A couple of weeks ago ds1's best friend asked if he could go round after school to ride bikes and scooters with some other boys from his estate.
I had to say no for a number of reasons, not least of all because he's not road safe on foot, let alone on a scooter and also because he's not safe enough re stranger awareness etc.
His friend lives in a cul-de-sac on a nice estate a couple of streets away and is used to playing out with the other children from his close. Whereas we live across a busy main road from them and ds has never 'played out'.
I compromised by saying that if they agreed it at least a day before, he could go home from school with his friend and play in the close and I would walk up with the dog to meet him at an agreed time, but that he wasn't allowed to play outside of the close at all (there is a woods behind the houses) and if they wanted to do that he would have to get his friend's mum to call me and I would walk up to meet him.
We text his friends mum to ask if she knew what they were arranging and she said she didn't know anything about it, but that he was welcome to come after school and play anytime.
Nothing came of it - I didn't really expect it too, as our rules for ds1 are too restrictive for nt 11 year olds.
Then this afternoon, we'd just got home from school, ds had changed into his favourite scraggy pjs and was just about to have his snack when the doorbell went. It was his best friend and another boy from his class asking if he could go out to play.
I said it was very kind of them to invite him, but he couldn't this afternoon and then they kind of hovered around - I assume hoping to at least have a chat with him. Of course I couldn't call him to the door or invite them in, because he would have been mortified if they'd seen him in his scratty pjs, so I thanked them again and they reluctantly turned to go.
Ds1 was oblivious to all this, but I had to go and tell him, as he'd find out at school tomorrow anyway. He was instantly furious with me and devastated that I'd said no. He's understandably upset and says that I am just mean. I have tried to explain about road safety and stranger danger etc and that he simply isn't able to do some of the same things as his peers, but that as he gets older things will change and he should be able to, but obviously that doesn't help how he feels now.
He's railing against his AS, furious with me and really upset now.
I reminded him of our compromise and this cheered him, but only for a second and as I said, I don't think it's really workable with the other boys, as they will want to free range and go in the woods etc, but I am not happy for ds1 to do that at this stage.
A few months ago he went to his best friend's house for tea and when dh went to pick him up he was playing out the front. We later found he'd been in the woods and playing down some wooded pathways around the back of the houses. We had to tell him that he couldn't go to his friend's house again, unless he agreed that he wouldn't go in the woods etc, but we did compromise by agreeing he could play within view of his friend's house - ie in the close.
We really want him to maintain this friendship. His best friend is a lovely lad, they've been consistently best friends for years and are very close, but of course they are having to go to different secondaries in September. I'm worried that if we don't give in and let him go round there to play then he is going to end up with the friendship wilting and eventually losing his best friend as a result.
I'm worried that we are being too overprotective and not giving ds a chance to prove he can do this, but at the same time we are only too aware of his innocence and immaturity, which is why we feel he isn't safe enough to go out and about unsupervised yet.
Does anyone have any advice, because I am feeling really bad about this and wondering if I've handled it all wrong.
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School friends calling for ds - any advice on how to handle it?
6 replies
moosemama · 24/04/2013 16:25
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