Your not helping him !!!

[Abip]

Sorry this is just a rant as I am soooo frustrated now its unbelievable.

Many mnetters are aware of my situ. To cut a long story short, I have moved into dp's home and given up my home.

Dp has one son living with us who is 19. He has not worked or gone to college for three years.

He does nothing to help out around the house gets up at midday and does not work.

He recently got his account card which had savings of £500 which has been built up for him over the years.

He is starting to blow it. He has passed his driving test two months ago and cant drive the car he has been given by a friend as he is not working so cannot pay for insurance.

We have now said he must pay rent as we cannot afford to keep him scott free (I work self employed around full-time college and also do bar work. so basically knackered!!)

So what does dss do? use his savings to pay for some of the insurance ?. Nooooooo that would be sensible. He buys a flat screen telly for his room even though there are six teles around the house because he feels he needs one???!!

Now I know what your thinking, this is not grounds for an argument. I said he was silly and wasteful of his cash and said to dp he better have the rent for you at the end of the week or you should take the telly away (I got no reply)

We both know he wont work and will pay his rent using savings and when its gone it gone!!

Anyway, I cut his hair in return for babysitting. But recently I have found my car uneconomical, and in a bid to save cash am selling mine to get an aygo as its cheap to run and tax.

So I asked dss instead of babysitting this time would be mind washing my car so I can sell it. He happily agreed.

So when I came home today and looked at the car i thought cheeky bugger has not done it. DP says he has!!! He got the water hose and doused it. No soap no sponge?!

Well I blew. He has done NOTHING all week except get up at midday and sit and watch telly.

Dp does not get it. For fuck sake surely a 19 year old lad should know you need soap to wash the car!!! He is not a baby.

Even worse was dp's reply. I cant watch him all the time. He did empty the dishwasher this week. For fs i am sick of him making excuses for him yet expecting mine to have rules and be disciplined.

Dp has been off for six weeks from work due to an accident. He has had plenty of time to gee him up and get him going but has not. When he is still in bed he does not get him up, does not give him chores and lets him do whatever !!!


AHHHHHHHHHH

[cobbledtogether]

I'm not surprised you blew up. Working and full time college, while he sits on his bum.

Its the same story though for so many posters where their Dads don't back you up.

sorry I dont have any advice for you, but here's some if it helps!

[Abip]

Thanks cobbled. I just have a permanent headache and an unsupportive dp who feels dss can do no wrong.

I post on here for an escape to know I am not going crazzzzzzyyyyyyy!!!!!!

[Petal02]

I would have blown up too. Unless your partner is prepared to back you up, its almost impossible.

[Abip]

It is impossible as he see nothing wrong. dont understand why he cant take off his rose tinted glasses.

By god there is no way when mine reach their teenage years that they will sit and do nothing. College or job or out

[Petal02]

Abip - sounds like your partner is one of those fathers who prefers to use the 'line of least resistance' parenting style. It's the most frustrating thing on the planet, and I'm not really sure how to advise you. Sending you some moral support though.

[anon121]

My DH is the same Abip, DSD gets to do what she wants all day, never doing the odd thing I do ask her to do properly, and DH just goes along with it for a quiet life arghhhhhh. Many arguments have been had!

[WkdSM]

SS1 did the same thing - did A levels and decided not to go to uni as had 'fallen in love' - moved in with girlfriend (single room in her parents house) and spent a load of money of a 42" flat screen TV (in a single bedroom - with 2 people in it).

He then visited us and let slip he had no car insurance so we lent him the money (£2k) rather than have him drive home with no insurance. He had no job at ths point.

he broke up with girl and moved back to his mum's. It was only whne she insisted that he and his brother (19 and 16) shared a single bedroom that he got off his backside, got a job, and is now in a shared rented house paying his way and learning about Real Life. He's only working in a fast food place - but it is work.

Sometimes - tough love is the only way I suppose.

Maybe sit down with both of them and ask each of them what they hope for for the son in the short term (ie find a job) medium term (learn to budget his money and look at being more independent) and long term (moving out and having a proper adult life).

Then help him plan how he is going to do this.

I do think that because they are spoonfed at school they don't have a lot of planning skills or self motivation. Maybe set up a weekly review session - nice and calm over a cup of tea with all 3 of you looking at what should have been done and what has been done. At least this will force your DH to deal with the issue every week.

[Abip]

Hi wkdsm yes those are great ideas. And I have suggested to dp we all sit down. But he seems to think its between him and his son.

However I have pointed out that actually we all live here and it concerns all of us so therefore my input is needed.

I do feel if we all sat down and discussed ground rules they would be adhered to but because it ends up dp and I arguing there is just a silence and no repremand for when dss is misbehaving so he gets away with it.

At the end of the day I feel as though I have sacrificed finances and my home to live somewhere where I dont feel at home because his son treats it like a hotel.

All that happens is dp and I argue. We have only just started talking after the tele incident and its driving me mad.

It affects the children as they basically see their older step brother doing sweet fa and I am sick of arguing about his lack of approach.

[Abip]

Just thought i would update all those who posted. Since the argument dss decided not to speak to dp or I at all.

He got out of bed at 1.30pm thursday and packed a suitcase and said he was going to his mums for a few days. He text dp yesterday stating he has decided to live at his mums. Whilst dp and I went shopping today he has been back taken all he wanted and left the room in a shithole with just a text.

How bloody hurtful. If not for all of us, just dp. He has thrown his toys out of the pram rather than get a sodding job and do a few chores.

Its going to be no easier at his mums as she wont put up with it. Dp seems very upset and i'm not surprised. He has text dss saying he is selfish, we will clean the room and bag the rest up and if he wants it to text or we will dump it.

All I could say to dp is that I never wanted him to be pushed away, but sitting on his backside was never an option.

Why oh why would'nt he just get a job???