having a child with special needs

[musa]

Did it put you off, of having a second child. And did your second child have special needs to.

[Cappucino]

we had genetic testing to see if dd's cp was something that might occur again

but no
and no

[musa]

Socci sorry but what is NT???

[musa]

Fio Fio thank's , my son is gonna be ascessed for autism in about 3 week's time, but im sure he does have autism.

I really want another child, but my dh does'nt i feel so sad sometime's, when i see pregnant ladies.

[lou33]

my oldest was born with various sn, we had a 20% chance of having another child with the same stuff

number 2 was ok as was number 3

number 4 has sn but nothing to do with the sn of number 1

my oldest has no sn now tho

[musa]

lou33 that is so nice to hear, because so many people tell me that if i did have a second baby, there is a big chance that he/she will have some sort of special needs.

[macwoozy]

I feel a bit like you musa. I'm getting broody and I know if I leave it much longer it'll never happen. As well as autism I also have to consider health issues which in my case has a 50% chance of it passing onto each generation. I just don't know if I'm emotionally strong enough to go through all the concerns and worries again that I've already had with ds.

[geekgrrl]

hi there musa, my second baby was the one born with SN (Down's syndrome). We did go on to have a third - had the prenatal testing after literally years of soul-searching, even though my chance of having another child with DS was quite small - 1:350 I think.
Of course I still worried myself crazy about all the things they can't detect but ds (2.5) is just fine (apart from being a complete pain in the backside that is!).
I know it's all a lot less clear-cut when it's something that can't be tested for prenatally and/or when there is a high chance of reoccurence. My friend's dh had the snip even though they would have liked more children, but their ds has autism and they didn't feel up to chancing it (I think they were told the chance was 10% for autism - but wait for jimjams to come and give you the low-down on this, she's the pro). Of course there are plenty of people who do have more than one child with SN, and I suppose they just get on with it like the rest of us do.

[essbee]

Message withdrawn

[Pixel]

Dh and I have decided not to have any more although I was very broody for quite a long time. It's not because we wouldn't want another like ds because we all adore him but getting out and about with him is enough of a struggle as it is. I really don't know how I would cope with a new-born baby as well. Also, I think there are enough constraints on dd's life having a brother with sn and I wouldn't want to add more. Of course, she doesn't really know any different but I see what she misses out on. At the weekend she had a little school friend to stay and it was wonderful seeing her doing all the things that other children get to do with their siblings. Just silly little things like playing swingball still in their pyjamas, playing monopoly and making candy-floss. DD is close to ds but they tend to play alongside each other rather than with each other (eg on the computer)and it's not the childhood I imagined for her.

If we had another nt child now there would be an eleven year age gap, so still not a playmate for dd and if we had another sn child, well as socci says everything is such a battle. I'm not sure I've got the energy to do it all again although I suppose it's easier the second time around. Dh and I are both agreed though that if I became pregnant by accident we go ahead and have the baby so never say never!

[musa]

Hi essbee i would love to have more children, and i would have another 10 of my ds if i could. People always cope with whatever problems they have with their children, you have to.

My main concern is if anything ever happened to both me and my dh, that somebody else will not be able to cope with children with special needs, i do get alot of help from my family, and i know if anything did ever happen he will be in good hands.

But it's the thought that crosses my mind and my husband's mind all the time, i just can't help it.

[essbee]

Message withdrawn

[essbee]

Message withdrawn

[essbee]

Message withdrawn

[eidsvold]

Dd1 was born with heart defect and down syndrome. We had a standard chance of 1 in 100 of other children being born with down syndrome.

Never intended for dd1 to be an only child and in fact it took us no time at all to conceive dd2. Despite them finding soft markers for down syndrome in dd2's heart - we were not concerned. TO be honest I was more scared of being the mum of a NT child than a child with SN. Being the mum to a little girl with DS was all I knew......

Now ( having learnt that dh also has a congenital heart defect and we have a 50% chance of our children having heart defects) we are still thinking about having no3. I am getting old - 38 in a few months and even that has not put us off.

[coppertop]

Ds1(6) is autistic. Ds2(3) is also autistic but is completely different to his brother. It's too early to know about dd(3mths) but I suspect that she is NT. Like Eidsvold I find that a bit scary tbh as I'm used to ASD.


In a lot of ways it's difficult having two on the autistic spectrum, especially when they're both kicking off at the same time. It can also be tough when they have very different likes/dislikes (which probably applies to NT children too). OTOH ds1 and ds2 have learned so much from each other. Ds1 has helped to calm ds2 down a little while at the same time ds2 has brought ds1 out of his shell a little. Ds2 is more sociable and outgoing, which has actually helped ds1. Meanwhile ds1 has been great at teaching ds2 "The Rules" that he has learned over the past couple of years. There are times when ds1 goes into hiding to get a much-needed break from ds2 but they are very close.

I've also found it a little easier the second time around as I have a much better idea of what I'm dealing with. I've been pretty lucky though as I haven't yet had to do a lot of battling to get help. The exception is probably access to OT for ds1.

[r3dh3d]

I always think it's interesting that a question like this draws out both how much we all have in common, and how very different everyone's experience with SN is. I think if DD1 had something like downs' we would have had no qualms at all. As it is, we had some misgivings: I just knew we couldn't cope with two like DD1 and tbh we still find just one very hard. DH had a completely other set of reservations: mostly around the amount of attention and emotional energy we need to pour into DD1 and whether a second child would just get the leftovers. But I was 39, and an only child wasn't really in the plan either....

What has turned out is that DD2 is, so far as we know (at 6m), NT and is at the same time both a treasure and a PITA: when you have a first child with severe social/communication problems it's a strange and guilty joy when you find your new baby is interested in what you are doing, or cries when you leave the room. But already she is starting to engage DD1 and draw her out and I think she will be very good for her - though I do still wonder what her childhood will be like.

[coppertop]

r3dh3d - lol at being both "a treasure and a PITA"! I'm torn between thinking how wonderful it is that dd cries because she feels lonely and thinking how much easier it was to have a baby who really couldn't give a rat's @rse whether anyone was in the same building, never mind the same room.

[mum2seb]

Well, I'm currently pregnant with no.2, and we discussed it for quite a while after ds1 was born. He has Spina Bifida, and there was quite a high chance of having another baby with it, which was greatly reduced by me taking monster doses of Folic acid. The worry I have is that I took folic acid the first time, the 400mcg that everyone is told to take, so why did it happen? We don't have any history of it on either side of the family. So I've got my fingers crossed that it was just a (happy) blip! It'll be wierd, though, not having to change a nappy 12 times a day for another child (if they're all right!), like I still have to do some days for my 2 year old ds! And it'll be very different, I hope, seeing a child do all the things they're supposed to when they are supposed to do it (eg walking, potty training etc). I'm still really nervous, though. I have a scan in 2 weeks to see if this baby has a brain (the worst kind of spina bifida). I thonk I just need to get over that part!

[Bumblelion]

My child with special needs is the youngest of three. She has a genetic condition (a one-off mutation, neither me or my ex-h are carriers). If she had been first born, it wouldn't have put me off having any more children.

[musa]

Everybody who has posted, the more i read all your posts, the more you guys are making me see it in another way.

I am now really thinking about having number 2, im so glad that i did this post, as i sometimes's don't even discuss things like this with my own family, but i feel i can always talk to mumsnet. I wish i was so brave like you guy's are.

Well everybody watch this space.......

[musa]

Mumtoseb good luck with your second baby.