anyone elses DC good as gold at school, but has regular meltdowns at home / out and about?

[kats3]

i'm wondering (and have been for ages) about my DS's

DS1 gets very anxious about school, worries if he doesn't know the full 'plan' for the school day, copes much better since moving to secondary school, I assume due to the stricter rules and timetable. if however something upsets him at school, or they have a 'out of timetable' day where planned or unplanned the lessons change, he is like a mini tornado when he gets home! he will keep it all in at school, but meltdown at home, meaning younger siblings have to be kept away from him for fear of getting hurt/upset/yelled at, now I know all NT kids have their moments, but where do you draw the line and decide its more than that?

im scared to go doctors about it incase they laugh at me and tell me its 'normal' or worse still, my parenting have always thought its something more, but theres never been any problem but anxiety at school.... although, he's always had problems making friends/keeping friends, cant understand why they 'break the rules', isn't really interested in most stuff kids his age are, but will obsess over 1 topic, talking at people about it for hours (luckily his most recent obsession is technology based so seems to hold peers interest for a while)

other problems are will not eat at school (is a very picky eater anyway, if it looks strange,feels strange, smells strange it wont be eaten...hard to get a varied diet on such limited options), only wear certain clothes because they 'feel funny' has to be in charge/control of everything and everyone or totally looses his cool shock, I could go on...

on a plus note, hes very clever, great at maths, great at anything factual actually, but struggles with imagination and anything requiring opinion rather than fact, very responsible and grown up (other than when having a meltdown, when he can be reasoned with about as much as a 1 year old!) an all round lovely, funny kid most of the time (except during the almost daily meltdowns that only I seen to be capable of stopping, if im VERY lucky & catch it early, otherwise its only me who can handle damage limitation & know when the cost is clear & what will/wont set it off)

a few people recently have asked (without me saying anything) if he has aspergers, after spending a short time with him, which has now got me wondering if its not my imagination after all.

DS2 also has some behaviour issues (but only everywhere BUT school), which could be related to his epilepsy/meds, but are different to DS1's (other than the meltdowns, which is great fun when they go off at the same time! hmm ) DS2 seems to have some sensory issues - cant handle noise, crowds, lots going on at once, stubborn, refuses point blank to move if he doesn't want to/ doesn't get his own way, will melt down if forced to comply...and so on.

DD is completely different - chatty sociable, adaptable, confident, has her naughty moments like any DC but does not meltdown.

All brought up with same home life, rules, bounderys....so can it really be just my rubbish parenting?

I know mumsnetters aren't qualified to diagnose, but any opinions r welcomed, or anyone with similar experiences / advice / links that might be useful... anything really!

thanks in advance

[Ineedmorepatience]

We had a similar thread running over the weekend, I will try to find it for you

[kats3]

Thank you

[sunshineandshowers]

Hi Katz,

We have similar issues, I have no advice! Sorry.

My DS 6 has horrific meltdowns. Screaming, kicking, biting, punching. Only ever my and husband. NEVER at School. Has had them in the playground.

He has sensory issues, but seems to be getting less as he gets older.

He has lots of friends and doesn't seem to find School stressful. He is doing well academically, brilliantly in Maths. It's just these meltdowns.

I swing between doing more and investigating AS, and just thinking they are "normal" tantrums. I have read loads of books and have implemented loads of new techniques. NONE have worked. He only started having them when he started School.

???

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

kats3

I would ask your GP to refer your son to a developmental paediatrician and do not take no for an answer. You will not be laughed at. The process of diagnosis also takes time.

Do you think he could be somewhere on the ASD spectrum?.

It is certainly in his interests as well as yours to find out so do not be scared to go to the GPs. Knowing why is better than wondering why. ALL that you describe re your son certainly warrants further investigation; am no expert but he may well be somewhere on the autistic spectrum.

He's probably holding in all his frustrations of the school day only to take it all out on you when he gets home. This often happens where the child's additional needs at school are simply not being met. Does he have any additional support at secondary; from what you have written I doubt it very much.

It is absolutely NOTHING to do with your parenting.

[Holycowiloveyoureyes]

DS is exactly the same.

His teacher was shocked when I spoke to her about my concerns, said he's beautifully behaved at school. At home he has massive meltdowns, everything has to be by his rules. We're waiting for appointment with CAMHS.

I feel he's ASD somewhere, the difference between him and his peers is becoming more evident the older he gets.

That being said I often just think it's my fault and I've fucked up somewhere :(

[AttilaTheMeerkat]

Holycowiloveyoureyes, (great name that)

Teachers are simply not trained or skilled enough to spot children who actually have additional needs. Such children too who are "beautifully behaved" actually get overlooked in class and are thus missed. The scenario you describe as well often happens when the child's additional needs in school are simply not being met. Home is where he feels safe and can thus let out all the frustrations of the school day.

If you think he is somewhere on the ASD spectrum you may well be right; after all you know him better than anyone else. I would ask your GP to refer you to a developmental paediatrician, knowing why is far better than continuously wondering why. Any idea when the apt with CAMHS will be?. CAMHS certainly have their place but ASD is not always their main area of expertise or specialty.

It has nothing to do with parenting!!.

[kats3]

I swing between doing more and investigating AS, and just thinking they are "normal" tantrums.

sunshineandshowers that is EXACTLY what i'm like too! Also, I've noticed certain things have eased off as DS1 has got older, other things have become more noticeable, and some ive realised I make such big changes/ ways of going about things to make sure meltdowns are avoided (this becomes obvious when his dad DOESNT use my ways, and all hell breaks loose! )

AttilaTheMeerkat Thank you. DS1 doesn't have any extra support at school, as theres nothing he obviously needs, he is well liked, clever and well behaived (he seams to have learnt being funny works, so can make everyone laugh, including a lot of the teachers...but really struggles with the grumpy teachers.)

As for, do I think he is on the spectrum.... I really am clueless, I think theres a lot of signs he could be, but I don't know if there are in every NT child. I also keep hearing how hard it is for kids who have more obvious signs to get diagnosed, so wonder if its worth putting DS1 and us all through it if it may cause more stress to him than help in the short term (or long term it takes as long as ive heard! )

Holycowiloveyoureyes yes, ive noticed a clear difference between DS1 and his peers too, and exactly the same with having to hve everything by his rules...I often have to remind him which one of us is the parent (and even then he either has a meltdown, or explains at length why his was the right way and he was doing it right, depending on his mood at the time) Definitely not your parenting, unless its mine too. know how you feel though, nothing worse than wondering if you are failing them as a mommy just keep reminding myself theres NOTHING I wouldn't do for my kids, so surely it cant be that hopefully