dd2 laughed at in school - dd1 v. upset :-(

[geekgrrl]

Dd1(nearly 7) and dd2 (5 with Down's syndrome and hearing loss) both attend the v. small local primary school. The school is lovely and everything had been problem-free until today.
When we got home dd1 burst into tears and said that some of the girls from her class had been laughing about dd2 in the playground. Dd2 needed the toilet and had hitched up her dress in the playground on her way to the loo. She said the girls were laughing about dd2 nastily and that it made her really sad. She said she started crying and went to sit down on a bench for a cry, because she felt so bad for dd2 who does the best she can and has to work so hard at everything.
I feel really sad for dd1, dd2, and that we have met our first problem at school. To top it off, the ringleader is a good friend of dd1's and due to come for a sleepover in 10 days' time. I don't really feel like having her here now tbh.

I guess I'll have a word with the class teacher on Monday (she's also the SENCo) and I'm sure the school will deal with it appropriately. But I feel sad for dd1. I've tried to find out about sibling groups but there aren't any in the area, and our local Carers' Resource is shambolic and amateurishly run.

[Marina]

What does dd1 think about cancelling the sleepover and your telling the mother precisely why?
This would get major attention at ds' school, on the spot. Really and for you all.

[Northerner]

Hi there. God, some kids can be so cruel can't they? Feel for you all, esp our dd's.

I'm certain the school will deal with it approriatley, and I would not think twice about cancelling the sleep over. I would at least tell the Mum what has happenned and tell her to talk to her dd before she comes to your house.

xx

[coppertop]

How horrible. I must admit that I would be seriously considering cancelling the sleepover. The strain of trying to be nice and polite while seething would be too much for me I'm afraid.

[geekgrrl]

dd1 got all upset when I said I didn't really want the child in question here. She's in a bit of a 'friends limbo' at the moment, her best friend moved away suddenly in February and it's been hard for her - she's desperate for a new 'best friend' and this girl was the likely candidate I think.
I'm worried that if I cancel I'll upset dd1 even more - but if I don't, this child will see all the 'weird' stuff dd2 does at home. And will it just become fodder for further piss-taking?

[Thomcat]

Oh God
Feel gutted for you but froma totally selfabsorbed side, sorry, feel sick for Lottie at the same time.
It's the sort of thing I dread.

At this point, the way I feel after reading your post, which incidentally made my eyes well up immediatley, I have to say if it was me I know I wouldn't be able to have that child in my house. It's just the way I am. I hate, despise that sort of cruel mickey taking and for her to know your DD's, sorry it's unacceptable.

Ohhhh I feel I'm back there in the playground myself and want to run over and poull that little girls pigtails. Must remember I'm an adult and calm down.

Just feel so hurt for you DD's.
Bless your DD1 She sounds an absolute sweetie and she must feel so crap that her darling sister was being teased. Wish I could give her the hug I'm feeling for her right now.

[puddle]

Geeky your post has had me in tears, partly because your dd1 sounds such a love! I hope my two have such a great relationship as they get older.

I would definitely talk to the school - this needs to be dealt with. I wonder why no-one on duty noticed what was happening?

I wouldn't cancel the sleepover but I might be tempted to put the mother of the girl 'on notice' that your dd is upset and why, and that she may not want to go ahead with it.

[Thomcat]

Oh jesus! What a dilema. Can understand you wanting DD1 to have freinds. but not friends like that. What do you do though?

[Thomcat]

I agree, think the mum has to know and letting the mum know you might have to pull out and the reason why is a good way to go about it.

[geekgrrl]

TC, I'd hoped you wouldn't see my post.

I'm really leaning towards not having her here - I just feel that dd2 has a right to not have anyone around who think it's fine to take the piss out of her disability, particularly in her own home.

I'm just trying to work out how to tell dd1. Without making her feel it's her fault somehow for telling me.

Thanks for all the lovely responses, btw. It really helps to talk about it.

[beckybrastraps]

If I was the mum of the girl who was laughing I would want to know. Children can be thoughtlessly, ignorantly cruel, and I would want to try to deal with this sort of attitude in my children.

[Thomcat]

Crying even more now, at work.
I'd always want to know if you were having a shit time babes, no matter how that in turn may or may not make me feel with regard to Lottie. Never feel you can't come and cry on my shoulder. We need to be ther for each other at these times.

If you don't feel you can have that child in your house, then don't, I wouldn't, no-one on here would.

Treat DD1, tell her you are so prod for feeling the way she does and =for telling you, that she did the right thing. Discuss with her that maybe her friend shouldn't come over for now becasue oif thois and take her and DD2 somewhere lovely for the day instead.

[littlerach]

What a wonderful sister she has.
And what a wonderful daughter you have.

Do you think some of it is caused simply through ignorance?
Perhaps by having the child in your home she will understand a little more about her?

But completely understand if you didn't want to do uit.

[Mascaraohara]

Oooh Poor dd's!

Could you have a word with the mum and still invite the girl over, perhaps getting to know your dd2 might make her less likely to pick on her and feel in a way more protective of her?? or are they too young for that. Sorry I have no experience so should probably be quiet! just your post was really sad

[Northerner]

On the other hand, if this friend of dd1's sees dd2 i her home environment and gets to know her maybe that will improve things? Educate her in a way?

I don't know, but I had a cousin who had CP, he was a year older than me and I adored him. My 'friends' would take the mick and call him names. I used to get so angry, and I was a very placid child - it even drove me to punch a girl once. However, they got to know him and we used to push him around the estate in his wheelchair, then they all grew to love him in the end.

[cupcakes]

what does the mum of this girl seem like? Is she approachable? Maybe you could explain to her that you are anxious having her around dd2 after this incident and that you are only prepared to have her to stay if this girl is made to understand that she needs to respect dd2. Maybe if she visited she might become more understanding of dd2 and it could curb future playground incidents.
But maybe I'm just optimistic.
Bless your dd1 - she sounds wonderfully sweet.

[geekgrrl]

Northerner, that's another reason why I'm so upset - they all know each other very well at the school because there are only 70 children in total there, and dd1's and dd2's class share a playground. And the other little girl has been to our house a couple of times before.

TBH I've noticed before that she's not the nicest child - she can be a bit 'bitchy' in the special way only 7 year girls can manage.

Dd1 is like the poster child for why it's good to have a sibling with SN. She's exceptionally kind and caring . Of course she can also be a complete PITA. at times.

[geekgrrl]

the girl's mum is lovely, and her stepmum (she lives with dad and stepmum) is nice too. But of course the thought of telling them this makes my stomach churn! (I'm a coward really).

[Kelly1978]

I would also want to knwo if it was my dd that was laughing at your dd. I really think you need to say, no not this week, because of the upset. By I do think that it would be a good idea to invite her over after her parents have had chance to talk to her. Chances are they will be mortified and will deal with the situation. Then the little girl would be able to meet dd2 and that should put an end to it all. It's a horrible situation to be in, but the little girl is only 7 and needs to learn rather than be cut off. I would view it as a chance to change her views of downs.

[KTeePee]

Was going to post something similar about an incident I witnessed today in our school playground - as we arrived I noticed that a girl in ds's class who has DS was surrounded by a group of boys from her class (Reception) who were chanting her name in a way that made me feel very angry and sad - like they were trying to deliberately wind her up. She looked bewildered and a bit upset. I don't know how much has been explained to them about her SNs but I think they have noticed she is "different' in some ways and were picking on her (not to say they wouldn't do the same to any other child btw). I mentioned the incident to the teacher as they all went in but I was annoyed that a group of mothers were already standing nearby chatting totally oblivious to what their little darlings were doing (ds started to go over to see what was going on and I pulled him away) but also that the girl's mother was at the opposite end of the playground, also oblivious. My instinct would be to protect the girl if she was mine, but maybe that's not the right way to deal with it... would appreciate the views of anyone here who has a child with Special Needs - also should I start explaining things to my ds or leave it to the teacher (who is a very kind person btw)

[frogs]

Oh geekgrrl, how horrid. But 7yo girls can be quite fickle in their horribleness, so don't read too much into this girl's motivation. And it is the most insecure children who need to point out any non-conforming thing in other children to make themselves feel better, whether it's wearing glasses, having an SN or simply having the wrong colour knickers. I used to point this out to dd1 when she was getting picked on for having glasses and an eyepatch and it did help a bit.

Can I recommend a Jacqueline Wilson book called Sleepovers? It's probably aimed at the age group slightly above your dd1, but you could read it in chapters at bedtime. It deals with exactly this kind of situation, except that the narrator's older sister has CP. Various girls that she'd quite like to be friends with all go to each other's sleepovers and indulge in various kinds of girly nastiness. Heroine is terrified that the girls will reject her when they come to her house because of her older sister's odd ways, but she turns out to be the heroine of the hour.

Come to that, you could purchase a copy of the book for your dd1's offending friend.

Hope things come good for your dds.

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

I think such spite happens primarily as a result of ignorance and fear - both are powerful feelings.

Children need to be taught about disability - after all one in every seven people on this planet have a disability of some sort. Ignorance is no excuse however, and they need to know that they were being unkind. It needs to be addressed by the school.

You may even want to give a talk about disability to the class - you can impart first hand knowledge.

Regarding your home I'd cancel the sleepover (give any old excuse) and do something really nice with your DDs instead.

[fattiemumma]

only read the OP.

I would advise you to have the sleepover. many children come across SN late in life and so are unaware of just the issues involved. its something different and thats why they laugh or stare.

maybe spending some time with your DD's will show her what a lovely fabulous girl your DD2 is. she may well be a little more educated and therefore less likely to call her names whan at school.

i feel for your dd's. as adults we understand that some people will give us funny looks through their ognorance but children just dont understand that. kids can indeed be very cruel but its becasue they dont know any better.

you can change that

[marthamoo]

As your dd1 doesn't want you to cancel the sleepover I'd use it as an opportunity to get this girl on her own (as in, away from her little coven) and talk to her about dd2. I don't mean in an "I know what you did, you horrible child" way but as if you don't know - just talk generally about Down's Syndrome, the challenges dd2 faces, how lovely it is she goes to a mainstream school where children are so kind to her - really pile on the guilt in and innocent "just chatting in general" sort of way. If this girl has a sensitive bone in here body she will feel really dreadful and, hopefully, will see how awful her behaviour was.

Your poor dd1

[Jimjamskeepingoffvaxthreads]

dreadful, it's a big problem with ms ime.

How does the girl get on with dd2 when she's not being mean? I've found some children just cannot cope with ds1 at all, if she falls into that category then I wouldn't have her in my house for the reasons you've listed- it's your dd's home fgs. If however she's normally OK then I would, and would do the "oh dd2 works so hard at learning things, and sometimes nasty children are horrible to her, but nice girls like you will always stick up for her" routine.