in the past looked after DSD when DP is at work too. I'm sorry but i don't like how you say he is abandoning her, yes she is his responsibility, but it is also his responsibility on this occasion to protect his mother...

All she keeps saying to him is 'It's part of being a parent, you have to have her and manage', and all we can think back is 'Yes, cancelling plans is part of being a parent' all she wants is a night out, contact will be re-arranged for this week etc.

Me and DP have being talking about him going for full residency, all they would have to do is look over the past 20m worth of cases (8/9 in total) and it would easily be decided that she would be better with us) but we would have to pay for court costs, solicitors etc. which we can't afford, and because she is workshy she will get legal aid (she blames DPs shifts on the fact she can't go out and get a job)

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LibraPoppyGirl · 08/02/2011 08:11

Excuse me but any parent who, in this situation especially, who says the other parent is dead, is definitely a freak! My own Ex OH is a complete wanker, but I have never ever contemplated telling DS that he is dead. Never!

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catsmother · 08/02/2011 10:08

Poor little girl - what this so-called mother is doing is deliberately trying to alienate her daughter from her father. How much she understands right now isn't the point ... as someone else said, she'll pick up on the tone and obviously she is going to understand more as she grows. IMO, this is emotional abuse and I don't care how angry the mother is she has no right to inflict this upon her child. Whatever her gripes with the OP's DP, she will end up destroying that child's self esteem (what child needs/wants to be told that one of their parents is crap ?) as she will wonder what's "wrong" with her so that her dad (apparently) doesn't want to see her. Inevitably, as she grows, she will be completely torn (assuming contact isn't completely obstructed) and that can manifest itself in all sorts of issues including playing off the parents, lying and manipulation. It's disgusting.

The dad here has not stood off his daughter at "every opportunity" - what a bloody ridiculous thing to say. Have you actually read this thread ? DP needs to help his mother in what sounds like a genuine emergency - and perhaps quite literally a life and death situation if the mother's partner is being done for attempted murder. Any normal decent human being would see that's a one off and show a bit of compassion. So what if her wretched night out has to be cancelled - better that than a woman staying in a violent situation any longer than she has to. In any case, that contact is being rearranged - when the ex can presumably go out then.

I don't really know what to suggest apart from going for residency. There's no point in berating or trying to reason with someone like that and the fact you show you're angry/concerned/upset could well make her even more determined to be a bitch. It's so hard at this age (well, it's hard at any age) because you're dependent on the mother to facilitate communication. It might well be worth paying out for some legal advice as to whether you can self rep in residency cases .... I'm afraid I have no idea.

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WildistheWind · 08/02/2011 10:14

I'm with Cats on that one-

This is parental alienation and could lead the path to emotional abuse.

Have you heard of Families need Fathers - they have help with people who need to self-rep.

You can find your local branch here

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ChippingInSmellyCheeseFreak · 08/02/2011 10:37

Innocent - don't stress over people who have their own axe to grind and don't actually take your OP at face value x

Please try the Families need Fathers - from what I gather on here, one of them will come to court with you and support you. You may be able to apply for residency without a solicitor & just pay the court costs - if you really can't afford it there may be some help somewhere - I'd ask in legal as well.

Take care x

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JohnBovi · 08/02/2011 11:00

I don't care how unreliable a father is and how frustrated a mum is - to tell your child that he is dead is shocking and inexcusable.

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prettyfly1 · 08/02/2011 12:54

I dont give a flying fig what this womans excuse is how DARE she tell her child of any age that her parent is DEAD. Sometimes things happen and you have to move access around. Its the way of the world. DEAD. Really. And there are those of you justifying that why? Thats awful, that poor little girl. OP I really think you should be looking at custody for the childs sake. Imagine the damage this will cause for her over the years.

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SecondMrsS · 08/02/2011 13:59

I doubt she actually told the child their dad was dead. she's just being a tantruming baby and hoping if she makes enough fuss he'll give in and have the child.

Saying that, And I don't know the back story, but personally I feel that if my ex can't have DD on his contact days, it is his responsibilty to find someone within his own support network to have DD rather than expect me to have her.
Several people have told me that's not putting my DD first but I actually think that it involves her in a more natural relationship with her dad's 'world' rather than just for her to think "dad didnt want me this week so i'm at mum's"

But if your DP doesnt have any support around then you'd think she'd want to help out while you rescue his mum.

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prettyfly1 · 08/02/2011 16:48

See I totally dont agree second - I was a single parent before I became a step and I would farrrr rather ds was with me then someone else if his dad couldnt have him - if we were a couple I would always have been first port of call, because I am the other parent and I feel it should remain the same way where possible when couples split.

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InnocentRedhead · 09/02/2011 01:28

There is a lot of history and there is a post from me a while back when i was first starting to bond with DSD and how her BM actually is and just needed some help and advice. I feel MN is the best place for all that.

Thank you for the advice on possible avenues to go down. Me and DP have spoke about full custody, and we are at a point we could offer this. Taking a look at Families need Fathers a bit later in my shift, thank you for the heads up on that one, had a quick skim through and looks fantastic.

Thats the thing though, when DSD was a baby, DP had full custody (Apr 09-Aug 10, apart from a brief spell) and there was often times that BM was a no show for court arranged contact - however she has phoned the police for search and recovery orders. The whole past i am not 100% sure of but i know there has being at least 2.

DP and I aswell would not even consider leaving DSD, she is just denying DPs right of being a father, turning it back on him saying that 'its all part of being a parent' and using this as a reason for us to have her so BM can go out. Is it not 'part of being a parent' having to cancel plans occasionally.

Definately gonna show this thread (amongst others) to DP

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piprabbit · 09/02/2011 01:48

I'd hang on to the text as well - just in case you need it.

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pleasechange · 09/02/2011 07:54

I agree with prettyfly. I see so often on mumsnet that mothers are annoyed when their children are supposed to be on access time with their fathers and yet the father has left the child in the care of his wife/girlfriend/mother/babysitter whatever. Yet others complain that he can't make alternative arrangements when he can't have them during the access time. Seems the nrp can't win unless he leaves the rest of his life on complete hold for several days a week Confused

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HecateQueenOfWitches · 09/02/2011 07:57

I'd be ging to court for custody. If that behaviour continues, the emotional damage to that child will be immense.

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mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 13:11

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SecondMrsS · 09/02/2011 13:20

But if, like in my case, the father only has the child 1 night a week... and therefore that is the only night that I can ever do anything (Gym,friends,dates,work late etc) it's a bit much for me to also be the 'first port of call' if he can't have DD?
I see your point petal about how thi is how it works as a couple and that things should stay the same, but when you're a couple these things are shared and you do get time to do your own thing from time to time. When you're on your own, the access days are the only time you get... if that's just one day a week I think you deserve to have that when possible.

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Bonsoir · 09/02/2011 13:22

InnocentRedhead - if your DP asked his daughter's mother to change contact dates, he really is in the wrong here.

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mjloveswineoclock · 09/02/2011 13:25

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SecondMrsS · 09/02/2011 13:32

I also think that time with the father's paternal granparents/aunties/uncles/friends and their step mum...

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SecondMrsS · 09/02/2011 13:35

oops, that sentance had no end!

.. is really good for them and fosters a real feeling that it is as much their family as the maternal side.

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