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Step-parenting

.. to remove my step daughter from her mother??

55 replies

AmberLights · 02/02/2011 11:38

Hello!

I am a newbie so be gentle with me.. :)

I dont know where this quite fits in amongst this forum so I thought I would post here..

I joined because I need to talk about my step daughter, I have very good friends but I think I need to find outside help or maybe someone who has been through a similar situation or even just to hear I have done the right thing.

My husband and I have 4 children and he has a daughter from a previous relationship from when he was young and going through a very difficult time. The mother of this child, lets call the mom Jane and the daughter Amy, attended my school and was bullied for her learning difficulties,not by me I might add, she is 3 years older than me.

When I met my husband I was very shocked to find out he had a daughter, being so young, and that the mother was Jane. We have always got on, I have welcomed Amy into my family since day one and love her emormously.

Jane attended our wedding as Amy was a bridesmaid and as our family grew we have financially and emotionally supported Jane in her parenting skill and Amy in her becoming a beautiful 12 year old.

We have always had concerns about Amy's cleanliness and supplied new clothes and shoes as needed, she has in the past and now come here at weekends filthy and covered in nits once so bad, and the only time Jane and I had crossed words I used 2 toilets rolls, 2 bottles of conditioner, 7 hours over 2 days removing all the eggs and lice from her hair.

In the last few months Amy has been staying at ours less and less, we put it down to that now she was growing she would want to spend more time with her friends and less with us. We never questioned Janes motives for Amy's absence.

I recieved an email 9 days ago from a friend of mine, Rebecca who lives directly opposite Jane and Amy which has caused all what I am about to tell you.

Amy has been showing Rebecca's youngest child (6) sexually suggestive things on a doll, she had been sexually active with boys which Jane knows about, Jane gave Amy and 7 other 11 & 12 year olds vodka on Amy's 12th birthday without them knowing and got them so drunk that 4 of them were vomiting most of the night, Amy has been smoking and when we asked Jane about this she said she had told Amy she can smoke when she is 14 (!!!!), Jane she been showing Amy a dating site that she is subscribed to and have fun "teasing" the men, Jane has brough these men she has met on the internet back to the house and has taken them upstairs while Amy and her younger brother (not my husbands) have been downstairs, Amy has even taken friends in to listen to her mother doing "whatever" with these men.

Me and my husband went to the house to ask Jane about these accusations, NONE of which she denied! If anything she admitted to it all..

I am a very busy mom of 4, my days are cleaning and washing, I had never been in Jane's house and when I did I was appalled. This wasnt just pots in the sink and a good hoover and washing on the side, it was pure Kim and Aggy filth. There was no gas or electricity, the house was freezing and cold and stunk of damp. It was full of carrier bags of rubbish, and I dont mean the odd bag I mean 15 of stinking rubbish in the lounge alone.

We talked to Jane about Amy's behaviour and her parenting skills and were in a state of shock about what we heard. Amy had been witness to Jane's ex boyfriend taking herion by needles. This happened in November, around the time Amy has stopped coming. After she found him in the bathroom, along side a needle, powder, spoon and blood all over he pinned her up by her throat and threatened he would kill Jane if Amy told her. Amy told a friend who told school who told Jane.

Did we find out? NO..

We called school who have no details for Amy's father and with a note on her records that school isnt to discuss anything with me or my husband, as we have no parental responsibility for Amy.

Needless to say we removed Amy that night.

She was told to pack all her stuff and came with 1 set of school uniform, 1 pair of knickers, 1 pair of mens socks, a size 16 vest top (Amy is of average build for her age but Jane I would say was a 16), a size 16 long sleeve t shirt and a pair or harem trousers.. That is it.

We have bought/been given everything Amy needs. She now has enough clother/underwear/jamas to clothe a small army.

We are in the middle of claiming child tax (not recieved any money yet as Jane is still claiming) for her with a contribution from Jane of £5 per week.

We have the child protection officer from school coming tomorrow with all of Amys school records and to chat about what has been happening. We have arranged for Amy to see a psychologist as the things that happened with Jane's ex are so painful even I don't know the full story.

I am so worried that we will have to give Amy back, Amy misses her mother but loves it here.

Does anyone know what steps the social services will take?

I know what I class as a "fit" parent but what is the definitiion?

Would you have done the same?

From a stressed out step mom
x

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AmberLights · 02/02/2011 11:42

I should also say amy has admitted her mother had told her not to tell us any of this...

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AKMD · 02/02/2011 11:43

I don't know the legalities of the situation but you certainly did the right thing in my eyes and I can only feel sorry for the little brother.

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clevercloggs · 02/02/2011 11:43

what about the brother?

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AmberLights · 02/02/2011 11:44

As far as I am aware the brother is still with her, social services have still not been to hers :(

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SheikYerbouti · 02/02/2011 11:44

The poor, poor girl Sad
Thank goodness she has a lovely step mum like you

What's happening with her brother?

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SheikYerbouti · 02/02/2011 11:45

I know he is not your responsibility, but is there another member of his family that you could tip off?

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AmberLights · 02/02/2011 11:45

I have spoken to the child protection officer who can't tell me much apart from it is being attended too

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bubblewrapped · 02/02/2011 11:46

I would say you have absolutely definately done the right thing.

Are there grandparents on Amys side who could corroborate the lifestyle issues?

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clevercloggs · 02/02/2011 11:46

so you just left the little kid there?? why didnt you take him as well and wait for SS to get in contact

poor kid must be frightened

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AmberLights · 02/02/2011 11:46

His father is not in his life. And I have no idea who he is..

Her parents have no intrest in her life and Jane's brother is supporting Jane

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SheikYerbouti · 02/02/2011 11:48

Does Amy know anything about the lad and his family?

Bloody hell, I would have him myself if I could

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PepperMoonchild · 02/02/2011 11:48

I think n this situation you definitely did the right thing.

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AmberLights · 02/02/2011 11:48

Amy's brother James.. I have seen him a few times and he has ADHA..

I see your concern that "we just left him" but that is why we have the social services involved....

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GypsyMoth · 02/02/2011 11:48

Hopefully ss can do something.

Does your dh now have parental responsibility for her? It's easy to get, and he needs to, asap!

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AmberLights · 02/02/2011 11:49

ADHD even :S

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SheikYerbouti · 02/02/2011 11:49

And Amber, you have done absiolutely the right thing.

And well done for getting SS involved for Amy's brother.

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jeanz · 02/02/2011 11:50

It sounds like you have done not only the RIGHT thing but the ONLY thing a responsible parent would do.I would say i am surprised that school have let it go this far without reporting things to relevant authority but i think some schools just cant be bothered! I hope for the childs sake she does stay at your home where she can learn to be clean,tidy,and responsible as well as loved and nurtured as a child her age needs.
I think you should be applauded for taking the child and extra work and no doubt to begin with extra heartache on.
I wish you luck and hope things go the way you wish them too. x

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AmberLights · 02/02/2011 11:50

We have parental resposibility.. I am even on the agreement.. We went to court a few years ago and signed it..

Jane wanted us to do it.. we saw no issue

We think she put the note on to stop us finding out about the ex and what happened with Amy

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KaraStarbuckThrace · 02/02/2011 11:51

Clevercloggs the OP and her husband have no legal rights to remove the little boy. She has done the right thing to involve the authorities, I just hope the little boy and his mum get some help.

OP you did the right thing.

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FabbyChic · 02/02/2011 11:52

YOu need to get legal guardianship don't you?

Maybe see a solicitor, you cannot just take her if her father has no legal rights to her.

People here can only advise they cannot tell you what is going to happen, and they cannot give you legal advice, this is just a forum.

You must see a solicitor and do things properly.

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boohoohoo · 02/02/2011 11:52

Yes was going to ask what has happened to the brother, you have definately done the right thing and I should imagine that if it is as you say the child protection services will support you in having Amy full time, but obviously allow some sort of contact with her mother.

Did her mother allow you to take her?

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bubblewrapped · 02/02/2011 11:52

Will you be willing to take in her brother if that is an option?

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fedupofnamechanging · 02/02/2011 11:52

I would have taken both children with me, even though I know you have no legal rights or responsibility for the little brother. I would contact SS and tell them that you have fears for this child and they need to go round there as a priority. They may not be aware of how bad things are.

You are doing the right thing by informing her school of what is going on, so they know to contact your DH about his daughter, rather than her mother.

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LtEveDallas · 02/02/2011 11:53

Amber, this may have been the wrong place to put this thread, sometimes AIBU gets overly heated. There is a step-parents board under 'parenting' in case you want it moved.

I also agree you have done exactly the right thing and Amy is very lucky to have you and your DH to help her. Does Amy know her brothers dad? Does she know if he would help?

I cannot believe that anyone would think you were being unreasonable here. You have done what is right for Amy, well done.

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boohoohoo · 02/02/2011 11:54

sorry x posts, feel so sorry for the brother tho, I hope he gets some sort of support as well.

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