child reluctant to go to school and often late- who can help?

[indianajane]

Who should I speak to about my ds who has been not wanting to go to school for at least 2 years. He is not truanting, it is almost like a phobia. He hasn't actually missed any days due to this but is late generally once a week due to it, sometimes 10 mins, sometimes (lately)an hour. School obviously know about this and but haven't really said anything. I was hoping he'd outgrow it but this now seems less and less likely as he's actually getting (slightly) worse. I'm worried that if this isn't addressed he'll have real problems when he goes to secondary in a few years.

[oiFoiF]

why havent school done anything? it seems really mean of them to not offer anyadvice

[avenanap]

How old is he? Have you had a chat to his teacher to see if they can do anything to help, an incentive for him to be on time for example?

[SniffyHock]

Does he tell you what it is he doesn't like?

[singyswife]

HI there, is there any way that you can arrange with the school to get an escort to come and collect him???? This will get him into the habit of going and it wont be you fighting with him. Also tell the school to expect him in his pj's etc. What age is he??? Does he like school once he is there?

[nell12]

Speak to his school, perhaps there is something that he can do at school that he enjoys, but can only do between say 08 40 and 9am. (For example, play Top Trumps with a TA) To get this treat he has to arrive on time.

How is he in the playground? Is it the general playground mayhem at the beginning of the day that he does not like? Perhaps he can go in 10 minutes early and have some quiet time in the classroom to settle. Perhaps he can do some "Special jobs" for is teacher. I had a boy in my class a couple of years back who did not cope well at the beginning of the day and it was his job to feed the class goldfish first thing in the day.

[indianajane]

He's 9. I did go into school last year and ask if they would help and his teacher gave him stickers etc for being on time which helped. This years teacher doesn't do that, a bit old school. He likes his teachers though. He has a thing about his uniform, he says when he has to put it on he feels 'funny inside.' Most days it centres around that really. Taking him in his PJ's won't work with him - we've done it in the past! Now he's too big to bundle in the car anyway. He was assessed as being in the 'high risk' group for AS 2 years ago. I think it's linked to that.

[windygalestoday]

as he is still at primary nd youve included SEN on your heading - why cant you take him to school?

[LynetteScavo]

How old is he?

I had this problem last year with my ds, who was 8. I understand what you mean when you say it's like a phobia. For DS it got so bad that eventually we coudn't physically get him through the door.

Eventually we changed schools, and haven't looked back but you're obviously nowhere near this point yet. I can reccomend a book -but will have to go & find it on my bookshelf first

[nell12]

Can he wear a T-shirt of his own choice under his uniform shirt?
That way he is in his own clothes not just his uniform

[indianajane]

I do take him to school windygales - I don't know what you mean actually.
Lynette I have read your posts before - am namechanging for this post to remain anonymous in case one of ds's teachers is a mumsnetter!

[windygalestoday]

indian i read it as he was going to school alone sorry if that offended you - how can he be so late if youre taking him?

[indianajane]

Because he won't get dressed. He has a thing about his uniform - always has had a thing about it since reception.

[LynetteScavo]

The book is "Getting Your Child to say yes to school" by Chirstopher A. Kearney

Does your DH generally have problems with transitions?

When the head of my DS's old school first saw him refusing to come in he put his hands on his hips and said "that child is autistic" We've sinced had DS asssesed, and we agree woth the diagnosis that he isn't autisic,although he does have many autistic "traits". - Difficulty with transitions being one.

I'm just tryng to say, I know what you mean.

[nell12]

If it is a school phobia issue, I think there is not much you can do to stop him from worrying, it is more of an issue that has to be confronted by school, with your support.

Have a word with his teacher and the school senco about what strategies can be put in place to help ds want to be in school.

As uniform is an isuue, perhaps having a day in school in his "home clothes" as a reward for good attendance.

Remember, it is in school's interest to help him as well as yours.

[LynetteScavo]

LOL, I don't usually post under lynette about DS1's behaviour!

In your thread title, you say "who can help?"

Sadly, in my experience, there is very little help offered untill a child's attendance falls below 75%. That's the point at which an educationaly social worker would become involved. I was screaming out for help, and sadly none was forth comming.

[indianajane]

It's really frustrating. I will have to go back in and speak to the head - he is usually very good about issues relating to ds and is generally understanding.I know that it would make a difference to ds if school showed awareness of the issue with him. I would be tempted to home ed but I think he would be in danger of not wanting to go out if I did that.

[milou2]

Ask the head if there is a home/school link worker or similar who you could meet up with.

Parentline/Health Visitor/GP???

What about looking round other schools locally anyway?

[milou2]

Just saw your post about him not wanting to go out - snap, my ds2 was deregistered end of Jan and is very happy at home, but does not want to go out and socialise in the way I would expect. He will be assessed for AS later this spring. He is 10.

[LynetteScavo]

There seems to be a theme here - my DS doesn't want to leave the house either - he's been very happy to stay at home all weekend and spent today in his PJ's. He never has wanted to go out, but will now if he knows we have to. He doesn't like to socialise either. Doesn't want to go tp parties or friends houses, and certainly doesn't want his school friends home for tea!

Surely this can be "normal" behaniour, and not neccessarily AS?

[indianajane]

My ds would quite happily spend the day in his pj's as well. In the holidays it can be difficult as his younger brother is very active and outgoing and likes to be out and about. His beSt friend means the world to him, but ds won't always go to his house when invited. It can be quite embarressing, his friend and his mum will invite him round after school and ds will really bluntly say no he doesn't feel like it! Milou your ds sounds very similar also. So should we be discouraging them to mooch around at home or not?

[gigglewitch]

lots of people with asd hate transitions. they can't understand either the timescales or the place that they are going to go to, and if you don't 'remember' where you're going then every day is like starting a new job or something - which may be the "funny feeling" that he means when putting his uniform on.
I read the first half or two-thirds of the thread, so sorry not all of it. Suggest getting together a set of small pictures with the exact routine on - progress to a list if he is a good reader and you are sure he understands it all; this might be
1 photo of home
2 photo of him in uniform
3 pic of transport - bus or car or whatever he goes in each day
4 photo of school
5 picture of his room / desk / whatever which "ends" his transition.

we do this for most of our [asd] students, they are great with it, very distressed without.HTH.

[indianajane]

thanks gigglewitch - that's exactly what ed psych said that the school should do with him when he was assessed, also social stories. They didn't follow through on any of the recommendations. Last time I saw the SENCO they said, 'Have you heard of social stories etc we're going to start that.' I reminded them that the ed pysch had recommended that 2 years sgo!

[gigglewitch]

Right then. Piece of card or notebook. velcro - atm the small round ones seem to be on offer everywhere - left to right or top to bottom. velcro the said pics on to the card, as each thing is done, he removes it from the card, placing it in an envelope or wallet so it's "finished" as this is the most important thing for someone with asd to 'get'.
I have worked with fabulously intelligent and capable people with AS, who still describe themselves as 'forgetful', it strikes me in the same way as dyslexia sufferers tend to call themselves 'crap spellers' IYSWIM. They just need a bit of help to get them through the things they find too complicated, and if you think of the number of different 'bits' to getting up in the morning, going through your routine stuff, getting the bus or whatever and then going to school, it is quite a lot for someone who finds it all jumbled up or appears to have 'forgotten' it. Pics and stuff just help them to see the order and get the organisation in their mind as the rest of us can do for ourselves.
"my social stories book" by Carol Gray is quite a good help for this stuff. ATM we're putting a resource pack together for our folk with AS - called "what if" so that they can use it as a reference

[gigglewitch]

ps if school doesn't seem to be getting round to it, you set the example - it will help your ds and prove to them that this is how they need to go about it all

[indianajane]

Thanks gigglewitch - that's brilliant advice.
Will sort that out tomorrow.