Ds1 told me he wished he had someone who could understand his games

[Saker]

After a happy afternoon at a friend's house today Ds1 (7)said to me that he wished he had someone who could understand his games rather than who he had to lead through simple games, as he does Ds2( 5, special needs). I had real trouble not to burst into tears as he said that it didn't mean he didn't love Ds2 and he wouldn't want not to have him he just wished that he could play with him better. I wish it too! and it makes me feel sad to know he's missing out although it's inevitable. I know that a lot of you have had similar experiences with siblings and there isn't much that can be done but it does seem so unfair .

[sphil]

I know just what you mean. DS2 takes very little notice of DS1 unless he's playing a jumping, hiding or rough and tumble game. They're only 16 months apart in age, yet DS1 wants to play complicated imaginary games with dinosaurs and Bionicles. He doesn't even try to play with DS2 most of the time, sadly - if we ask him to, he just says 'he won't understand'. When we were on holiday Ds1 was jumping down some steps and Ds2 was watching him, laughing and saying 'Woo, woo' (for some reason!) DS1 was so pleased and kept doing it over and over again.

I wish I knew how to encourage more interaction between them (or even if I should). For me, it's the saddest thing about Ds2's ASD - the lack of a sibling relationship - which was the main reason I had a second child, tbh.

[Saker]

We have that with Ds1 and Ds2 - that Ds1 will do something over and over if it makes Ds2 laugh (the most recent example being DS1 repeatedly saying "Hello Ds2 said Ds1's willy" which Ds2 found hilarious.) They do have quite a good relationship generally and play together quite a bit but Ds1 has to work at it really hard - is basically like an adult so he can't keep it up for long and I don't blame him. The ironic thing is that Ds2 loves to play with Ds1, will always go with him if Ds1 offers to do something with him and gets upset if Ds1 ignores him. So they both want a relationship where they can play together but can't really achieve it at the moment at least .

[sphil]

Is their relationship something which has always been there, or have you done anything to foster it? I think our problem is the particular combination of personalities:DS2 is oblivious to his peers most of the time and DS1 is very independent in his play and tends not to make an effort with his NT peers if they don't make an effort with him. I'm hoping it'll get better as they get older but would like any tips to encourage interaction between them. We try to do a play session with both of them before bed, which works quite well.

[Saker]

Sphil, they did always have quite a good relationship I think. Ds2 has always looked up to Ds1 and one of his first words was "Bruvver" . Although Ds1 gets frustrated with Ds2 he misses him when he's not there and can't wait for him to wake up in the morning even though he knows he will knock all his knights down or whatever. I think the RDI has helped Ds2 with participating and wanting to be "with us" in general. At the moment we never get a moment's peace - he's always wanting us to come and do something with him and quite good at manufacturing things that need doing to get our attention. Ironically I think this has hit Ds1 rather hard especially over the summer holidays. Ds2 tends to talk indiscrimminately and loudly and Ds1 can't make himself heard over the top. He has suddenly developed a very bad stammer which I think started off as a sort of attention seeking thing. I'm hoping it will go away when he gets back to school.

Sorry that's all irrelevant really. In answer to your question I can't really say that there is anything specific that we have done. And whilst they have a good sort of relationship, is is not a normal sibling relationship - Ds1 is forced to play a much more adult role, and is maybe starting to feel the strain now.

[sphil]

One thing DS2 does love doing is cuddling DS1 (naked I'm afraid). They were doing it for ages in the bath tonight and what it does do is encourage eye contact between them and seems to make DS1 talk to DS2 (which he doesn't do much, otherwise, unless it's to tell him not to do something). Looks a bit dodgy though - lots of full frontal contact .

[Saker]