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SN children

One of your children has SN's, you're pregnant, not expecting that child to have SN's, how do you feel?

20 replies

ThomBat · 29/10/2005 23:15

Sorry, had no idea what to call this thread!
Don't really know what I'm going to say either till I get going, but I accidently started something on the ante-natal thread and realised that it's best suited to special needs.

Really what I want to ask and know from you is, when you were pregnant, and you already had a child with special needs, how did the imminent birth of this new child make you feel?

Did the fact that this new child would walk and talk and just do stuff of their own accord scare you? Were you daunted?

I think I am. I suddenly felt a bit weird when I thought of a child runnign around my house. I mean, Lottie is so... unobtrusive. She's so easy in so many ways. I know teaching her everything and still having to do so much is supposed to be hard work and yeah it is really, but it's all i know, it's what we do, it's how it is.

I walked into my bedroom the other day and she was standing up at my bedside and it looked weird! And I thought to myself 'ohh, that looks odd'. We're so used to this, 4 years of our little bum shuffler, 4 yrs of not having conversations etc.

I know it will all be ok, it'll be wonderful and everything will be fine, of course it will, but.... I just want to know if you felt similar emotions at any stage and it would be really nice to hear how it all turned out and well, whatever you feel you'd like to share with me really.

Thanks, TC x

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doormat · 29/10/2005 23:24

thombat as you know I have a ds with severe gdd
I fell pg when he was 4 and it was very daunting, I just kept thinking what if, but this, but that.....questions and scenerios were always going round in my mind

all I can say is I know how you feel
it is the not knowing

whilst pg I was happy, ecstatic, scared,sad, I think every emotion possible
it is a very strange feeling

but towards the end I didnt really care because I knew I had enough love to give a child whether they had special needs or not, it just didnt matter anymore, I was just worrying myself

I hope I am explaining myself properly as it is a very hard to explain situation

thinking of you
hugs
xxx

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chatee · 30/10/2005 08:09

can only echo what doormat and yourself have already mentioned re the feelings but wow it is so different, like when ds started to walk-really weird feelings(happy for him and then sad to see his 5 year old sister struggle to do the the same task in 2 minutes that he has just done in 2 seconds-does that make sense??)
when i was pregnant we(dh and i)went along with if this child has special needs then fine but now he is here and doesn't have any s/n we are so torn over giving him the mmr(the thoughts being "we couldn't cope with two children with s/n")irraritional(sp?)fears- who knows?? but as we know him know it's so hard to make the decision that could change all our lives forever....and then the fear if he got one of them dreaded diseases(i have a hole in my heart,no sight in one eye, deaf in one ear,cleft palate and some internal positioning problems all due to my mum in contact with someone with measles during her pregnancy)so it isn't a decision that can be taken easily..

anyway thombat you have to enjoy your pregnancy and enjoy lottie and babe together for whatever their differences they will always be siblings and hopefully always look out and care for each other(i felt really isolated as an only child and was adamant that my dd would not be!)

i think i may have waffled a bit here....sorry
take care luv chatee and her happy 2 xx

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Groggymama · 30/10/2005 08:31

i felt exactly the same, I felt so intensly about ds1 because of his premature start that i didn't know how I'd feel about ds2, but now ds2 is here he's just added so much to our family, joy love laughter. I don't know how he's done it but he's expanded all of our hearts.

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r3dh3d · 30/10/2005 09:36

I'm in exactly the same position T - DD2 due in 2 months, DD1 has assorted probs - not motor ones mainly, but Autism and other stuff. Actually DH is more worried about it than I am. He's convinced that either we can't help loving DD2 more (being more like what you expect your child to be) or we'll neglect them because DD1 is our "special" child and DD2 will always be left to cope on her own. In fact, he wasn't at all happy with this pregnancy to start with - though he's coming round now (in the nick of time!)

I don't really know how I feel. Helena has been such a surprise, in so many ways - nothing has turned out as I expected - and I wonder how much that is about my naive expectations of being a parent, and about all children being unique little people in their own right, as much as about her being SN. So I guess I'm thinking that whether you have 2 SN or 2 NT or whatever - they all take you by surprise and you'll be making it up as you go along.

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SoupDragon · 30/10/2005 09:47


Even if Lottie did not have special needs, her sibling would probably be completely different to he and the things he/she does a shock to you. Both DSs are NT yet DS2 was a complete shock compared to his more placid, level headed elder brother. Lottie is Lottie, the baby will be whoever he or she will be and you will adapt and expand to fit them in and you'll look back and wonder why you were ever worried. I'm sure there'll be bitter sweet moments where the baby does things quicker but tht won't detract from what Lottie has achieved - she may have done things later but she's fought so much harder to get there so it's no less of an achievement.
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doormat · 30/10/2005 09:47

thombat i would like to add that ds has "come on" more than expected as he has seen his little bro doing things and he tries to imitate him and not allow him to take the spotlight iykwim

even the medical profession were surprised and they think it is due to us having another child, ok he cant walk, talk etc but he never attempted to roll around and move until ds3 was born
he now rolls around confidently

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Davros · 30/10/2005 10:17

I was terrified that the new baby would also have autism which was a very strong possibility. Apart from that I wasn't worried. However, just recently I've become quite daunted at "how" to bring up an NT child. With DS I have known for many years that he won't do certain things and we've always had to "teach" him everything. This other creature that picks stuff up (uh oh, careful of that swearing!) and needs real guidance in terms of what is "good" behvaviour and socially acceptable etc is quite scary. I don't doubt that its easier than having a child with SN but I am questioning a lot of how I deal with her, especially with my behavioural background. I know all about how to get a child to do something with reinforcement, ignoring certain behaviours, prompting etc etc but I can't and won't do that all the time with her (I don't with DS now) but I find it very hard to work out where to draw the line, an NT child is a completely new thing to me....!!!

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Christie · 30/10/2005 11:07

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ThomBat · 30/10/2005 11:54

That's exactly how I feel Davros. It's not that I don't think I'll love this child any more of less when he/she is here, it's just that I feel so daunted by the fact that he/she will just do things of his or her own accord. I have no idea how to be the mother of an NT child and lottie is so easy to look after in so many ways, she's such an easy child. It's gonna freak me out when this baby starts doing stuff like crawling and then walking and.....

A friend the other day said something about her 8 month old DD and I said 'ohhh is she sitting up on her own and stuff now' and she said 'errrr yeah has been for ages, she's crawling around and cruising'.

Oh, look, I know it'll be cool, of course it will, but a) it's that whole ohhh a stranger coming and upsetting the balance type of feeling and b) an NT - I feel like a 1st time mother all over again at just the thought of it!

Anyway, good to here I'm not alone in having these feelings, so thanks everyone.

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anniebear · 30/10/2005 12:28

But you didn't know how to be the Mother of a SN child did you before you had Lottie?!!

You will just be a fantastic Mother to this Child that you are to Lottie.

I'm sure it will all fall into place when the baby is here

I have no direct experience of this but my friend had an NT child after a SN child and she said it was very strange at first, her other needed so much care and this one doesn't. So I am sure lots of people feel like you !

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Davros · 30/10/2005 18:49

I DO know what you mean, I nearly started a thread a few days ago saying "how do I do this?!!??". How do I adjust/adapt after the years of "strange" parenting? I know ASD inside out now, although of course I didn't all those years ago, I am so amazed by the words DD comes out with, starts singing songs, tells us things etc.... also said "bugger off" to the pigeons in the park today just after I had . The thing is, what she does is unusual to me but I know its normal and what is difficult today is OK as she will develop through to the other side. But it is odd to see/hear them doing things so spontaneously and so quickly when you're not used to it.

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PeachyClair · 30/10/2005 19:15

We didn't find out about Sam's AS until after Stirling was born (14 month gap), but when we were expecting Harry we were told he probably had Downs. So we panicked about that instead. Fortunately Harold is OK, as I don't think I could have coped, although he did have a shaky start where he wouldn't gain weight etc.

Stirling has glue ear, not half as much an issue as Sam's AS, but still a problem for him as it has affected his speech. I have to say that Stirling is somewhat neglected: his appointments tend to get missed (we have been chicked off the list for the moment ), not from mean ness but simply because our lives are so chaotic with Sam.

The thing is, though, all kids have their own issues I guess- shyness, maybe, or weight gain or hearing or whatever. And from my experience you feel as concerned over one kids minor issues as the others big ones: that's motherhood. So I wouldn't worry too much at this stage. You'll find you'll adapt to each of them as individuals and separate sets of challenges, and they'll both have their own, if different, battles to fight at different points in their lives.

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eidsvold · 30/10/2005 23:21

we went through the range of emotions when expecting dd2 - however we also had a very small possibility that she too would have ds - that strangely was not scary - we knew how to parent that way iyswim.

As Davros has said - parenting dd2 is a whole other ball game - she just does things and you will be amazed and stunned when it happens. dd2 is now drinking from a straw sipper cup - she manages so well and it never ceases to amaze me.

They are both very different little girls in personality - dd2 is more demanding and that was so tough after dd1 who really wasn't.

sa far so good... what we 'expect' of dd1 interms of appropriate behaviour isn't that different to what we expect of dd2 iyswim.

It is scary and even now I am more daunted by being dd2's mum than I am dd1.....

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eidsvold · 30/10/2005 23:22

having said all that - they are now in dd1's room reading books and playing together which is fab to see... and this morning - I was trying tot each dd2 the makaton sign for me and I had my teaching assistant sitting at the table beside us doing it correctly for dd2's reference

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eidsvold · 30/10/2005 23:23

sorry just thought of this when I posted - I am sure there is not a parent on earth who is not daunted by the job of being a parent.... it is overwhelming - sn or not - to me it is such an enormous responsbility....

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Socci · 31/10/2005 15:51

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ThomBat · 31/10/2005 15:55

D and I aren't going toknow what's hit us!
We've been sorting out he loft / studio this weekend getting the nursery ready and D put all the Xmas presents, some of which have been wrapped in L's bedroom. They are still there this morning, untouched! Imagine doing that in the room of an NT 4 year old?? I don't think you could, could you?

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Socci · 31/10/2005 15:59

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Socci · 31/10/2005 16:02

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eidsvold · 31/10/2005 20:42

TC - dd1 is just starting work out presents. I wrapped one of her Christmas presents the other day and left it on the bed when I had to go and check on dd2 - when I came back dd1 had unwrapped it and was ohhh and ahhhing at it.

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