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Friendships

(32 Posts)
used2bthin Mon 20-May-13 17:29:17

Dd1 has a friend at mainstream school. She is more looking after her though IMO. Dd1 is doing a split placement currently with local ss and mainstream, this girl is in mainstream so lots more able than dd. I have been worrying for ages this girl will get fed up and want to play with others and that dd is too dependant and it has happened. No ones fault but its making dd1 sad, school are putting lots in place, every day she has a special friend who helps her and looks out for her .at lunch time her lovely Ta is doing ball games etc with her and other children.

Bit really s this the best she will have, other children being encouraged to play with her? Her teacher is saying she is well liked and that its all going well but I felt like crying when she said about the friend a day as its effectively a system for providing friends.

lougle Tue 21-May-13 19:44:09

I understand where you're coming from, used2bthin.

I've just been considering gymnastics for DD1. Do I put her in a MS class with extra help, or find her a disability gym class?

I think I'd like her to do a disability gym class, because there she will make real friends and she won't be 'mothered' by other children.

There, she may even be good enough to compete or be 'developed', whereas MS gym would only ever be 'for fun' and 'having her along'.

I want her to be included, but I don't want her to be 'accepted' or 'tolerated'. I want her to be 'embraced'.

used2bthin Tue 21-May-13 23:03:52

Thanks lougle I have been wondering how you were getting on, is your dd still doing well at ss?

I feel like the teacher and I have different expectations, although I realise dd is well looked after and nurtured, I worry about how it is seen as looking after her rather than being her actual friend.the teacher says its the same but I am not so sure. The children mother dd and talk as if talking to a small child , one of them actually offered to look after her while I got something from my bag...

insanityscratching Tue 21-May-13 23:19:04

Ds had no friends and no interest in his peers throughout mainstream primary or in the unit at secondary. In fact he successfully avoided and ignored them throughout. At 16 and in independent specialist school he got his first friends and the school have taught him how to be a friend and have given him the desire to be interested in his peers. He has two close friends now who are as thick as thieves and who he socialises with outside school too.

lougle Tue 21-May-13 23:21:29

DD1 is still doing well, thank you.

Arrgh...I can't lie to you. Everything you say resonates with me so strongly.

DD1 is going for her first 'play date' away from me this week. She is getting special permission for the taxi driver to drop her off at the house of one of the other girls and they are having tea and play - 3 girls with SN. The mum is quite barmy grin

I honestly feel that the difference for DD1, apart from specialist teaching, in being at Special School is that she has friends. Real, honest friendships, where they are friends one minute, enemies the next - just like 'normal' children.

There are no special cases at her school. Wheelchairs, kaye-walkers, standers; PEG feeds, NG feeds or oral food; no speech, minimal speech, complete speech; nappies, pull-ups or pants - the children just don't see it. Their 'normal' is whatever the child is and there are no special dispensations.

In fact, I have to tell DD1 to wind her neck in when she's telling me how rude so and so was for blowing raspberries. She doesn't see that they are non-verbal and that is their biggest communication achievement. She sees it as 'well, I'm not allowed to do that, so it's rude!'. I have to remind her that it's only rude if you can do something different and choose to do it to be cheeky.

DD1 gets celebrated at her school, not because she's got SN, but because of what she can do.

You are her parent. You have the right to push for SS if you feel it's right. Just as you have the right to stay in MS if you feel it's right.

If you don't feel your DD is in a place where she has meaningful friendships, that's something that needs to change, somehow. Whether that be a change in the way the school deals with her, or another school.

That's why I'm thinking that Disability Gym is best - I want DD to start equal, not to be the 'special one.'

used2bthin Wed 22-May-13 11:36:30

Thank you both. Dd is so desperate for these friendships and so bereft now that her friend has decided to play with others. This means not playing with dd too which just tells me really that dd cannot access the friendships there otherwise she would just join in too.

Feeling very upset today as had a chat with our psychologist who observed dd at playtime and mainstream and said the friend was moving around playing with a group of girls and dd was following them but not included or able to join in sad , I had already been awake half the night worrying about her. But then. The TA had said a boy at mainstream has been looking out for her and she's been doing racing games with the boys so has been better. So I had felt torn again but not so much since speaking to the psych who says she feels dd is not going to cope in mainstream long term so is probably best leaving while its not too bad.

Great to hear how well your dd is doing lougle, I think my decision is made. Wish I felt happier about it, I feel really sad today and anxious about the way mainstream teacher seems to be saying dd is doing well there and is too able for ss. I hope we still get our place.

lougle Wed 22-May-13 14:51:44

Unless the MS teacher has access to all the progression data for the SS pupils, then I'd say that's her own perception of SS shining through.

DD1 is doing well, but I saw work today of other children in her class that was better than hers.

There are some really bright children in SSs, they just can't access the curriculum in the environment of a MS school.

used2bthin Wed 22-May-13 17:44:01

I agree lougle. And it's a back to front way of thinking which I had before, the idea that she would be held back whereas its possible its the only thing that could help her progress to her full potential.

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