What can I ask school to do, for dd with potential AS?

[Mapleleaf3]

Longtime lurker, The SN boards on here are great!

Dd just turned five last week and is starting year 1 on wed. Reception didn't go brilliantly but I think school is reasonably open to supporting her, but I just don't know what practical things I can and should request. She has seen the community paediatrician and is being referred to a psychiatrist next. Lots of anger and masses of anxiety, especially social. Very attached to dh and I, very very shy and often mute around others. She has had a bad summer and is already saying she does not want to go to school, that there are too many people and it is too loud. We have just started seeing an OT as it seems clear she has some sensory issues. Dd is quite bright, has a social and very happy older sister (and a younger one too) so I think she has been learning a lot from dd1 and masking a lot. However, either her social skills are decreasing or the gap between her and her peers is increasing, because she is struggling more and more to socialise with friends and cope with life.

No anger issues at school, just very quiet and withdrawn and anxious. But major meltdowns as soon as I would pick her up and at home, though when not angry or melting down, could also be very happy and cheerful at home.

Anyways, hope that is a brief description of dd. I know aspergers or asd is a potential diagnosis but I imagine the wait to see the psychiatrist will take many months, so I need to be doing stuff in the meantime.

My question is really, what should I be pushing school to do? They don't really have any experience of kids like her. There are several kids with asd at school, but none of them internalise and withdrawn quite like dd, so I don't think they really know what to do. However, I think if I push them (and threaten to HE, which whilst not my first choice atm, is certainly an option), they would be willing to do more, but I just don't know what to push for. Actually, the paediatrician also suggested finding a very tiny private school, with small classes, as dad's current school is big and the worry is that even with lots of changes and accommodations, it might never be the right place for her according to the paediatrician.

I am creating visual timetables at home, so that is something I can request. I know she will need a particular adult to be left with each morning. The head, who is also the SENCO (and has not yet inspired me in either of her roles yet, though thankfully her teacher and the SEN manager seem better) suggested ear defenders but dd has said no way, she hates standing out so anything to help her needs to be unobtrusive.

What else should I ask for? I have already got a grudging ok to take her home in the afternoons, after they do afternoon registrar, if she seems too mentally exhausted (this was an issue last year). They turned down our request to have her repeat reception and join the younger cohort, unfortunately.

Thanks in advance for your thoughts.

[Mapleleaf3]

Thank you poltergoose, that is really helpful. I had not thought about getting school to keep a record like that, though it is what I am attempting to do at home. Given that I am struggling, with just my three dds, I can't imagine how the teacher could do it with 30 kids to look after. But maybe it will highlight to them that dd2 needs extra help and support.

Should have made it clearer, I would not be picking her up early every day, I was thinking maybe once a week. Head had suggested she could leave half hour early every day, but that seemed slightly pointless as it is not much extra time to be away from school and we would still have to stay at school to get dd1, at regular ending time. So at least if I picked her up after lunch one day, she would have the whole afternoon and I mig be able to get a friend to pick up dd1, one day a week. I would say that every month or two, by the end of term, dd2 would fall asleep on the sofa around 5 pm and then literally sleep for 36 hours straight, before waking properly two days later, looking rested and ready for school. But there were very regular meltdowns almost daily, rarely more than a foot outside her classroom door. I think it is all very mentally exhausting for her.

Regarding EHCPs, I have wondered about this. The head made it clear that she didn't think dd2 would ever get a statement (she is obviously bright and not disruptive, so easy to ignore that she is falling to pieces from anxiety and exhaustion, inside) but the SEN manager seemed to think that the head should never have said this. I absolutely think that she can't continue this way (unless something drastic changes when she starts year 1, but I can't see it changing enough for her to cope). Is it advisable to wait for a diagnosis before applying for an EHCP or should we start now, given how long e process may take? I think she may be difficult to diagnose, which is why she is being referred to a psychiatrist, rather than the MDA which I gather would be the usual next step for a diagnosis, around here at least). But should I just start out applying anyways? Is it better to push the school to apply or just do it myself?

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

With regards to your 3rd paragraph the SEN manager in my view was correct.

I would make the application myself and asap. Do not let school do it.

Have a look at IPSEA's website //www.ipsea.org.uk as it has a mine of information useful to you on it.