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I'm running out of reserves.

(7 Posts)
heather1 Tue 04-Mar-14 12:42:58

I've just come on to off load really. Ds1 is 9 so lovely but we are in the process of finding out what's going on with him. Yesterday he lost 3 library books, a pair of boots and I found out the yet again he is being hassled at break time.
Yes again he won't/ can't stand up for himself. I thought the reason he was so stroppy was bec he has a residential trip coming up. I should have realised its because kids are causing him problems again. And he won't get help from school, he won't tell anyone.
And I have to think of all the questions in the world to ask him because he won't tell me what has really happened. He 'forgets or he doesn't want to talk about what happens because it 'doesn't matter' what he really means is that he doesn't know how to talk about the feelings.
Truly no one understands, not even my husband, not really. And I feel like I'm failing him. And when I say I think we should do x or y Dh either doesn't agree of is so overwhelmed with work he says he can't handle Ds on top of it all.
He has an assessment coming up in May. Maybe this will help.
And now ds2 is starting to show similar signs, similar but different. So I'm watching crap tell and eating chocolate. It's not really helping.

ouryve Tue 04-Mar-14 15:19:00

Hopefully, you will get some explanations from the assessment and be able to use this to explain his problems to school. Any idea who you will be seeing in May or what they'll be looking for?

heather1 Tue 04-Mar-14 16:50:55

Its a doctor for a neuropsychological assessment. So it should give the school more help about how to help him academically. I keep on thinking that why will find something to 'fix him'. Then I realise what I actually mean is that I want too find things that will make life easier and more understandable for him.
I don't want him fixed if you see what I mean but I would like life to be less of a challenge for him.
If you met him and spent a day with him you would think he is a totally NT kid. But he really isn't. So many things he finds so so hard and just incomprehensible.
But he is so lovely and unique and I wouldn't change him for the world. I'm just so please he has a happy and supportive home environment to come home too.
Someone who has spent a lot of time with him, kind of like a councillor, thinks he has hints of Aspergers with some language processing issues thrown in.

ouryve Wed 05-Mar-14 10:39:08

You're right, a diagnosis mostly isn't about fixing, but about understanding and supporting. And adolescence is often so much harder for a child with AS to navigate - with understanding and support, that can be made a little easier for him.

Things like language can be fixed to some extent, with the right intervention. Hopefully, you'll be referred onto a SLT who is able to discern the higher order language difficulties he probably has. The biggie is usually inference which can trip our children up both in school work and real life. It can be frustrating to need everything spelled out but the skills needed to get past that are quite straightforward to work on.

moosemama Wed 05-Mar-14 13:07:48

He sound very like my ds (11, Aspergers). He was diagnosed just before he was 9 and like your ds could pass for NT to many people, but is far from it in reality. He also have subtle language processing issues, that are only now starting to be addressed, as the indie school he's gone to for secondary has on-site SLT.

My ds is highly anxious and at your ds's age really struggled to tell anyone what was wrong. We used to have to 'decode' him by asking lots of careful questions and he would only ever give an inch when he snuggled up in bed. What was at the root of it was difficulty with emotional literacy. He didn't know how he was feeling, let alone how to explain it to someone else. He suffered terribly with bullying in primary and is still having some issues in secondary. Part of this is to do with him misreading the intention of other pupils, part that he is forthright and will tell other pupils not to do something that is wrong or breaks the rules (he was the defender of all ants, snails, worms and bugs in his playground and it got him into a lot of trouble with NT boys that liked to do what boys will do with small creatures). He was also an easy target because he was small and quirky. sad

We developed a Feelings Diary for him to help develop his emotional understanding and ability to share. To start with he just ticked an emoticon to say how his day had gone. Iirc he had a choice of basic emoticons for happy, normal, sad to begin with and we worked up to things like confused. When he was confident doing that once a day, we got him to do it with his teacher after break, after lunch and at hometime. Eventually we built up to him saying a word about why he felt that way and then very slowly a sentence (which the teacher recorded). By the time he left y6 he was filling it in 4 times a day and had started voluntarily breaking it down to how he was feeling within sessions (so had finally recognised that he was feeling several different emotions not only throughout the day, but also within relatively small timescales). It's a slow process to begin with, but gathers pace and we've found it has really helped ds not only to recognise his own emotions, but to be able to talk about how he's feeling and why with people he trusts.

If you are interested, there are a couple of books on Amazon here and here that might help.

One thing that has been said on here a lot is that it's often a good idea to use strategies designed for dcs with AS, even if there's no diagnosis, as they can't harm and they may very well help.

Have you read The Complete Guide to Aspergers by Tony Attwood. It's a very good starting place for getting ideas on how to offer support at home and also get the school to understand why and where they need to make adjustments.

Fwiw, I cope by watching crap tv and eating chocolate as well. In fact I have just made a batch of microwave brownies because I have no chocolate in the house. blush

heather1 Wed 05-Mar-14 18:20:15

Thank you for your replies. Ds2 was ill today so I've been at home with them. Moosemama your lovely reply really reminds me so much of my Ds. Today learning support suggested I started a diary on Ds to record what's happening with him and look for possible triggers. The emotions diary for him sounds like a good idea too.
I'm not in the uk so sometimes it is really hard to find out what is out there for Ds. Most of it will be in German and because he is in an international school he won't be able to access it bec he isn't in the Swiss system. ( thank goodness tho as when he was it almost destroyed him)
Last year he was seeing a lovely person once a week and she was explaining social situations to him. I think I must go back to his doctor and ask for a referral. We were paying for his sessions ourself but it was just financially too much about £800 a month. We didn't realised that we might be able to access it through our insurance policy. But it was so helpful bec he had a safe space to speak, he gets so cross and also sees himself as my protector and so he won't tell me his problems as he has seen me upset about bullying in the past.
It make such a difference to be able to post and ppl answer who have an understanding.i hope I'll look back when he is grown and know I did my best for him.

moosemama Wed 05-Mar-14 18:27:07

Hi heather

Keep posting and introduce yourself on the Goose and Carrot chat thread, as it really does help to chat with others who understand - and there's usually lots of virtual chocolate being passed around on a Friday night as well. grin

Just re-read some of my post and am very blush at all the typing errors. Shocking! blush

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