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Please stand in the line with me! School pick-up time. Let's stand together!

(66 Posts)
Mummyoftheyear Sat 14-Sep-13 05:56:58

I'm so used to standing outside my son's class in semi-dread (some weeks full-dread) of what the teacher is going to speak to me about. Not that it's often terrible. But that it's terribly often.
While other mummies seem to wait, chat, collect and go, I pretend to smile and try to chat with my stomach fully lodged in my mouth.

Silent prayer while standing in the line: 'Gd I hope he's been good today. If not, please gd may other mums not hear/ notice that the teacher wants another word today.'

I thought it'd be nice to 'stand together' with other mums who dread pick-up time and all its uncertainty.
To share the "s/he had a good day"s; to celebrate the incredibly fantastic days when nothing was said by the teacher at all - and not just because you've made a quick escape! And, possibly most importantly, to stand together (listen, hug, sympathise and commiserate) when our children have had a bad day - or their teachers have complained again!

How was your child's day at school today?

SummerRain Sun 15-Sep-13 00:58:29

Reading that article I think I tend towards love bombing as a natural state of being blush I tell ds1 I love him even as he's punching me in the face. It works too, he responds far better to me than to dp whose natural response is anger and withdrawal.

With ds2 who is very anxious I've always let him rely on my love and support as much as he needs. Yes it looks like babying or pandering to some but it works.

Mummyoftheyear Sun 15-Sep-13 07:35:44

I think it (Love Bombing) must be a natural discovery for mummies of children who respond better go love than to anger. My son freaks out and shutters go down if I lose it with him. He's then not thinking about what he's done or what I'm shouting about ... just that love has been withdrawn and great anxiety until he gets a cuddle.
I do, however, have a difficulty with setting and keeping to boundaries. Last night I promised my DS 2 mins of battery testing (electricity is his thing) to find I'd avoided a meltdown by extending the time to one he'd be happier with. I still controlled the end point but it wasn't what I'd originally said _ again.
If I stuck to the many boundaries I lay down (usually "2 more minutes!"), I end up with a child for whom ice created a great but that it gets transformed into an entirely negative scenario. Struggling with that.

Lesley25 Sun 15-Sep-13 08:29:16

great idea re rainmac!

tigersmummy Sun 15-Sep-13 09:45:27

Horrah for this post! My DS (possible autism and/or SPD, CAMHS appt 2 wks time) has more good days than bad but I think he's now got a reputation for being difficult. Most mums in the playground are lovely but they still are too nosey and gossipy for my liking. The end of last for about 6-8 weeks last term DS was extremely difficult to handle (all because he couldn't express his sadness over losing his buddy to another school hmm) but by the end of term I was having panic attacks at thought of collecting him. I was staying in car until end of school then going in so was arriving as most were leaving. I know in my hearts I'm making it worse than it actually is but when you have a SN child your senses are heightened and you err towards the pessimistic.

I get so frustrated when the teacher talks loudly in front of other parents - I don't know why they do it - but my tactic for next time is 'could we step inside please?' As I won't have confidential information about DS spoken in front of others.

Happy to stand next to you and have you stand next to me grin

Happily so far this term DS has had excellent days - only one tearful exit when he had 'only' got into silver wink

SummerRain Sun 15-Sep-13 11:35:44

I'm horrified at all these teachers who will discuss children in front of other parents standing there, that's just downright rude and unpleasant.

Luckily our school don't do that, instead I get a phonecall asking me to come and meet the teacher and have to spend the next hour wondering if it's a good or bad chat we're going to be having. But at least it's in private.

SummerRain Sun 15-Sep-13 11:40:29

Mummy, I'm the queen of flexible boundaries and negotiable punishments wink

Ds1 tends to respond better if he has some control over the situation. So saying 'no more laptop for the rest of the day' will cause him to explode, but if I say 'no more laptop until you do x' he doesn't meltdown (usually) and we can work towards him earning the laptop back.

Thepoodoctor Sun 15-Sep-13 13:21:28

No time for a long post but may I join you? DS 7, attachment difficulties, ASD, every day is a new experience ...

Mummyoftheyear Sun 15-Sep-13 13:44:41

Summer - made me jump when you said 'responds better when has control over the situation'. Story of my DS' life (and mine, lol)!
I've learnt (but wonder whether I've caused the 'problem') to use the "First we'll do XYZ and after that we'll (do what you won't protest to/ want to do)" technique. After a few minutes of meltdown / sometimes none, this works well for him.
PooDoctor - welcome to our line!!!!
So lovely to have you, and everyone else, standing next to me.
I've felt so lonely in a line of mummies for far too long now!

Did you know there is a last who us called The Poo Doctor? Specialises on pooing problems. Is it you?

Thepoodoctor Sun 15-Sep-13 14:12:17

Ah no, not me. I have a job in the NHS and this is how my daughter of 5 describes it!

Nice to have a thread where I might be able to share honest feedback on DSs day. Never mind the playground, when I'm at work and DH is collecting I'm watching my phone with bated breath about 3.30!

Last week I was called in on Thursday for horrible misbehaviour hmm and on Friday because he'd had a head teachers award for the reverse. So I never know quite what's coming!

PolterGoose Sun 15-Sep-13 14:29:36

Poo (and anyone else) are you aware of the weekly Goose and Carrot threads on SN chat? It's our virtual pub where we chat all week about anything at all, it's really good for the stuff you want to celebrate and moan about but might not want to start a thread about. It's really good grin

SummerRain Sun 15-Sep-13 16:31:36

She's right, the g&c is super welcoming and populated with MNers who understand.

It is very good grin

sophj100 Sun 15-Sep-13 17:14:17

I also wait, with my heart in my mouth, ready for the daily report on my sons' daily antics (both ASD - the youngest also with hyperactivity). On Friday, relieved that nothing to report except a bit of struggle to do a task, a mother came up to me and said he hit her son. I said I was sorry and asked my son to apologise to him. The other little boy said 'that's ok' and it was a done deal. She had to go on though and reiterate that her son was younger and smaller and in a lower year. I then felt the need to share that he was ASD and apologised again but felt the tears welling up. The smaller one was praised for his reading and counting but then WHAM - 'but he did slap another boy in the face'.....

No, indeed, you are not alone. Let's visualise all us 'virtual mums' as being side by side, feeling the dread, (and a little hope), at the same time each day and feel the support. smile

ouryve Sun 15-Sep-13 19:31:38

We gave up on the playground wait when ds2 started year 1. There were already too many chances for the exit to not go smoothly with just ds1 before I fished his brother out of the foundation unit. Now instead of both boys having to negotiate the long path round without one flipping out or doing a runner, i have them handed over directly at the front door. I no longer have to pretend to be sociable while herding cats.

Thepoodoctor Sun 15-Sep-13 20:40:28

Needed a nickname change in a hurry but really should have thought how that would abbreviate smile

I'd seen the Goose and Carrot thread but not realised what it was. I shall be glad to join in! Thanks!

Thepoodoctor Mon 16-Sep-13 16:37:54

So how goes the day?

DS 'mixed' - playground a real problem, and they also seem determined to tell me that he can't concentrate very well. From the woman who took 2.5 hours to persuade him to do a page of homework, I'd worked this out smile

TigerSwallowTail Mon 16-Sep-13 16:44:44

I had such a strange sense of relief reading this thread and realising that I wasn't the only one. I get butterflies opening my sons learning log!

Thepoodoctor Mon 16-Sep-13 16:58:49

Oh god me too - and where last years teacher and TA took the view that 'no news is good news', it's currently getting filled in in minute detail.

Which really I should be grateful for but I'm not sure how much I want to know. No pleasing some people.

Mummyoftheyear Mon 16-Sep-13 22:51:24

Hello girls! I started this thread and have been too tied up to update the day. It's been mental:
Au pair walked out last night (had been for interview and said she had been offered a job by a woman who was another mum in my DS' class last year. She offered her more money. She said that my DS reminds her of an abusive ex partner! I think it's a crappy lie but a hurtful one. He's five! He hits occasionally after the bath. It's not excusable but it's not extreme.
School (please gd may it continue) seemed to be ok. Don't want to tempt fate. Went to drama therapy. It was ok. Just the assessment but it's the first outstretched hand we've ever had!
Had to change work schedule around to fit drama therapy so ends up tutoring until 8.30 and making sandwiches at Crazy O'clock.
Cliquey mums cliqued together - but I have to be honest, I did feel different knowing that you lot were virtually by my side ;)
Goose thread sounds good. How do I find it?

Lesley25 Tue 17-Sep-13 14:30:42

Rain mac at the ready, butterflies already in anticipation. Hope dd has only had one accident- progress from 3, not holding my breath.
Freezing outside so sent dd into school looking like she's en route to Alaska...as I keep saying, break times my dd just stands there, play doesn't come naturally to ASD kids....
Hope she's had a good day. Cookie in the car, now to find that blooming "close to school gates" parking space/ yank ds out of nap /pile in car as I attempt to soothe/ bribe ds wailing !!
Good luck mums!

FrussoHathor Tue 17-Sep-13 14:38:11

Hi mummy here is the goose and carrot for this week.

Mummyoftheyear Tue 17-Sep-13 23:12:09

Thank you, FrussoHathor.
I'm not feeling like much of a happy camper at the moment. In fact, I'm really upset.
Here is what's been going on:
I tutor children at home 5-8pm.
I rely on an au pair to look after my 2 and 5 year old (dinner, bath, bed). My latest au pair told me that she wasn't very happy and wasn't sure whether it was our family or au pairing that wasn't right for her.
We agreed to see how it goes until the end of October.
Sunday night she announces that she'd met a family (total coincidence - not) who'd offered her a job.
She said (here's the part that's relevant to SEN/ my son, etc.) that my son was too difficult and that he reminded her of an aggressive man she had a relationship with for a year.
Tonight, a lovely teenager who's babysat for us before in such 'emergencies', sent me a text to say that she could babysit tomorrow and on Thursday but not any more after that as she found DS too difficult.
I do empathise with them. I feel very powerless and sad.
I enjoy my job and need to do it. My daughter is too young for me to work in a school and I need to be there for them to drop off and pick up. I really don't want to go back into teaching in schools after becoming an assessor, etc.
I've found another au pair. Here we go again.
Guaranteed.
I am, again, berating myself: is it me?
Do I have issues?
Is it because I work?
Ist it because...?

But my daughter has none of these issues and so it surely isn't me. And if it's not, what can I do to help change it?
I went for a drama therapy appointment after school on Monday. They have said they'll get back to me about sessions for him.
They also said that they'd make sure that if he threw anything or was violent or aggressive, they'd kindly ask him to leave and come back the next week.
He's hard to manage, but thank gd isn't aggressive (erm. except to au pairs who he does kick or hit after the bath). I don't want him to learn 'stuff' from other children whose behaviour is hard to manage in more destructive ways.
I'm confused. Depressed. A bit hopeless.

Then tonight, the au pair who gave me 1 day's notice turns up to ask for her pay. Demanding it loudly in front of a 9 year old student I was teaching!

I paid her of course. I'd called the mother of the family she'd gone to, to explain that we aren't a horrible family and to ask whether she could wait just a week or two for me to find someone else. She brazenly refused: "That's not my problem. I've offered her the job and she's accepted."
She lives a street away. We live in a small village. The au pair and this blabbermouth mum are spreading the word that my son is a total nightmare. Small community. People chat. She's friends with people at my son's school - in our class.

I just want the earth to swallow me up. I'm really sad for my son as he's becoming labelled and ostracised.

On the up: school gates have been fine! lol
Cliquey mums have been extremely unfriendly. Probably enjoying all the news they've been hearing. I so want school to go well for him and hope that this year the teacher can manage him well. The mums tried to get rid of another boy in our class last year because he was difficult. They petitioned and sent letters, all threatening to leave. Imagine!!!

Not a lot else to say, really. Thank you for listening, girls smile
I hope that your school pick ups have been going well! I'd love to hear how everyone else is doing smile
x

Levantine Tue 17-Sep-13 23:19:41

Oh mummy, you poor thing I can imagine what that feels like. What a horrible bunch of people you are surrounded by at the moment. Such unkindness from those mums. You sound very brave and calm. Have a big hug from me and a wine

Mummyoftheyear Tue 17-Sep-13 23:59:49

Thank you Levantine
I feel so alone. More than ever. The au pair who came to demand her pay told me how she'd worked with lots of children and never come across a child like my son. Told me he reminded her of a man who was violent to her for a year (relationship). He's 5. Yes he has kicked her on occasion and told her that he didn't like her.. but!?!?
Friday was the first time she'd told me he'd kicked he'd and I'd said I'd race up next time to help and take him into time out (123Magic).
;(
Not first person to tell me this
Job depends on him being manageable.

Thepoodoctor Wed 18-Sep-13 06:57:40

I'm so sorry Mummy that is awful. Bear in mind that she probably wanted the new job so was looking for a reason to leave - in her interests to talk up how difficult your son is.

Would it be worth looking/ advertising for someone who has specific experience of SN or who is training in that area? Those hours might possibly suit a TA or maybe someone on a BEd course?

I've been thinking about something similar for DS. You have my total sympathy as I can't think who I could employ to manage him and don't dare attempt after school club. Thank god we are lucky enough to have grandparents nearby. It's not your fault!

PolterGoose Wed 18-Sep-13 08:15:47

mummy sad and flowers

TBH and I know it's a struggle/nightmare right now, but you really don't want someone like that AP in your life.

(ps you might want to ask MN to edit your post where you've used his name? just click the report button on that entry)

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