Breaking point with DS :(

[adrianna22]

Hi everyone

I'm finding it hard with DS 4, who's severely language delayed and ASD.

I don't know if the reason DS is like this because he's spoilt, or if this may be a routine issue resulting from his ASD, or the fact that his language is delayed and therefore he can't understand.

With DS, every time we go out, I don't need to prep him. If his going to a new place, it doesn't bother him, if we take the usual bus route home and it diverts, this does not faze him, I took him to nursery and when taking him there and realising that there was no nursery, we went back home, he didn't care. He can be going to nursery for 2 years and next I take him to a complete nursery, without no preparation, he does not even flinch. We can be sleeping over at someone's house, who he doesn't even know or seen before and yet he will be fine.

But...

But.

When he sees that KFC, sweet shops, supermarkets etc, any fast food chain. Hell breaks loose.

We went somewhere today and he saw the cinema, which he has been before, but very long ago. Anyway, he was throwing a big tantrum as he wanted to watch a certain film in the cinema.I just wanted to die on the spot with all those glares.

Even if we go to a new place/ route and he sees that KFC, sweet shops etc. He still cries if we do not go there.

I thought that the reason he was like this was because he felt like his routine has been disturbed.

So I did the usual timetables consistently fore four months. It did not work, all DS did was point out the resemblance from the pictures, I.e. If he saw TESCO he would look at the TESCO, point to the picture and then look at me. He was basically showing me the places rather realising it was a routine.

Also, there have been two occasions that I had to change our routine and didn't put this on the time table and of course it didn't faze DS.

Even when we go out shopping, he starts crying if I don't buy him what he wants.

The issue is, I do most of the time give in to DS needs. Which needs to change, I just find his tantrums hard to deal with.

With DS though distractions do work, but sometimes I cannot be bothered to distract him as I'm just too upset.

The only thing that has worked is when... I went out with DS and I accidentally past the KFC, he obviously pointed and cried to go into KFC. So what I did is that I used a sign that he understood, I think I must did a "book" sign which he always uses for library. So when I did this he signed back and pointed to the library which was across the road. His tantrum instantly stopped.

I have no idea why that worked.

This cannot continue, I don't know if the reason his like this is because of routine or the lack of understanding.

I'm just at breaking point about his behaviour.

[adrianna22]

Sorry I meant, at a complete different nursery.

[Bilberry]

I find it sometimes helps to acknowledge my ds's feelings - if he feels he is understood and his feelings are recognised he will often stop his tantrum even if he doesn't get what he want. (Working out what he wants while he having a tantrum can be very tricky though!) my ds communication is improving but I have found so many tantrums are to do with his wants not being understood rather than not being met. My ds doesn't have ASD and maybe this won't help you and doesn't always work for me.

[adrianna22]

Thanks Bilberry for telling me about your experience. It does help .

There are times where I do feel that sometimes it can be that DS feels that his needs are not being understood. At times, I do have to sign back to him as to make him feel reassured that I do get what he wants.

It's interesting, that even though that method works. I never really continued it...

[TigerLightBurning]

I agree that it sounds like a communication issue. Have you tried telling him that although he can't go to KFC now he will be able to go on Saturday say or tell him why he can't go there at the moment where he is going.

[TigerLightBurning]

On the Early bird course they talk a lot about the iceberg. How the behaviours you see are the bit of the iceberg above the water and all the causes of the behaviour are below the surface and you need to think about it from their point of view.
Have you been on an early bird course? www.autism.org.uk/our-services/residential-community-and-social-support/parent-and-family-training-and-support/early-intervention-training/find-out-more/parents-views.aspx

[adrianna22]

Hi tiger, DS would not understand any of the words, I.e. Let's go on Saturday, or an explanation of why he can't go there etc.

He has a severe delay in his understanding.

I know about the Early bird course, but haven't been able to look deeper into it. Thanks, since you've mentioned it, I would start looking Into it now as I've heard it's quite good.

[SneezySnuffaroo]

adrianna I don't have a solution for you but I've been there too. My DS is 4 and a half now and has autism and a speech delay/disorder. His language (expressively and receptively) has come on hugely in the last year which has made all the difference.

We'd have really similar situations to you. Massive tantrums when we had to leave the park etc. The problem, I can see now in hindsight, was that he just didn't understand, and just thought I was saying 'right, time to go, no more fun stuff'. Even if I tried to explain, we're going home to see Granny/have cake/go buy you a treat at the shops, he didn't have the language to understand what I meant.

Gradually, as his language improved, the tantrums lessened. Distraction helps, at a level he understood, and it sounds like your DS might be the same. I'd persevere with this. For us, distractions like 'time to go home for a snack' worked better than 'we'll come back on Saturday'. He didn't understand time.

And, in all honesty, there were certain places/situations that we avoided unless I had DH. Now that his language has improved, I don't need to do that as much. Bit of a ramble, but I hope that helped.

[autumnsmum]

Adrianna I sympathise dd2 has autism and wouldn't understand going to a shop a different day

[TigerLightBurning]

(My little one loves looking at calendars.)
If saying it doesn't mean anything to them then visuals should help you. Try to tell him in whatever way he does understand the plan for the day and use now and next. If you have a smart phone maybe show a picture of where you will be going or what you would be doing.

My DS has never been that great with visuals, he tends to throw them and it obviously takes a lot of commitment and time to get them sorted and remember to use them.

Since his understanding has improved and we remember to tell him the order of things we have a lot fewer scenes. If he shows an interest in something you could use it as an incentive to get him to do what you want first e.g. at the zoo he wanted to go on the bouncy castle but we had only been at the zoo a short time so we said we would see the monkeys first and then go on the bouncy castle and he was fine with that.

Don't worry about other people. All kids have their moments.

[chocisonabikinidiet]

DD has asd and does not do routines either (she rather micromanages the very little things).

How do you respond when he tantrums for something?

Dd went through a phase like your DS and we stopped giving in to tantrums. It was hard. Initially, her tantrums got worse (as she was used to the fact that tantrumming got her what she wanted so she kept tantrumming). But once she understood that they did not get her what she wanted, they faded away pretty quickly.

[chocisonabikinidiet]

Do you get any support in RL for your DS?

[ouryve]

What you do have to bear in mind is that he is still small enough to carry away from the scene of a tantrum/meltdown trigger, so it is imperative that you deal with this now.

Acknowledge his observation as telling you about things is actually a good thing. "Yes, DS, that's KFC"
Calmly acknowledge but deny his request. "No KFC today. We'll have lunch at home."
If he kicks off, firmly move him on. Ignore the noise. Definitely don't give in, as he'll take away the wrong message and you'll be no better off in the long run. So, just give a cheery "let's go!" or "time to go to...". If he's plastered himself to the pavement, scoop him up and carry him off.

While you're tackling this, you'll have to not be carrying too much. Use a backpack, so your hands are free. Do your major food shopping online if you're going to always be the only adult on an outing, so you only have to go out for top ups. Be prepared to abandon a shopping trip and go home a few times, until the message sinks in that whining/screaming/yelling/kicking will get him nowhere.

[autumnsmum]

Ouryve that is fab advice , I get shopping delivered but yesterday I was doing a top up shop I'd said we would go to asda but we ended up at sainsburys , I just kept saying we've got our food at sainsburys ,when dd kept saying asda

[MedusaIsHavingaBadHairday]

I agree with the above posters. Your son is communicating perfectly with you... he wants.. he tantrums..he gets! Speech and language is only a part of communication and he is making his desires very clear and getting them met!

My job with working with children with severe and non verbal autism and severe LDS and all the behaviours that frequently comes with the package (plus my own son has ASD) Ouryve has it on the nail...

Prepare for a hideous period ahead.. don't expect to shop, have fun, .. but help him UNlearn his learned behaviour..and your own. He WILL get worse at first.. after all the tantrums have worked so upping them has to be successful..in his mind.. but it is surprising how quickly a few 'not today- home now' followed by a scoooping up and moving on, can decrease them...and your own confidence at dealing with them in public too.

Honestly people are far less caring that you think!! I have had children (mine and my class kids) throwing the MOST almighty strops in public (it's even less funny when they are 6 ft tall ) , but my priority is the child, his welfare and safety but also his learning experience..and so I ignore the passersbye.

Don't give up with the visual time table? I found (with my son as well) that making a little strip of pictures.. for example car- sainsbury- park-home help.. show them before you go out , keep them with you as a reminder. They won't prevent the kick off but they help to reinforce the plan of the day. I use actual photos of shops, or symbols depending on the child. And keep language to a minimum ..one key word, two key word sentences.. ' car then home' 'Standing UP'
'Hitting STOPS' with the important word at the end as it's the word likely to be processed and understood..it actually really makes a difference :)

Hang in there.. get tough.. it is worth it, and he will gradually understand more, honestly:):)