This may turn into the ramblings of a woman who has had a glass of wine , but I just feel like I want to write it down.
My DS has just turned 3 and we've been on the road towards possible Asd dx for about 8 months. He has a speech delay but has come on loads recently; not quite conversational but not far away, and he definitely has some Asd traits. He's my gorgeous, loving, fun little man and I wouldn't change a thing about him. He's great with his little sister, so gentle and loving, and always wants her to play with him. He's always asking to go to the park or swimming or on the train... Every day is lovely (with the odd tantrum thrown in, naturally).
The thing that I keep thinking is how all this Asd stuff feels like its clouded how I think about things, and I constantly analyse his behaviours or what he has been doing. I wish I could just enjoy him, rather than playing with him and wondering if he's trying to do some pretend play. Or constantly trying to use everyday situations to teach him speech/communication (we're doing more than words).
My DD pointed tonight for the first time. She's 11 months, and I was so pleased! I can't remember when DS pointed but it was definitely well after a year. I've become so aware of these stupid red flag things that most parents aren't even aware are so important. I wish I didn't need to know the things I now do. And then even though DD pointed tonight, I know that doesn't mean she isn't on the spectrum. The odds are stacked against her, and I live with the fear that one day I'll notice that she's starting to regress. Why can't I just pause my brain and enjoy them both? I mean, we do have fun every day, but I always feel it there, at the back of my mind, eating away.
Sorry, this seems to have turned into a bit of a pity party. Today was a good day. I think it was DD pointing that made me realise how differently I look at things now, like a bit of the innocence and enjoyment has gone.
Is it always like this? Does it pass?
Thanks for reading if you've got this far.
Please or to access all these features
Please
or
to access all these features
Here are some suggested organisations that offer expert advice on special needs.
SN children
Do you ever wish you could just turn off your brain?
6 replies
Lookslikerain · 31/01/2013 20:50
OP posts:
Please create an account
To comment on this thread you need to create a Mumsnet account.