Our SN area is not a substitute for expert advice. While many Mumsnetters have a specialist knowledge of special needs, if they post here they are posting as members, not experts. There are, however, lots of organisations that can help - some suggestions are listed here. If you've come across an organisation that you've found helpful, please tell us. Go to Special needs chat, Parents with disabilities, SN teens, SN legal, SN education, SN recommendations.

ASD and being ridiculed - advice please.

(11 Posts)
MareeyaDolores Sat 02-Feb-13 21:53:11

I think the way forward is to tackle the bullying, rather than prematurely remove your ds's belief that the world is a good place full of nice people. I don't think dc are ready for this knowledge till they're at least at the social-emotional-communication level of an average KS2 child. Which for our dc, will probably be high school.

Ds1 is 9, and in the last 12m he's developed more social awareness: and the result is that he is now more fearful, more embarrassed, more withdrawn, more unhappy.

His peers are not more accepting of him as a result. The lovely, supportive dc who understood his strengths and weaknesses still like him, but he's less comfortable around them. The others continue to take the p* from time to time, but instead of being oblivious and unreactive (which is a great way to get people to stop bugging you) he now reacts to it.

Thank you for the responses, I think Wilson's idea of lunch club would be great and will be something I will mention. Ds is keen to be friends with people. Unfortunately I don't know the names of the children we saw being mean, but I will find out. Ds struggles to name people who have upset him.

Not stopping, it is so hard, I hope you find a way to get support for your ds.

Zzzz I agree these kids need taught compassion - not just for my ds's sake but for other vulnerable people too. I will think of a way to get that point across to the school, if they are really proud of the ethos of the school being caring etc hopefully they will take it on board.

Neverputa ( great name!) thank you, I will do that - reporting every incident is a good idea, just hope I can find out when these things happen, dd won't be at the school after the summer, so it might be harder to find stuff out...

neverputasockinatoaster Sat 02-Feb-13 10:18:31

We are currently having this issue with DS. He's not being ridiculed but he is being delibarately wound up as he has a veyy spectacular temper.

First time I went to the HT he gave me all the guff about the children in his school being 'lovely'. I then pointed out all the incidents when particular children had wound DS up. DS's teacher backed me up too thankfully.

We are still having issues but the HT has had hid eyes opened I think. Keep going back.

I found that using the phrase 'In DS's perception they are.........' but if your DS doesn't understand that they are being mean that wouldn't work. Keep a diary. If you and your DD can see that the situation is not pleasant then record it. Go in and say this happened, these were the children involved, it wasn't just teasing. Ask to see the bullying policy. Point out that it is bullying and you want it recorded as such. Ask how thye are going to address it.

I feel for you, I really do. I have been the victim of that kind of bullying myself and DS has been too. It is nasty and horrible. To pass it off a harmless teasing is wrong.

zzzzz Sat 02-Feb-13 00:47:12

What matters is not so much the individual incident, but the underlying ethos. These children are being unkind at best. Dismissing it a harmless fun, or all kids do that opens the door to it escalating.
These are the children we need to reach, to teach compassion and respect for weaker human beings too. I think the problem is much bigger than "making the new kid dance for a joke". If it is a church school you might try approaching the priest/vicar, if not I guess HT with pastoral care hat on.

WilsonFrickett Sat 02-Feb-13 00:07:50

For 'work' read 'help' ^^

WilsonFrickett Sat 02-Feb-13 00:07:21

I think it's a really hard thing. DS has been acting up in class this week 'doing funny things mummy'. Really grips my gears (obviously not DS fault but it seems he has suddenly discovered making people laugh is a good thing, without of course any understanding of their motives). A diary is a good start. And start to work on some role play maybe where you explore 'good' laughing and 'bad' laughing? School have just started a mini 'club' for DS where he does structured actitives one lunch time a week, with carefully chosen friends. Would that work?

This being such a common occurrence, really makes my blood boil. It is just so wrong, and so heartbreaking. The HT's comment still makes me angry, my DS is one of the school's children too, even if we are new. I think his teacher is in agreement with us about it, that was our first meeting, I think we need to keep a diary from now on.

nostoppingme Fri 01-Feb-13 21:40:36

:-(

I often notice children ridiculing my son too, breaks my heart.

Sorry your son doesn't 'see' it either. My son is also 9 and so sweet and just wants to be liked and have friends. But he gets teased and bullied no end, also by older children.

I HATE it......

Cheers Polter, they have moved his peg and the teacher is letting him leave early to go to the cafeteria.

DS thinks that all laughter is good, not sure he can understand that people are ridiculing him, he thinks they are laughing because he has done something witty. On the way home today there were some boys from his class asking him to "do gangnam (?) style" to get him to do the dance but it wasn't in a nice way, I find it difficult to explain, but dd and me could see they were laughing at him, he thought he was sharing a comedy moment with them.

PolterGoose Fri 01-Feb-13 20:56:20

I'm having my own issues with school but a couple of things that have helped my ds (also 9 and has AS) in the situations you mention are:

In the line he is always first. This gives him some physical space and means he can ignore the other children, quite often it will be the best behaved children who get to the line first so he doesn't end up being provoked by the less nice children who end up near the back. He can also then enter classroom, assembly etc first and not have to deal with the crowd.

His coat peg is carefully situated to give him space. He is sent to the cloakroom alone to get his stuff etc as we had a terrible incident in unsupervised cloakroom.

Hello, we have had a hard week with my ds. Recently moved house/ school/LA. Ds had been at his first school from nursery, aged 3, he is nearly nine, lots of support at the old school, but ds did have a few issues with his peers but on the whole everyone knew him through the school and he was accepted and liked. He is quite a happy child, he likes his own company and being with adults/ children he knows well.

New school, he is in a ms class, are trying to get support in place for him, his vulnerable times are when he is unsupervised, lunch/ break, changing for p.e, lining up to go into school. We have had a meeting with school about our concerns and I think they have taken our worries seriously. DS has had a few quite dramatic meltdowns. my dd who is in P7 is worried about him, she was asked to try and calm him down one day this week, which made me very angry - dd wants to comfort ds, but he wants to be left alone when he is upset, so she can end up making him worse even though she really wants to help. I just would like help from you lovely sn parents.

HT thinks the school children are all very considerate of children with sn because they have a base for children with sn, for children who need more support than ds- separate from the ms classes. So when we raised the issue of ds being ridiculed/ antagonised when unsupervised we got told " not in this school our children would never do that". The class teacher is more sympathetic, and more willing to accept that my ds is a target for some of his peers.

What can I do to help ds understand when someone is being a friend and when someone is ridiculing him? DS loves to make people laugh, and can be genuinely funny, but there are children who are laughing at him and not laughing with him.

I am pretty sure there have been threads on here before, but I am not sure what to look for, but would be very grateful for any links or advice.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now