Why do other parents make me feel so inadequate??

[Lakette]

Feeling really low. Have just returned from a coffee morning where all the other 10 month old babies were crawling around, stuffing things into their mouths and generally getting on with each other fantastically
My dd however doesnt do all these things (although she can sit) she just sat and watched what was going on then continued to scream as she spends probably 50 mins out of every waking hour doing.
The thing at the moment is that we havent got a dx - We know there is something not right (and I seem to be fantastic at scaring myself on the internet trying to self-diagnose) but the professionals are just monitoring altho they sticking with Global developmental delay and hypermobility
What however gets me is these parents who have wonderful children who seem to think that she is like she is because of the way that we are bringing her up - they look at me as I try to cajole her into not screaming as if to say 'well if you let her cry she wouldnt be like that' - Thats fine but when we have left her to cry she gets her self so hysterical and can never EVER calm herself down - sorry for rant but just get really frustrated by well meaning mothers and think it would be easier to just not meet up with other mums with children of similar age but then think I would go out of my mind!

[KBear]

People are quick to judge if they don't know your circumstances, we are all guilty of it sometimes.

Are these women friends that you meet up with or strangers at a baby group? Could you chat to one of them about your concerns for your DD and where you are at with the professionals etc and maybe one sympathetic ear will produce more over time.

Also you are feeling that everyone is looking at your child but they are so wrapped up in there own little darlings they probably look less than you think.

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

Have you tried a coffeee morning at the local toy library for when children with sn go

I was going to one when ds2 was tiny and we all had kids with differing needs and dx's and it was goodfun as it wasnt judgemental etc
just the best interests for the kids

still see some of the mums at the school and ds2 is 9.
hugs
xxx

[Marina]

Lakette, ask your HV if there are any support groups for mums in your position locally. I think you could do with some unobtrusive sympathetic support right now, not with feeling like you are on display.
Your post makes me feel so sad. We had a postnatal group with one baby who was born at 23 weeks so for a long time was really small and very much behind on meeting his milestones. He also cried a lot when young.
We all did our best to help his mum, not make her feel bad.
Good luck with getting a dx for your dd and I hope you are getting good support from a paediatrician.

[desperateSCOUSEwife]

ps you are not inadequate

until someone is in the position of yourself, they have no place to judge

just keep on doing what you are doing
xxx

[MegaLegs]

Lakette - where do you live. i am in exactly the same boat with ds. he is 14 months - can just sit, No dx yet but he has GDD, hypermobility and hypotonia. I'd love to meet with other mums in same situation.

[Marina]

If MAMA (Meet a Mum) operate in your area they are good at putting similarly placed mums together for mutual support.

[SenoraPostrophe]

oh lakette.

if it helps, I guarantee that at least half of the other parents are not really thinking that your dd's crying is your fault. It's very easy to mis-read people's expressions when you're stressed.

I hope you find out what's making her cry so much soon.

[geekgrrl]

lakette, sounds like you really need to find a SN babies & preschoolers' group so that you can let your hair down a bit.
Does your dd have Portage? Portage workers are usually good at putting you in touch with a support network or even just one or two other mums in your situation. Or try ringing your child development centre, they often run groups like this or at least know of them.
I used to find it heartbreaking to attend mainstream baby stuff with my dd when she was little so I really feel for you.

[Jimjams2]

oh no keep away from normal parents - at this age its too painful, especially if they are all crowing about their baby's development. If you get something from it then fine, but if it makes you feel 1000 times worse then don't. I went through it with ds1 (severely autistic) and found that because I was concerned with ds2 and ds3 (much higher risk) that mixing with normal parents when they were young was the quickest route to basketcaseness-dom for me, so I didn't go. Important not to get isolated though so well worth seeking out others.

Where are you? I'm in SW England and have been meaning and meaning and meaning to set up a coffee mornings for people with kids with SN.

Agree to try portage or the local cdc, perhaps see if they can put you in touch with others in the same boat- perhaps leave your phone number of others to ring.

[Lakette]

Wow - that was quick you have just all made me cry - I think that is the worst of it really - I seem to be coping really well and then boom! it just hits me and for a couple of days seem to do nothing but cry all the time and imagining the worse - My poor dh, he is fantastic but I think he gets frustrated because he cant make it all better for me/us - he seems to cope far better than me anyway - I am a bit jealous of him really because he can accept her for her whereas I just keep asking why
We have just moved to near Bromley in Kent and so far have had mixed experiences with the development centre (we moved from Lambeth who altho were massively overstretched seemed to just be a lot more caring) The Paediatrician was useless, basically asked loads of questions and didnt even look at Merran and then just said 'yes development behind where it should be and come back in 6 months'
The thing is Merran can be really amazing at times (she has started feeding herself, brushes her teeth) yet for most of the time she just seems to be totally 'unaware'/disinterested in the world around her and if it werent for the fact that she has had an MRI I would be convinced that there is further damage lurking!
Oh yes, to top it all off today, one of our new neighbours has just come round to see if everything is ok because 'the baby cries so much!' apparently when she was a nanny she looked after a little girl who cried all the time and turned out she had epilepsy -mmmm thats nice of her to tell me!

[KBear]

Lakette - I live near Bexleyheath if you fancy meeting for a coffee sometime as you're new to the area. My two are in school so I am free as a bird. I certainly won't judge but I am a good listener!

[Jimjams2]

oohhh noooo I used to live in Bromley....... Got nowhere with the CDC there you have my sympathies- we were put on a 2 year waiting list for the "comlplex communication disorder" unit or something. We moved to Devon after 8 months on the list.

I tink portage is quite good in Bromley though (we didn\t get that far) maybe try ringing them for advice. Also I know there are SN nursery sessions in Petts Wood- my friend used to volunteer there, I'll ask her about it.

[springgreens]

Lakette, I can really relate to what you experienced this morning. I used to find tot groups absolutely hideous and remember judgemental mothers saying things like "Ooh he isn't very well socialised" !!! - my son has ASD. It used to absolutely kill me tho and who are these awful people who think they have the right to criticise others parenting? We all know that it's hard enough having children, but when your child isn't developing 'normally' it's doubly hard on all levels and they must recognise that your baby's crying is really hard for you.

In the end I too avoided baby groups, but it's such a shame that it's those parents that are most in need of support that are being pushed out; by being made to feel down on themselves and their child. I am in the process of starting up a really inclusive group in reaction to the kinds of attitudes that you've described and am really looking forward to taking part in something that we've unfairly missed out on before. THe other parents involved have a mix of NT and SN children, but the idea is to include everyone and make it easier for mothers/fathers to make new friends. All tots groups can be cliquey and horrible especially if - like me - you're not massively confident socially. They can also feel like you and your child are on show and that's such a pressure.

As others have said I would strongly recommend that you forge links with other parents with babies/toddlers with special needs. There is nothing like the support of other parents to bolster you when times are hard. Interrogate health/education professionals for numbers and make yourself known on websites like this - there are bound to be other mums in your area who are feeling like you and would love to meet up. They might be just round the corner?

In the meantime, meet with us on Special Needs and talk when you need to. This is a really good forum for breaking down the feelings of isolation. Big thumbs up to the special needs MNrs from springgreens. Stay strong Lakette x

[PeachyClairHasBadHair]

Sympathies

I'm a sucker for this paranoia myself, but perhaps we are a little paranoid? Just a thought, but are these Mums a) scared rigid that they could be in your shoes and don't know what to say; or B) admitring you for coping so well you can make it to coffee mornings (coz I can't).

I may be quite wrong and if you search there's threds from meon this, and it feels absolutely horrid. But please don't make yourself feel bad second guessing what everyone thinks, it won't help you.

We had to got o tesco last night and Sam always crawls round Tesco (not Asda, just tesco- just this branch in fact) and I found myself getting increasingly paranoid, muttering 'it's autism OK? I can't make him stop it! You're the one with the problem if you can't handle it' very loudly and aggresively

[Marina]

Well, I have no experience of SN as a parent and I work outside the home Monday to Friday, but I do live in New Eltham not so far from Bromley, lakette, and am very happy to help you track down potential sources of support locally.
The Petts Wood playgroup sounds promising - it is a nice suburb.

[singyswife]

Hi, have just read your thread. Have you tried the Pains website. My sister in law is a member as her son is autistic. They are very supportive. It is a special needs website. I know everyone here is supportive too but people, although sympathetic, might not understand. Try this, hope you feel better soon.

[coppertop]

I think that portage for support and an SN group for your sanity would be great.

Lots of sympathy. xxx

[threebob]

Do the other mothers know? Do they ask you about your life? Or is it just all about them and their perfect offspring?

I found my coffee group was massively depressing and only attended when I had literally nothing else to do (and I looked pretty hard). It wasn't until ds was featured in a magazine that they all realised what my life was like in the first year of ds's life.

[gracej]

I feel for you. I went through the same issues when DS was that age, and not knowing the reason for his delay was the worst thing. Luckily I had some nice mums in my group.
Is there at least one mum in the group that you think could understand what you are going through? I think it is not good to just cut yourself and your baby off like that.
You have nothing to be embarrassed about. It is good for your DS to see other babies. Maybe you could choose one or two mums that seem more understanding and see them separately?
Having gone through all this dilema myself not may months ago, my word of advice to you is PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE insist on therapy for your DD (physio and ocupational) as soon as possible, even if you don't have a DX. The sooner the better.
I can also tell you that after therapy, once you see your child improving and once you accept and understand what is happening to her, you will be able to handle meeting other babies much more easily. That is how I feel now.
Good luck xxx

[Lakette]

Feeling much better today - Would say have had the best day since she was born - Have just been out for lunch and she sat in the highchair fantastically smiling at everybody - totally different baby from yesterday - Its amazing how as soon as they are happy your day improves a hundred fold!!
The group that I go to on a thursday morning are fantastic - obviously very hard looking at the other babies (5 of them were born in the same week so cant help but compare) but the girls are really understanding and as soon as they see it getting too much for me organise a night out when we go out and baby talk is forbidden
Funnily enough it is the friends that I have known since school that say the worst things but I think that is because they dont really understand what is wrong with her and cant accept that because she hasnt got a dx things cant be that bad!
Still after yesterday had a HUGE bottle of red wine last night and now we are off for a 2 week much needed holiday so feeling lots better
Thanks for all your support xxx